I stutter. This isn't right, I'm relatively well spoken. I try again, the words are stuck, caught on the edge of my tongue. I get told to take a blue pill. My legs are trembling, my hands are constantly running through my hair. Who is this man at the end of my table, I look back down at the wood and then look to my right.
All I remember is I screamed at my family, I think it was my Mum, Dad and Grandma.
The wood is familiar, I just stare at it some more like its the only thing in the world that really knows how I feel. just an object, motionless, locked in place for people to just walk around and lean on.
It's that fucking man again, who is he? did I just take a pill he gave me? What if this was the man from the garden, he told them where I was. Let's rip into him, I'm angry, I have a colourful pallet of words to paint a foul picture with, lets pull him to pieces and put him in his place with his tie preferably around his neck.
I still can't speak, I'm like a skipping vinyl, vinyl, vinyl, vinyl.
I choose to not speak at all. This frustrates me even more, why did they take my voice away from me?
Strangely this super power hearing that I had acquired decided to turn against me. The clock ticks, the man speaks, the dog walks around in the back room, the cars drive past my house. The hardest part about the world happening around me was it all sounded the same level to me.
So not only could I not speak but everything was washing over me like a flood, all consuming.
Larazopram became a stable part of my diet just like your multi vitamins you take in the morning, "Don't let him take this for more than two weeks, it's highly addictive, you don't want a suicidal pill popping super hero junkie in your house do you!"
I take it for a little under four months.
This was the little blue pill I'd taken, this was not the man in black from the garden, this was a man from a mental hospital. The only reason I wasn't hospitalised was lack of space, or I head to York to be locked up. I tell them if I'm put in a room where I can't have shoe laces I would go out of my way to kill myself on their watch, I'm pretty sure this is one of many times I see my family cry over the next few weeks.
The speeding bullet train of thoughts, emotion and static all come to a strange halt, I'm melting like an ice cream in the sun, I start to slip in my chair a little more. They make me give them all of my medication and they decide it's best to turn up at my house everyday with the medication I should take as they're rather alarmed by the 3 boxes of medication I had in my room, I don't know where they'd come from.
They put me on Venlafaxine which I'm still on to this day which had slowly gone from 150mg to 250mg this is a different anti depressant an SNRI instead of an SSRI kind of like anti depressant plus or a newer better model dealing with things differently in the brain.
I'm also put on Risperidone as he's worried I might be schizophrenic.
I also have Zopiclone which is the sleeping tablet that didn't work, when they upped it and mixed it with all those drugs listed above apparently I turned into a dead weight and looked like I was on a high.
I wake up in the morning feeling like I'd been hit by a train, one of the side effects of Risperidone is muscle and joint pains and my god was that pain apparent. I remember being forced to take them as I didn't want to because of how much I hurt.
My stutter doesn't get any better, I trip over every word I try and say when the person appears in the morning with a little white box, I do remember being obsessed with putting them in order, straight and regimented, probably because that was the only thing I had control of in my life.
One day I remember being 'good' because it was cake day Friday, I scream at the man that can't give me medication now, call him a cunt and go to my room.
My behaviour became more irrational over time, every day my dad would take me to get a mocha in the morning from costa and I had to hold his hand because I'd like to try and run in front of cars.
I play Dragon Age, My Dad buys me my preorders of Super Smash Bro's U and Pokemon Sapphire as I'm not working and have no money. I can only manage 3 hours and then the haunting feeling comes back over me and I panic, time for Mr Blue Pill.
I try and break all of my fingers, I try and pull all my hair out, I try to break both my arms, I lay on the sofa screaming because I just don't understand anything and I'm under a quilt, I've now decided I'd have some ticks to add to the acute hearing and stutter, My brothers spend that visit crying as it's the first time they see me. That's when they realise my illness is very real and true as they've fully realised it's potential.
I can't tell you any dates or when and what order these all happened, this is just how it came out in text, It's stitched together pretty well I think. This covered November 6th till around 26th December 2014, I know this because I posted a blog on that day about Smash Brothers. I have changed it though since it's first golden publishing. Don't know what that looked like!
