Gunman Clive - King for a day

Clive the gunman.

I start this adventure on normal, Gunman Clive's adventure that is, clearly not skilled enough for hard I settle in the middle, I can always start it again and change the difficulty.

Clive, Gunman Clive is my character of choice, why you ask? Because it's his name in the title not Ms. Johnson.

The story is simple, Ms. Johnson has been kidnapped, so I kill everything I see in a testosterone fuelled rampage. Take that stall. Fuck you chair.

The lay outs simple also, 4 checkpoints and a boss battle are shown on my bottom screen, my boy Clive standing above. B is jump and Y is shoot, that's it, It;s go time Clive.

Check these details out, I jump on a box and shoot a man in his cowboy hat. Boo Yah, what follows is probably the single most violent image I have ever seen of a cowboys shin splintering to pieces and blowing apart due to the sheer power of Clive's revolver.

That hardy Duck.

More like a 2D gunman falls over and turns to smoke.

I jump on a duck and it hurts me, now I don't want a reverse Zelda situation so I leave him to his business and cap the 3 o'clock square in the mush.

I can shoot in a straight line and that's that, to kill targets that are above me I need to get to their level, I climb some more handy crates and blow up more shins, more ducks appear.

Not to self: Ducks are harder than cowboys.

I eat bullet and take one square to the gut. Yep, this is like shovel knight. (1)

Four hits and you die, I take 3 trying to rush straight in, the key here is to time to bullets and jump over them, using gaps in firing time to dominate and land that all important hit.

I die in the exact same place again (2)

This cake isn't.

I make quick work of the 3 targets as I know where there situated. Trail and error, It gets to the point where you can run the level with your eyes closed, if you die enough times.

One giant slice of cake and a random wolf attack later I pass a checkpoint and walk into stage 2.

I'm weirdly attracted to this little grey opening, what is it? Why its a cowboy in a hole! Fucker made me jump, if only I could shovel drop people.

I try and jump from roof top to roof top like a ninja cowboy, turns out I just fall to my 2D death. (3) 

I speed on past the roof top, this time landing the jump successfully, a few overly nervous jumps later and I'm safe.

I can see this taking a while as I'm surrounded by killer cowboy ducks.

We killed him instead.

A wolf named Bill jumps into view trying to sell me some moonshine, I decline by lodging a bullet in his wolf head, damn lone wolfs,didn't you know you get nowhere with an attitude like that.

I shoot another duck in the beak bringing up the end of stage 2, 90 seconds, 90 seconds of turtle heading.

Now there's pelicans that drop bombs, they also turn into black smoke when they die, I feel like Mr Echo, this being my western lost timeline.

What follows next is the introduction of 'tilt' platforms, their course is outlined in front of me via dotted line, It's my job to stand on one side  moving the platform and killing any pelican, duck, wolf and cow-person the game can throw at me, I do so like a boss for two of these, three enemies in and I'm starting to worry about my curiously low health bar and the fact I'm only quarter of the way into this stage.

I realise once the platform gets to the end of its designated journey it falls into the nether, it takes me with it this time. (4)

I sail on by. No trouble this time, I get shot in the butt and die again, damn it (5)

Killer circular saws are now in front of me, the forces of evil getting stronger and harder the further I advance into the map.

She has the power of Tits and Saws.

Do they have a sorceress or something because it's floating in mid air all by itself.

Now there's killer Bunny rabbits as well that bounce over large distances of the level and tail drop me, I feel like I've annoyed a farm of highly intelligent farmyard animals.

Twist in the plot, Evil crocodile stole the princess, you heard it from me first.

I flow through the level, one with the controls , bunnies are nothing to me, even when they do come flying across the map at me. I'm so confident ducking, shooting and running on through the map I make a huge mistake when killing a guy. I stand in his bullet trail left after he dies (6)

Falling floors, easy work. Stationary cowgirl, Deadly! (7)

54 seconds it takes me to speed run this part with out dying, I wonder to myself what spooky animal I'll fight as it clearly wont be a human.

Elvis Presley with a mini gun makes exceptionally quick work of me! (8)

Elvis's next hit is called bullets.

And again, Bastard! (9)

What the fucking fuck, this guy is actually crazy hard (10)

I'm getting tired of this. (11)

What follows next is actually painful. (12) (13) (14) (15) (16) (17) (18) (19) 

Should I put this on easy? If I die 30 times I really am!

