So I'm awful at blogging these days.
I've got worse at streaming on Twitch too, It all started off so well and 2015 started like a car crash but I managed to find something inside myself to pull through and open those creative gates, It always happens when I'm depressed. Be it a high or a low something happens, I just seem to be more capable of juggling hours that don't exist in my life.
I started to blog, it all went well. I stopped. Things got in the way to be honest, I started writing for a start up company and I loved it but that juggling ability went out the window. It wasn't that people weren't reading what I was publishing, strangely enough it was, even months after I hadn't written a thing the hit counter kept on climbing, It kept me positive.
I stopped writing for that company, I started streaming, I was doing really well, 200 subscribers in a month, I was on a high, I needed more of those hours that I didn't have to put into Twitch, If I was going to become anything to anyone it would be on that outlet, my personality shined through and I played games I loved and made friends. I stopped in the end.
I got a job, now I had this idea I would stream and work, funny how people stream for a living and don't work, I see why now. Its tiring, all consuming, expensive, competitive, Its a dog eat dog world. You want to be relevant you play the next big game, you find the money and you play it for 20 hours a day and people will subscribe, I on the other hand couldn't do it, I didn't 'Fall' out of love with the idea, I was just to tired. My brain clearly not 100% 18 months after having a full on melt down at 25 just couldn't do it.
I tried to do it again but everything I was doing right before I feel has left me, maybe its just not meant to be?
Now I'm ill again, signed of work for the past month like a nervous agitated wreck my mental health started to plummet down hill once again.
Was I going full circle?
Like fuck was I, straight to the doctors I went, I thought I'd get the jump on this Blessing, Because that's what it is right? A blessing in disguise, Sometimes I see it that way, its been part of me for such a long time I don't think I've ever been normal and my personality is my illness. My personalities I should say, clearly I don't have one.
Think of me as an iPod on shuffle. Taylor Swift then Metallica.
I make no sense to myself anymore.
That's when I see it as a curse, its ability to creep up on me when things are going so well is almost amazing, It takes what it wants, your family, your job, relationship, friends even your life and then when you hit the lowest point it backs off, It lets you think about all the shit that's just happened and you have to pick all the pieces up with your hands tied behind your back.
You don't remember what you did, who you where, even 'are' at that point.
Then you get creative, you have nothing, so you make something. you start to write again, stream again, you have those hours you didn't have again to do all those things you couldn't do because you remember your not super human anymore.
So I have ideas. Quit your job, stream for a year, take one year out of your time and work the hardest you ever have and make your self something.
Take those chances you where scared to take, before Mr Illness fucks it all up again.
The reality is though I won't.
I can't support myself or move on in life taking chances when I'm 26, that's why your 18 for. No responsibilities, balls of steal and all the ideas you can think up sitting in your hand ready to be eaten up by the masses.
One day I'd like to call myself something other than mentally ill.
Unstable.
A burden.
That's what I see myself as to the people around me.
More of a challenge for them to overcome on a daily basis than a friend, lover or son.
So what was the point in this blog? This nagging that I'll post on the Internet for people to read, or maybe not, I don't really know, maybe its just so I feel like I've done something this time round, even if its just once. Maybe its confirmation I'm fucked? Maybe its the fact I've been up all night again and its 7am, I can hear the birds outside and the smell of my Costa I'm about to go buy?
I'll stream again today I think.
I'm pretty sure I'll blog again tomorrow.
I know I'm meant to be something.
I just don't know when that day will come.
Dreams are meant to come true if you chase them, but I live a nightmare most days, I'm a very good liar too, You'd be amazed at how long I can smile for when I'm screaming on the inside.
Depressing right? Well I have coffee now so my brains smiling. Lets make today one of those days where I fell like I'm going forward, I blogged. Is this a blog? I'll stream.
Lets see what happens tomorrow I guess.
Caleb, ManicallyDepressed-ModeratleyFunny, Fi5h5tick5.
Thats three.
Check it - https://www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5
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