The next nine months is spent in recovery worried I'm going to relapse at any point, I'm the sun, I'm well into my life at this point, I'm 25. Everybody's waiting for the Red Giant event to happen where I start to just consume everything close to me and destroy it, I'm not burning as bright as before and everything has a shitty filter to it. My facial expression is dead, I'm not eating, I spend most of the day in my pyjamas, If I leave my house It's to see some medical person and my clothes are over my pjs.
Dead eyed and gaunt, pasty white and sickly looking, white sunken black sockets where those judgmental eyes scan this fuck pit of a world for some way out. When I get told "Isn't Bipolar just having a bad day, get over it" I wish I could put them in that version of my life and see what they think, Just remember kids, no bandage, no problem.
The man I meet next hands me that title on a piece of paper, I notice the fact that it also claims I'd had amnesia for the past 6 weeks as I couldn't recall a thing that had just happened, I still thought it was October and we were well into January now, when I say I start to remember things it means I have a better idea of time and the way things are pieced together.
Bipolar Disorder Type II.
The title, finally. Nine years later and that title is on a piece of paper, that doctor that saw me 9 years ago should have listened to the ant that fully understood the world, the alarmed doctor that I fucked with had reason to be alarmed, the woman that told me I was having a bad day even though I filled in her stupid form could go play with a rock in the centre of a motorway, all of them wrong, every moment I lost control, every aspect of my life I changed because I was more informed than the qualified person in front of was all for this moment.
What's worse is that to get the appointment with this Psychiatrist I had to nearly kill myself on multiple occasions just to get the attention and acceptance in their books to get looked at, its not to say that I didn't have times after where I locked myself in the bathroom staring at a pair of scissors and a razor with the intentions to visit the worm infested box in the ground. Luckily I was with my Dad and within 30 seconds he'd realised I'd been too long and sorted things out but those 'Kill yourself' voices never seemed to go away.
I'm in that office with my Mum for I don't know how long but when he sits down with my Mum she asks "Is he Bipolar", "Oh NO DOUBT" this man reply's.
"It's as clear as day."
Come show some love
My Twitter is @winslowbateman
My Instagram is www.instagram.com/fi5h5tick5/
also I have Twitch www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5/profile
Peace and love.
Caleb, FI5H5TICK5 and every name inbetween.
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Wednesday, 24 August 2016
Monday, 22 August 2016
I wanted a Title, that Title came at a heavy price
When I blog I listen to music, the first day it was A Tribe Called Quest that started things off, the second day it was Low Roar, then the next two blogs where a combined effort split over a day, making it easier for people to digest. Bon Iver started me off and then I couldn't get out of that vibe, I'm rather excited for the new album 22, A Million.
Anyway, Sertraline, I started on 50mg, then 100mg, then 200mg. The 200mg period didn't last very long but I'll get to that and what I remember soon.
The 3-4 days of coming off one anti depressant and going onto another one was a strange one. One minute my parents turn up and I'm standing on the top of the sofa convinced I could fly and spinning around like a giddy child, then I would be in a ball on the floor crying for hours, my emotions use to over come me and knock me completely the fuck out.
I used to run, apparently this is a trait of people with bipolar as they tend to work out, I put on some music, and I'd pick it apart, layer by layer, track by track, then I'd go home.
Two reasons how I knew something was up. One was the fact that I left the house because the idea of stabbing myself was literally moments away from happening and second, I just plain fucking hate running.
What became more current was me having full blown anxiety attacks at work. I mean fall on floor, lose of sight, my hands getting stuck like claws, no feeling from my knees down and hysterical crying and hyperventilation that would last for potentially hours.
When I was at work I was in my fortress, I was the loud, over the top, eccentric, centre of attention. Everything my real personality wasn't. I was a hyper exaggeration of myself and I sold that idea so much so that I was openly telling people when I was going home I was going to cut my wrists and they'd laugh and think it was some funny joke, no one thought I had this severe depression that had started to really claw its way into my work life.
I hid it so well, at least I think I did, It became even more apparent that shit was going south when I'd just say I couldn't work. sometimes my brain couldn't do what came very naturally to me, I'd start to forget things and make mistakes. Now if I forgot to take my medication in the morning it was apparent within two hours as everything would go full shit storm and I'd just become a nightmare to work with.
Three months into the year I had my medication upped to 100mg. Six months after that it was maxed out at 200mg. This brings me to September or October 2014. We would shuffle the rota around at work to make it work for me when I had these episodes that would lead to a week off work, just to cool my jets and calm my brain. Nobody knew a whole new beast was about to be born, a sickness so dark it was like staring into a pot of Marmite.