What, I killed him, 50 second battle. 12 deaths in total from him, Fuck you!

You ain't the king no more.

Koi Koi

Caleb

Nostalgia Level 9000!

Check my giant shiny visor.

A day of Halo is to follow.

I'm awoken by a cryptic phone call, the details of this call were classified, something about hard ice and no work, I roll with it.

What follows is hopefully a sweet session of Halo, where we finish Halo Combat Evolved and hopefully hammer some Halo 2 Anniversary in the process.

Two months I've had this game and I've managed 8 levels! Appalling behaviour Caleb, Jesus.

In my defence Halo is meant for cooperative play, even better than that local split screen, nothing better than punching your friend when he saves the day, getting worked over by 8 Grunts in the process.

He wants to start in 'The Business'.

Like some weird kind of Grunt on Chief porn.

Whilst transporting the One I laugh at the fact it doesn't fit in my car, I mean bag. The PS4 doesn't have this problem neither does the Wii U. I wonder if I can get some straps and wear it like a ruck sack? saying that it'll probably give me back problems.

If your interested to know my PS4 lives in HDMI 1, Wii U in HDMI 2 then Thee One in HDMI 3. I don't know when this console became such a laughing stock in my eyes but it does always make me giggle when I look at it. True story.

It's become somewhat a back up console for exclusives I can't play on PS4, The Master chief Collection being one of them, believe it or not it hasn't always been that way. The Xbox One was my first next gen console followed by the PS4, what followed after that was a 6 month dust collecting phase till Sunset Overdrive and Halo come out mid November.

I call it my Beta machine, that's what it's mostly been doing for the past 3 weeks, and because it looks like a design someone in the mid 90's okay'd which is still in the testing phase of its life before they stream line it down and sexy it up.

That's enough bullying for one day.

Someone needs to get fired.

Actually no it's not, what the fucks up with the games being on the wrong side of the case, this genuinely angers me every time I open a box, you cant even change the cover around because it say's Xbox One upside down on it! damn it.

Shotguns are the most fun. I forgot that.

We spend a lot of the time running and gunning waiting for the flood to jump in for a hug, blowing each other into chief sized chunks in the process with grenades, we adopt the 'Grenade' cry every time we throw one just to warn one another about their impending doom. Pro shit!

We attempt to drive our own warthogs to safety on the last level, bad architect award goes to the arsehole who designed this level, It keeps on ending in tears, One warthog is flipped off the side, mine then gets blown up by an imaginary explosion.

In this attempt, friend that shall not be named gets 50 metres away from the end then chokes and eats grenade, next time luck seems to be on our side as we both finish, health intact.

My ears look like a scrotum.

Halo Combat Evolved done. Finally the reason I got this game to see them wonderful Halo 2 Anniversary graphics.

We start Halo 2 on Legendary, veterans of the legendary game, Many hours spent on Coop, days spent battling Online, One to many hours spent playing local multiplayer, Best map ever award going to Guardian on Halo 3, simple, painful, intimate a lot like marriage?

I die whilst running around like a gun ho headless chicken, uh rah! The game decides to start again, what?! It then happens when one of us dies, 'We don't have the iron skull on do we' I cry, looks like its heroic from here on out.

The worst skull ever for people like me.

Fuck me these cut scenes! Unlike the first Halo, where you couldn't change the view of the videos whilst watching them you can now, all remade to replicate the old videos but bringing that next gen vision and up datedness to the Whole package and my god it does.

A few levels fly by, one to many friendly grenade kills and then all of a sudden it's home time.

Damn people with real lives.

Koi Koi

Caleb

2015, The year I forgot to post a list of games on the internet for people to read, again.

2015, That's the year.

Witcher 3 hype is very real in my world..

Also the amount of games I'm about to list for your joy and my excitement.

Shall I use numbers, yea why not. Everyone loves the odd list of numbers don't they.

Now I'm excited for a lot of games this year, some I'll re lose the ability to speak over when social life killers like The Witcher 3:Wild Hunt comes out, oh ad that's number 1, do I need to explain why I'm so excited for it. 

Those of you that read my blog might have a slight inkling into why I'm going to lose my brain over this game, A huge fan-boy of Polish author Andrzej Sapkowski story of Geralt of Rivea, follows is all the shit an ultimate monster killing bad ass can get up to, not to mention the amount of nudity, violence, corruption and beheading's!