It should have been apparent, My speech was at so fast and erratic people complained that I made no sense. I'd gone completely over the top. Sleep became less and less but these conflicting moods had started to come back down again. I honestly think I was manic only for a few days but nobody knew or saw the signs, why? because I hid.
I stopped washing, my appetite had disappeared and I was sitting playing Dragon Age Inquisition, I remember that fact but fuck me I can't remember a thing about that game. I didn't go to work, I didn't tell anybody where I was and I stayed at somebodies house and just kept to myself, I was obsessed about a crack in a T.V so I spent £500 on a new one and sat. I hadn't realised or began to question the fact that someone was in the garden watching me, every time I changed my glance and tried to catch them looking at me they had gone, I spent a lot of time with the doors locked and the curtains closed after that because they were out there and I didn't like that they were apparently as fast as shit when it came to moving out of the way.
My parents turned up one day, I remember that. I think my manager had spoke to my Mum saying I'd kind of disappeared. where I was hiding had now been compromised, had the person spying on me told everyone where I was? No, the owner of said hiding place had rang my parents as well because I was scaring them. I don't know what I had done, I dread to think of it. Maybe it had something to do with the fact I hadn't slept in just over a week.
So a few facts I'd missed out up to this point is that when my medication was upped to 100mg I'd started telling the doctors they where idiots, that If you asked anyone that knew me and put the key factors of someone with bipolar in front of them they'd agree with my thought process and methods of deduction. I'm not Sherlock Holmes, I'm just smarter than most idiots reading personalities off computer screens that in my mind have frankly given up. They just tell you to move on until the next ant walks in convinced they're dying then tell them to take paracetamol and ibuprofen.
This doctor cracked and got me a one to one with someone from Danetree mental health team, this woman was a moron. I'd judged and assessed the situation before I had even sat down, I knew what was about to happen. I fill in a form and everything is red, this is apparently not good at all. She tells me I'm fine, Before I get up and walk out of the office I tell her I'm going to walk in front of a bus just to prove her wrong. Maybe that was the day I tried to drive my car into something really fast. I can't remember If I'm honest but I'm not happy at all.
Now the doctor I saw when my medication had been upped to 200mg, I went back and saw a week later asking for sleeping pills, he was the man that was alarmed, I wound him up, he said I was a danger, I laughed at the fact his phone was broken, everytime he left the room I'd fuck with his stuff, un plug phones, pull out cards from his computer. move something. why? because he wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear, I needed confirmation, a title.
Now the title came at a heavy price, taking sleeping pills and managing to stay awake for a week is something I'm pretty sure shouldn't happen.
I remember screaming and banging my head on the floor, I remember talking to someone on the phone that said my name wrong and called me Josh, This lead to her telling my parents on the phone that I'd made it up and she hadn't called me Josh, I went fucking apeshit, How could someone dealing with an extremely suicidal paranoid insomniac also claim I was a liar. Oh did I break, I remember being emotionally ruined on the floor completely broken in a pool of tears and spit. I'd just crack my head on the floor and scream more and more. My dad lost his temper when she finally said she'd called me the wrong name. I don't remember what happened after that. At all. Like nothing at all, I think that's when the cork had popped out, only with a lack of celebration.
I felt like I had super powers, everything was heightened and this isn't a joke, my hearing became so good I could hear people pulling up, closing the car door and walking to my door before it had even happened.
I'd say things would happen before they would.
I remember the 6th of November 2014 and then I start to remember things from around the 26th December 2014.
I'll try and put a path together of pieces of what I remember but I'm clearly splitting this into three.
My Twitter is @winslowbateman
My Instagram is www.instagram.com/fi5h5tick5/
also I have Twitch www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5/profile
Peace and love.
Caleb, FI5H5TICK5 and every name inbetween.
Anyway, Sertraline, I started on 50mg, then 100mg, then 200mg. The 200mg period didn't last very long but I'll get to that and what I remember soon.
The 3-4 days of coming off one anti depressant and going onto another one was a strange one. One minute my parents turn up and I'm standing on the top of the sofa convinced I could fly and spinning around like a giddy child, then I would be in a ball on the floor crying for hours, my emotions use to over come me and knock me completely the fuck out.
I used to run, apparently this is a trait of people with bipolar as they tend to work out, I put on some music, and I'd pick it apart, layer by layer, track by track, then I'd go home.
Two reasons how I knew something was up. One was the fact that I left the house because the idea of stabbing myself was literally moments away from happening and second, I just plain fucking hate running.
What became more current was me having full blown anxiety attacks at work. I mean fall on floor, lose of sight, my hands getting stuck like claws, no feeling from my knees down and hysterical crying and hyperventilation that would last for potentially hours.
When I was at work I was in my fortress, I was the loud, over the top, eccentric, centre of attention. Everything my real personality wasn't. I was a hyper exaggeration of myself and I sold that idea so much so that I was openly telling people when I was going home I was going to cut my wrists and they'd laugh and think it was some funny joke, no one thought I had this severe depression that had started to really claw its way into my work life.
I hid it so well, at least I think I did, It became even more apparent that shit was going south when I'd just say I couldn't work. sometimes my brain couldn't do what came very naturally to me, I'd start to forget things and make mistakes. Now if I forgot to take my medication in the morning it was apparent within two hours as everything would go full shit storm and I'd just become a nightmare to work with.
Three months into the year I had my medication upped to 100mg. Six months after that it was maxed out at 200mg. This brings me to September or October 2014. We would shuffle the rota around at work to make it work for me when I had these episodes that would lead to a week off work, just to cool my jets and calm my brain. Nobody knew a whole new beast was about to be born, a sickness so dark it was like staring into a pot of Marmite.
It should have been apparent, My speech was at so fast and erratic people complained that I made no sense. I'd gone completely over the top. Sleep became less and less but these conflicting moods had started to come back down again. I honestly think I was manic only for a few days but nobody knew or saw the signs, why? because I hid.
I stopped washing, my appetite had disappeared and I was sitting playing Dragon Age Inquisition, I remember that fact but fuck me I can't remember a thing about that game. I didn't go to work, I didn't tell anybody where I was and I stayed at somebodies house and just kept to myself, I was obsessed about a crack in a T.V so I spent £500 on a new one and sat. I hadn't realised or began to question the fact that someone was in the garden watching me, every time I changed my glance and tried to catch them looking at me they had gone, I spent a lot of time with the doors locked and the curtains closed after that because they were out there and I didn't like that they were apparently as fast as shit when it came to moving out of the way.
My parents turned up one day, I remember that. I think my manager had spoke to my Mum saying I'd kind of disappeared. where I was hiding had now been compromised, had the person spying on me told everyone where I was? No, the owner of said hiding place had rang my parents as well because I was scaring them. I don't know what I had done, I dread to think of it. Maybe it had something to do with the fact I hadn't slept in just over a week.
So a few facts I'd missed out up to this point is that when my medication was upped to 100mg I'd started telling the doctors they where idiots, that If you asked anyone that knew me and put the key factors of someone with bipolar in front of them they'd agree with my thought process and methods of deduction. I'm not Sherlock Holmes, I'm just smarter than most idiots reading personalities off computer screens that in my mind have frankly given up. They just tell you to move on until the next ant walks in convinced they're dying then tell them to take paracetamol and ibuprofen.
This doctor cracked and got me a one to one with someone from Danetree mental health team, this woman was a moron. I'd judged and assessed the situation before I had even sat down, I knew what was about to happen. I fill in a form and everything is red, this is apparently not good at all. She tells me I'm fine, Before I get up and walk out of the office I tell her I'm going to walk in front of a bus just to prove her wrong. Maybe that was the day I tried to drive my car into something really fast. I can't remember If I'm honest but I'm not happy at all.
Now the doctor I saw when my medication had been upped to 200mg, I went back and saw a week later asking for sleeping pills, he was the man that was alarmed, I wound him up, he said I was a danger, I laughed at the fact his phone was broken, everytime he left the room I'd fuck with his stuff, un plug phones, pull out cards from his computer. move something. why? because he wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear, I needed confirmation, a title.
Now the title came at a heavy price, taking sleeping pills and managing to stay awake for a week is something I'm pretty sure shouldn't happen.