Like Game of Thrones but not shit, I believe that's settled any argument we could have, also did I mention it's an amazing game franchise and the final piece of Geralt's story? Unlike the Game of Thrones game, which was also SHIT.

The Witcher 3:Wild Hunt - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ_G6XiHoUA

The secret order of moustached men and woman.

Secondly, that's number 2 if you didn't know is The Order:1886. The story following a group of old order knights that keep the world safe from a horrible breed of monsters, Half man, half beast. Like me.

The Humans outnumbering the cool looking beasts, but being on the back foot due to the Monsters brute strength. awesome, with futuristic weapons and huge moustaches, what's not to love in this stylish 3rd person shooter. 

Also I've played it and its sick! Visually next level also.

We love you Kirby.

The Order:1886 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7SbgvtBDCQ

On the more visually colour intense scale we have number 3 my Boy Kirby and the Rainbow Curse, Claymation! That's all you need. just look at this and tell me your not sold.

Kirby and the Rainbow Curse - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_QrlwnHbkc

No list is complete without a Zelda entry, number 4, Link's first journey on the new hardware since 2013'S 3DS release The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds. We love you Wii U

The Legend of Zelda Wii U - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0y4hv62YEw

Try and tell me bad things now, I can tell you know that game will be pure joy, and also controller crushingly puzzling.

Can I just put a bunch of YouTube links in a row and it'll explain it's self?

No , I'll use good old brain and language to communicate my emotions to you over these visual delights, so how many is that? 4, only another 2011 to go. True story. Go time

Coming in at number 5, in no particular order, just what pops to mind is Yoshi's Woolly World.

What is he?

Another game that's just an absolute feast for your eyes, also a cooperative game in that ever popular Mario format, you play as everyone's favourite lizard dinosaur Yoshi, I've been lucky enough to play this with a friend at EGX, he spent half the time eating me, shitting me out and firing me across the map like a knitted mess, wicked cool, here's that link you want.

Yoshi's Woolly World - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vR8EHatIIE

Jesus Christ it's more beautiful than I remember

I'll split this wonderful blog into a two parter, why you ask? that's not cool! Well I'd like to think your checking out the video's and getting as excited as I do over some of the best releases of the year, in my eyes!

So the last one on this short list and number 6 of 2015 is Halo 5: Guardians, now we all love master chief and his adventures across planets, solar systems and time and space it's self, this time introducing another Spartan name Locke his sole purpose is to find Sierra 117 and trade concrete with him, riveting stuff!

Also looking forward to casually playing more than my fair share of Online maps and cooperative multiplayer the way I think every Halo game should be played.

Halo 5: Guardians - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0YkQ4YKOSw

Spartan Locke.

So I hope you enjoyed a brief look at some of my most anticipated games of the next year, obviously there's to many to name so I've chosen a small handful, comment on what your looking forward to and if you think I've missed some important ones!

Remember though there is a part 2 coming soon.

Koi Koi

Caleb

It's one of those blogs

I try and blog most days.

I've stopped my vigorous 7 day blogathon as I was sat at my laptop most of the time writing and posting and not playing games, not that I don't enjoy doing that, I just didn't want to ruin something I'm enjoying so much.

Worst poster ever!

If I have no time to play games then what do I write about?

So I toned it down a little, giving myself weekends to write away and play all day ready for the weekday posts.

Friday has become a kind of overview day for me, what I finished, If anything! What I hope to achieve?! If anything again.

I seem to be averaging around 3 games a week, I'm on target again this week

I said good bye to 'Thatgamecompanys' Colourtastic feelz-fest Flower, Cracking on some Bon Iver and being in a very happy place for a few hours.

Dem Feels.

I finally finished Halo Combat Evolved and move on to the very sexy Halo 2 and last but not least Dust, I say that, I'm on the last boss as I type, hoping to achieve that wonderful Gold Trophy for completion on Tough.

2 days later edit, Infamous Firstlight is another game that I decided to put on my done pile, still the odd trophy I can go back for and get when I want to go on a mindless neon fuelled rampage.