I remember screaming and banging my head on the floor, I remember talking to someone on the phone that said my name wrong and called me Josh, This lead to her telling my parents on the phone that I'd made it up and she hadn't called me Josh, I went fucking apeshit, How could someone dealing with an extremely suicidal paranoid insomniac also claim I was a liar. Oh did I break, I remember being emotionally ruined on the floor completely broken in a pool of tears and spit. I'd just crack my head on the floor and scream more and more. My dad lost his temper when she finally said she'd called me the wrong name. I don't remember what happened after that. At all. Like nothing at all, I think that's when the cork had popped out, only with a lack of celebration.
I felt like I had super powers, everything was heightened and this isn't a joke, my hearing became so good I could hear people pulling up, closing the car door and walking to my door before it had even happened.
I'd say things would happen before they would.
I remember the 6th of November 2014 and then I start to remember things from around the 26th December 2014.
I'll try and put a path together of pieces of what I remember but I'm clearly splitting this into three.
My Twitter is @winslowbateman
My Instagram is www.instagram.com/fi5h5tick5/
also I have Twitch www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5/profile
Peace and love.
Caleb, FI5H5TICK5 and every name inbetween.
The response so far has been amazing with the blog being read over 500 times just for 2 updates, which doesn't seem like a lot but it's something and the message that's started of small gets bigger with each update. I hope it shines some light on such a dark subject thats completely ignored in the work place, schools and every other social situation.
Thank you again
Friday, 19 August 2016
Mr YES. The Egotistical, Arrogant, Narcissist.
The definition of a blog is rather varied and wide spread, it doesn't have to be a topical piece all the time and maybe that's where I've gone wrong in the past? Hell bent on talking about games journalism and what I wish I was, rather than what I really am in reality.
It's hard to talk about a topic when your the only person you know that cares that much about it and don't have any friends to go that deep into the mechanics and craft its self, that being said I have a lot of friends that play games, Some being part of the elitist P.C master race, others being your typical console monkey, but I don't feel I have that deep connection and personality to bounce thoughts and ideas off of.
This is why I'm doing what I'm doing, to find that personality and group of people that have a love affair with the topic on a whole and every aspect.
Then we have mental illness, another topic I feel incredibly strong about and opening peoples eyes up and educating them that just because you can't see the physical wound like a broken bone in a cast doesn't mean that it isn't actually there.
Now I touched on when I was sick, I've said I'm an open book on the matter at hand so I'm going to stop lying and tell the truth to the Internet, things I haven't told my friends or family, details that go missing when I'm sat in a sterile office with a stranger and expected to feel calm. The room looks like a fucking nut house, I don't feel comfortable, how am I suppose to open up about delicate things that have happened in my life when I feel like they could walk out of the room at any moment and that's me really being left inside a padded cell.
So I'll start at the beginning.
I'm 15 or 16 and I realise things aren't right inside my head. I'm conflicted and confused and I look up depression on the Internet. I try and educate myself on the matter at hand as I don't want to waste the doctors time if I can fix the problem myself. When your that age you feel like you have life completely sorted and everything is black and white, no one is going to tell you a thing you don't already know and I'm a fully formed adult, I was wrong.
I go to the doctors and say "Somethings up" I have dark thoughts, I feel I will be a nothing for my whole life, a number, an ant, I will march along with all the other ants doing the same thing day in day out and then I'll get stepped on. We are told to get a job, get a house, pay for everything you can't afford have a child and a dog, then pay for your box in the floor that gets eaten by worms.
I'm scared my days are up and those thoughts are so powerful that I'd rather end it now and save everyone the hassle of knowing me. I drop the words 'Bipolar' in to this conversation but I don't know how to articulate my point to this rather judgemental fellow and he hands me an A4 piece of paper he printed off the Internet about being sad and tells me I'm fine. Years later they'll all realise they where wrong.
Fast forward like 4-5 years and I'm still convinced I'm bipolar, the rapid changes in emotion that can be on a daily basis or last for days, weeks and even months with every oddity in-between that I hide and ignore. I think there must be a trigger that sets me off as most episodes are triggered by events and so on. So I break down my life into things that annoy me,
I can't drive, so I learn.
My girlfriend at the time is a complete fucking prick so Its ended, I throw a chair at a pub wall in pure anger and get barred.
I'm over weight, so I go to the gym and get abs and arm muscles. I hate myself even more.
My job is trash so I quit.
I live at home so I move into a crack house with some friends.