Brought the wonderful Guacamelee and saints row IV re-elected, the pile grows as it get s smaller.damn you cheap digital downloads, Guacamelee being all of £4.00

I made a start on my Bayonetta 2 journey, finishing the first few levels in a 3 hour frenzy of coffee and combo's.

I also continue my travels across Hoenn Region with my  'Now' bedtime game Pokemon Alpha Sapphire

Do you get the title now?

The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds also saw a dungeon quest solved and now moving onto my third sage piece, excited to rekindle my love for that game and cross that title off the shortening list.

My first documented Isaac run was a disaster! Major doubts on weather I can keep my cool with a game that has no checkpoints or saves.

I recently put together a Tumblr account as another social hub, a safe haven blogs and geek related imagery, I like it quiet a lot after a day of surfing around on there, I can see it fast becoming a favourite. Even if it is hard to manage 5 different accounts for posting the blog on!

Also had an amazing day on Wednesday achieving 103 reads in one day, so nice to see if grow from 20 a day to between 50 - 70 and now hitting the triple figures, next stop the world! All in my first month as well.

Cheers Ireland.

24 views coming from Ireland! So thank you Irish people, you made my day and I hope you enjoyed.

Don't be a stranger, leave comments,

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Formats! woop.

Koi Koi

Caleb

Pig Masks and Bitches.

In what direction does a direction less blog go?

I'll go that way.

Do I cover news on a weekly basis and put my thought and spin on the whole situation?

Do I cover certain platforms on certain days?

Some formats I've found are popular, My hands on experience with games being one, The future of things to come and my failings and success's as a budding platformer.

I want this blog to grow but I'm clueless on how to go about it.

Beta's are always fun to review but their never a weekly thing, hence why I try and cover as many as I can, just encase you're not lucky enough to try them. I've also emailed to play some closed Beta's like the Fable Legends Multiplayer Beta but just have to see if I get sent a code. I'm good at the waiting game, Not.

Send me that code so I can mock your game. maybe

Also Xbox's Games with Gold and PlayStation Plus title's are a good way to give a person a look at the game before they kill there download limit for a game they might hate, some games I've downloaded for free only to instantly delete them ten minutes later, Road not closed being one of them.

Still haven't typed up my 'Swapper' review yet but I have till the end of the month to do that, but again that boils down to between 2-4 a month.

I like to think I'm opinionated, I always feel passionately about the subject and try to have a reason behind my every thought process, never one to jump on the bandwagon, I feel I have an honest outlook on the pressing issue be that a good or a bad thing.

I again can't thank the people that have been reading this enough because it really has been a saviour for me when I was in a very dark period of my life.

I remember this 'Meh' Film though.

Going from working all the time to being to sick to talk, to tired to sleep, not eating and not being able to remember 6 weeks of my life, I struggled to watch  films as I couldn't remember what happened. Three months off sick is a lot more boring than it sounds, I feel distant from the outside world and this has been a creative venture I never thought I'd ever pursue.

To have just under 2000 views in my first month, first day I posted was a month ago, is literally an incredible response for me! Even if it is just me and my mum refreshing the page over and over again.

It makes me feel really good, that someone might like my posts and take something away from them.

Be it just a few laughs or an actual purchase of a game I like to think I have a very strange format of reviewing games as I don't go for the numbers approach, That way you don't just scroll to the number with out seeing the process.

My reviews are an A4 page of facts, laughs and game play.

If you have a sense of humour like mine and an open mind I like to think you'll end up at the same place I do.

Just because I like it though doesn't necessary mean you will as well, but if I cover all the bases then I might touch on what you like and go from there.

I might just start condensing pocket sized nuggets of  internet down into more manageable bites

This whole blog coming from some drafts that  never saw the light of day.

Does the title make sense now?

Hotline Miami seemed like a solid idea in my head but in reality it was awful, You die to much, you spend more time writing what just happened and 3 seconds later you die again doing the same thing. The title was awesome though 'Pig masks and bitches'. on the other hand it would make for awesome game play videos.

I need to find a new platformer like Shovel Knight to cover, Like Mega man, pay day purchase.

Please comment and follow and let me know! How does one improve if the problems and ideas are not communicated back to him?

I do think I've found a possible candidate though, whilst surfing the 3DS E store I stumbled across a bunch of Critically acclaimed games to play on 3DS. One was a £1.99 gem called Gunman Clive about a gunman called Clive trying to shoot his way to the mayors daughter, I think.

Clint Eastwood's adaptation coming early 2017

I managed to die once on the first level and you start the whole section again, that's the winning format I love so much.

Koi Koi

Caleb

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I'm finishing games, It's that bad!

Today I text my Dad,

'I'm so broke. I'm finishing games, It's that bad'

This made me giggle, so much so I picked up a crayon and started to scribble on my bedroom wall

I needed this game so bad! I used this image
a lot to sum up my feelings around that time.

Now I'm one of those people that 'NEEDS' everything.

Always release day, never after. Because that would mean that I'm missing something important, I feel like I cant play FarCry 4 any more after 9 hours because its old news.

This is okay when your working and have money, but not acceptable behaviour when you have no money to your name.

I always have a healthy pile of games I play depending on my mood, spanning over 4 formats, triple AAA titles all the way down to indie games, like Mount your Friends, this amazingly intense title costing £0.59 on my Xbox 360, many a gathering has seen that game in full swing.

My main thought is, do other people do this?

Do you buy one game and play it till its old news?, then start another? or do you stack a pile to the ceiling, dipping your toes in each one, but never quite settling down?

I have a tendency to do the latter, every so often one game gets worn down enough that its finished, but normally I get to the 25% mark and swap to something else, demoting the previously Favorited game to the bottom of the pile.

I'm starting to catch up.

So today I've managed to finish Halo Combat Evolved, Flower and Dust.

This is more than I normally clear in a good month.

The only games that normally see completion without interruption are RPG'S, Dragon Age Inquisition being the last major title that got fully worked over in a ten day, 125 hour massacre that I don't really fully remember.
All I do know is every mission got finished, the only thing keeping me from getting that platinum trophy was the fact I finished it on hard and not nightmare difficulty, Balls!

Trophies and Achievements play a big part in my diet, It sounds bad but it keeps me going at a point I would normally call it quits, Nothing screams 'Hey guys we got a champion' like a platinum trophy or an 87000 gamer-score, yes mine is that high.

That hunt and grind for pointless achievements has slowed down over the past 3 years but its still a very real driving factor for me, playing games to completion is rewarded by fake numbers and gold! I love that

Nintendo trophies like this! Super cute, also just Mario Trophy.

It sounds silly but I wish Nintendo had introduced some reward system to show off those in game achievements, things we should be proud to show people, I know there's competitive leaderboards and friends lists but that's not the same, I want more numbers and gold etched to the side of my name!I want to display my accolades like a true gamer.

Telling and seeing are to very different things, I can tell people I'm an elite sniper on the latest Call of Duty, but when they see my name 'x-uLtImAtESNIPZ360-x they WILL know I mean business!

Is it just me that feels this way about a number or metal? It makes me want to explore a game multiple times when someone can see that I've beaten that game, Like shovel knight! no body knows that, defiantly going on my C.V, I could have made it all up, check my Instagram, there's a picture of me crying next to a completion screen.

This appears every time I finish a game.

Back to the worry at hand, Finishing Games!

I've finished more games in the past month, all of multiple difficulties spanning from the beautiful Flower to the near impossible at times, Shovel Knight.

The godfather Halo to 50cc of Mario Kart 8 fun.

The time killer Dragon Age Inquisition to the super addictive Hyrule warriors.

Another accolade only documented by picture, 100000 kills on Hyrule Warriors, again see my Instagram.

I'm going to make an internet tally of games on that pile

Colours and Characters.

1. Bayonetta 2.
2. Super Mario Galaxy 2.
3. Captain Toad - Treasure Tracker
4. The Legend of Zelda - The Wind Waker HD.
5. Pokemon - Alpha Sapphire.
6. Bravely Default.
7. The Legend of Zelda - A Link Between Worlds.
8. Halo 2.
9. Halo 3.
10. Halo 4 - The Master Chief Collection, is that 1 or 4?
11. FarCry 4.
12. Assassins Creed Unity.
13. Rogue Legacy - STILL!
14. The Swapper.
15. Infamous - First Light.
16. Hotline Miami.
17. Lara Croft and The Temple of Osiris.
18. Velocity.

Holy Fuck it's under 20, when I started this blog it was sitting at 34, Its worse than I thought.

Koi Koi 

Caleb.

The Binding of Isaac:Rebirth - Poo Edition

The only 'normal' image you'll see today.

Isaac lives with his Mother, his Mother hears a voice from above telling her to remove all evil from Isaac's room, she does this, even taking his pants in the process.

This voice tells her to lock Isaac in his room away from evil, she does this like any crazy voice hearing Mother would.

Turns out it's God, nice one God,

Hey Mother!

He finishes off this crazy Mother by telling her he needs a sacrifice, A sacrifice in the form of Isaac's dead limp body, sounds like a wonderful God to me.

Isaac runs away as his Mother now carries a knife, taking shelter in the cellar.

This is Isaac's story, told in Caleb's point of view.

So I'm doing this, late night, coffee on the go, I miss the challenge of indie developed arcade games, I hate them, but strangely enjoy the stress it brings.

sex face.

I choose Isaac as my loveable character.

I appear to be naked and crying, a lot like sex.

Move and shoot, that's all there is too it, wonderful, I'm not one for overly hard controls.

Room 1, 3 doors, One Gold, I'm not going in the gold one yet, I choose you door to the left, I confirm these details are corrected by making an L with my hands. People who know me should know this fact.

Nothing in this room, Right it is then.

I'm greeted by fly's and a Golden shit, I shoot everything including the shit, coins galore, I leave via door on the right once again.

Golden shit.

I think this game has pass codes as I just saw an 8 character code in the corner, Stress! Poo's with smiles on their faces, this games full of funny shit.

I walk through a scary door, this time greeted by Larry Junior,  a terrifying worm with a taste for Isaac flesh.

It's a fun filled maze built out of shit, inhabited by two giant spiky toothed man child eating worms, a lot of shit in Isaac's basement.
I kill them both with 1 heart to spare, still not looking forward to what will happen WHEN I die?

Basement II

Up or down? Down down as Lady Gaga once sang, I think?

Handsome-o

Double headed fly's this time and shit, sounds like a high class French restaurant, left's my only option, so left it is, Not much to look at. Headless kids throwing up blood, nice.

I use my key acquired after beating up Larry to go into the next room, It's full of cards. I don't get it.

Another scary looking boss room, Fuck that things horrible, Monstro, I can see where he adopted that name from, time to run and gun.

This fucker leaps and throws up blood (1)

I start again with nothing, what the shit? If its like that this is going to be one short lived blog series.

I run into a horrible room, worms throwing up blood (2)

Nightmare's back on the menu.

Faster than before with no signs of any progress. Damn it!

I run into a door that this time decides to bite me, then blow me up with bombs

I go into another room and pick up some bombs, I use said bombs figuring out the other button to use them in the process. Idiot

A spider kills me (3)

There's a head spider, nightmares tonight. I kill it and run the fuck away.

I eat dead onion and look like what I can only imagine bane to look like, with out the mask

Bane with out the mask.

Now I just look like I'm throwing up shit

Larry again, I make quick work of him, his weakness must be naked kids throwing up shit? I'd soon disappear if I saw that

Really big shits that turn into little shits. I'd rather try play Hotline Miami, at least when I was playing that you had a sense of progression like Shovel Knight, I feel like this is all for nothing.This games all skill and I have none!

I unlock a gold room,like the one I ignored at the start of the game, now becoming clear these are 'safe' rooms, now I have a little friend that's following me around.

He's as useless as my shit breath, actually I take that back, at least my shit breath is helping, he's not doing a thing

Crying babies with exploding heads cry and explode, Hello Monstro, we meet again, me with half a heart of health and you being a giant Monster head hell bent on death

crying exploding baby head.

Fuck it (4)

Seeds use the codes I mentioned at the start of the game to lock in a version of the world you've already run before, I'll try you again soon mother shitter

Koi Koi

Caleb

Evolve - Beta. Pokemon Edition.

Evolve


Evolve is a cooperative based shooter developed by Turtle Rock Studios, best known for Title Left 4 Dead, a cooperative based shooter in the same vain, this time based around giant monsters that 'Evolve' like Pokemon, you level up by eating wildlife in the surrounding habitat whilst being pursued by a group of 4 hunters.

These hunters come in 4 different classes, all based around different skill sets.

Markov.

Resident meat head Markov the over sized Russian sounding Assault class

Hobo chain smoker Hank in the role of moral Support with guns,

Super moaner Val the Medic and Griffin the griffin, I mean Trapper.

First up this beta is free to anyone that has an Xbox Live Gold account, which I'm going to assume is everyone these days? Secondly and most importantly it's an arse hole to find, not plastered on the home screen I had to Bing search the beast, later finding the 20GB kraken of a download, I'll play Path of Exile while I wait.

Hank.

I enter the beta pretty excited by the idea of giant monsters, hello giant monster foot!

Cue amazing intro video that I'm going to find and link right here as people need to see the awesomeness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-Uhh8SdvOw

As the game starts it shows me a break down of the Goliath class, explaining about how the moves work with a cute little tutorial video, I would find that video but I'm not that skilled at linking in pages.

Certain Hot keys are linked to certain moves, these main keys are X, Y, Lb and Rb, images are also shown next to the moves located at the top of the screen

The game is played in a 3rd person view when your the Goliath as you can hurl giant rocks at your enemies as well as breath fire over a large area of the map hurting more than one enemy in the process.

Grifiin.

The remaining buttons are left to your core move set, A for a long or short monster leap, B for monster sneak because apparently monsters sneak, Rt for monster whack and Lt for monster climb.

Rs also a key button used to sniff out those crafty animals you rely on so heavily to evolve, highlighting the amount and whereabouts of the little creature, similar to Dragon Age and the Witcher series.

Eating wildlife is key to evolving your level 1 Goliath to a level 3 beast and winning the match, the higher your level the more powerful your monster, level 3 kitted out with a mammoth amount of health and armor making you that much harder to kill.

Hitting Lt and Rt at the same time when you've eaten enough food starts the evolution process, My Goliath Buffing up and flexing his muscles for a monster muscles weekly photo shoot.

Now a little details on the wonderful classes, each one having certain strengths and weaknesses.

Hunter - Damages Monster.

Medic- Heals Hunter.

Support - Buffs Hunter.

Trapper - Traps Monster.

Val.

This is where the cooperative part of the game kicks in, if you get stuck with the idiots I did the match will end in two minutes flat, you'll be taunted by a child in the lobby telling you to rage quit because you lost.

Good to see this aspect of douche baggery is still going strong in the internet space

The class it throws me into this time is the Assault class.
The same hot keys apply this time to the character but instead of being at the top of the screen its in the right hand corner, this being down to the fact your now playing in a first person perspective

Lt aiming my meat head weaponry, Rt shooting said weaponry X reloading my weapon and a lot of the manoeuvring solely left down to tapping, double tapping and holding the A button in certain directions.

I decide now it's go time, I boot up solo mode to get a feel for the controls, Instead I get a video of a small ship flying of a bigger ship which is heading in the direction of a creepy looking planet, I wonder if monster's inhabit the surface?

Stop Kraken them bad jokes.

Word on the street is were dealing with more than ordinary wildlife, This made clear to me by a robot I thought was called 'fuck it', turns out he's names Bucket.

It's then made clear to me who each character is and what hobbies they most enjoy, mostly killing giant monsters. A quick decision is then made to not allow me to play the single player mode and then continually loops the character introduction video, Online it is.

Cool feature walks up to me and says,

 'Hey Caleb, sick of playing multiple roles when you just want to focus your grind on the meat head assault class? No worries, now you can prioritise your match matching. Choose your preferred class and we'll try to match you in order of preference with this handy 1-5 rating system, monster included.'

Thanks cool feature, that's a really cool feature.

Bread lover, Wholewheat01.

Meat head it is!

Round 1 - Skirmish

I stand around not moving, the monster on the other hand makes an obvious approach thanks to the badly named 'scare birds'

10 seconds later my meat head is turned into a bot as I'm writing this.

10 seconds later later and I'm crushed by a giant monster.

10 seconds later later later the match is over. Good team work guys!

Its made apparent to me that this game really does rely heavily on cooperative team play and communication, each class complimenting each other in different ways.

Hello trash talking 13 year old on the other side of the microphone, how I've missed you ever so

I name of shame this dick, Wholewheat01. what a stupid fucking name, looks like we have a bread loving Goliath on the other team.

Hamper full of bread rolls.

Round 2 - Bread loving Goliath edition.

He kills the Medic and Support class then scampers off with a hamper full of hot bread rolls, 2 minutes later more support drops in, If your whole team doesn't die, a new bunch of people drop in to the map again via little ship, stretching the match even further, if you all fall to pieces like my first attempt its over just as quick as it started. He makes one more quick assault with a baguette then flees.

His tactic seems to be seems to be bludgeon Medic with stale Tiger loaf, attempt rest of team relying on lack of communication to be there failure, no medic to help them in the process, 3 Ciabatta's later and it's over again.

Tiger bread.

I'm excited at the premise of playing this with 3 friends, I don't have 3 friends but I'm excited all the same, short and fun like Left 4 Dead, Re-run same maps trying out new tactics each time with friends, love it, Shame about the every man for him self vibe I'm getting at the minute.

5th match now and I'm level 2 and my new perk is the ability to cycle weapons 50% faster, bread lovers level 23 no wonder he's fucking us up so much.

That game!

5th lose in a row? Still learning the buttons, I realise Rb gives me a handy little shield and Lb drops mines, great. another tactic I've learnt is when everyone dies don't assault the big doughy bastard until the support has dropped in again. this being are failure every time trying to be the hero and not the team player

So close yet again, he can't heal 9 bars of health and a shield in the 2 minutes you have to hide from this bread lover, force the win should be our tactic!

This time I'm the Hobo with a mini gun Hank.

He has a cloak ability you can use to escape temporarily when things are getting ruff, why hasn't anyone used that before? I may have to try the Medic class next, Meat heads not so fun, Not like Hobo tank Hank.

Koi Koi

Caleb









.

Typing away in the dark

Kind people.

So this week I achieved the impossible, I finished Shovel Knight! You're probably bored of me harping on about this game but it truly is something special, I claim games are 'Broken' when I die more than 5 times on a single level, I'm not use to being that bad at games.

My patience tested every step of the way, my 3DS a redundant brick at one point, days avoiding it.

All for an experience I will always remember, funny things is when I run through it a second time levels that took me 50 minutes are now taking me 6 minutes.

The Guys and Girls at Yacht Club Games where even kind enough to tweet me saying 'Amazing to see your adventure documented in such detail! Thank you for the unique perspective on it all, We've seen some players soak in their first run for much longer than 14 hours and just shy if 200 deaths is none to shabby!'

So I'm a happy geek at this moment in time.

Damn, she's a sexy witch.

I tied up some lose ends last week by finishing Sunset Overdrive and other games so I traded a few in to start my Bayonetta 2 journey, Sexy she witch she is!


I impulse brought Super Mario Galaxy 2 when the digital download released at £8.99, mega deal for a game widely regarded as one of the best ever. Me missing a lot of Wii's original titles being a Call of Duty nerd, so I'm looking forward to the journey ahead of me, Yoshi for the win! I wonder if I'll see the Captain?

5 hours this weekend dedicated to Mario Kart 8 with some close friends was also an awesome experience, In my mind the Wii U is such a perfect console to play with people of any age and any skill, fun every step of the way, Charming and simple to pick up.

We all take it super serious!

I treated myself to FarCry 4 as a '2 years sober' gift, It now sits in the pile of Ubisoft games currently at 20% completion

Another Quiet week for my chief dust collector Xbox One, Evolve Beta has been downloaded which is pretty cool, excited to see the full extent of what Turtle Rock Studios can conjure up, a huge fan of the original Left 4 Dead.

Hours spent Co-op Running it with 3 friends, screaming at the fact I killed a witch by accident with a shotgun, unlocking an achievement in the progress, my favourite! Mocking my dear friend that can't play Shovel Knight as he couldn't do it when he tried, me doing it in a drunken state.

Still awaiting the return of brother dearest to join my Halo Campaign! Reality is I'll have to ask Matt to join me in a day long session playing as much as we can.

Not so sexy witch.

Path of Exile, My new mindless grind game, I tell myself 1 hour, It let's me out of it's trance 6 hours later, plus I got my little brother involved, don't know if that's a good thing or not?

A new chapter also begins this week, the response was incredible, all 5 of you voting on what game I should play next, The clear winner being The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth with a mind blowing  4 VOTES. Incredible, I'm quiting my day job.

So expect that at some point in the future, not sure how I'll document it yet, as I play it will become clear to me.

Day job.

That's it I think?!

I'm not going to make it sound like I lead an interesting life because as you can see I clearly don't

Koi Koi

Caleb