All big things in my life have been drastically changed but nothings worked.
A year later they put me on medication for social anxiety and depression, guess I've bugged them enough at this point that they just gave me them to shut me the fuck up.
I stop drinking as my addictive personality leads me into binges and losing all self control isn't something you want to do when you think you've got some kind of split personality.
This works well for 6 months until it's my friends 22nd birthday, this also means I'm 23 in the same week. I call my doctor up and say "Its my friends birthday so can I drink on my medication?" Now over this 6 month period I've haven't touch a single drop of booze. I know if I have one sip then that's it.
He tells me it's fine.
This is the start of a tail spin 6 months and a period of cocaine, alcohol, MDMA and sex. I'm arrogant, I think I'm handsome because I've lost weight and for the first time in my life I'm going into clubs when I'm single and I notice people looking at me. I've always been oblivious to attention as I just don't care that much about it, my one goal when I'm out is to consume enough alcohol to kill an adult and then keep on drinking, people can talk at me all the fuck they want, If I'm honest I'd rather they all just disappeared.
I wake up in a university room and have no clue what the fucks happened, that was the first day of what we refer to as 'Charlie Sheen meltdown week' I think £1100 is spent on booze in total, I don't go to work for a week as I change shifts and I lose myself in some kind of indulgent fantasy where I believe I can do anything I put my mind too. Thinking about it now I think I was having some kind of manic episode as I'm a complete fucking idiot. I sleep for around 6 hours over that week. I then wake up in a house in Northampton, I have to call my friend as I don't know where I am.
I start taking too much of my medication to see what it does, I give my medication to my friends to see if it gives them a buzz. I lose the ability to say no and I live for YES.
Life is loud, colours are bright, nothing has repercussions. I'm invincible, I can tell anyone anything and they will eat every word out of my hand like a cheeky fucking Nandos.
I have a problem, My body stops pacing at 3000 miles per hour and reality hits me like a wrecking ball, I've ruined my life, I've pissed off everyone I know, I'm probably going to lose my job, I'm a completely paranoid nervous wreck and it takes me 10 weeks to get over it. I'm never drinking again. I start taking class A drugs instead.
Cocaine, MDMA, Jack Daniels and Red wine. Just reading it spells disaster.
I stop drinking on the 6th of January 2013 after a 5 month suicide run.
It's been nearly 4 years now and I'm proud of that achievement, only you can stop it. No one else can, you have to make the decision to change your life style for the better as the person I became was a version of myself I never want to be again.
Mr Yes.
An Egotistical, an arrogant narcissist.
Completely self obsessed and careless, killing everything he touches and corrupting it, I'm completely ashamed of myself but I was ill, I had to make that change happen, when I felt down I took to booze, you hide that version of yourself that's weak and vulnerable to the world, you put on the mask, you become a phantom, a beautiful monster.
You want to be accepted, just not like that.
I tell the doctors they need to change my medication because it doesn't work, so bye bye Citalopram and hello Sertraline.
It's a new start.
I'm doing better at work as I'm not on a come down or a week long collective hangover and I'm eventually promoted to Assistant Manager, I'm proud, over joyed.
To the one woman that stood by me like a sister I never had, the woman that offered me the opportunity that 10 months in the past I'm pretty sure she wanted to sack. I'll forever be thankful to her and she knows that.
I have many episodes over the next 2 years.
I'm going to stop here so it's more manageable and bite sized, as this is where it gets rather bad.
God, I just read through that with my fiancé. It's horrible to read through bad times in my life when I know I'm not that person at all, but I had to do all that to become the person I am today.
Come show some love
My Twitter is @winslowbateman
My Instagram is www.instagram.com/fi5h5tick5/
also I have Twitch www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5/profile
Peace and love.
Caleb, FI5H5TICK5 and every name inbetween.
It's hard to talk about a topic when your the only person you know that cares that much about it and don't have any friends to go that deep into the mechanics and craft its self, that being said I have a lot of friends that play games, Some being part of the elitist P.C master race, others being your typical console monkey, but I don't feel I have that deep connection and personality to bounce thoughts and ideas off of.
This is why I'm doing what I'm doing, to find that personality and group of people that have a love affair with the topic on a whole and every aspect.
Then we have mental illness, another topic I feel incredibly strong about and opening peoples eyes up and educating them that just because you can't see the physical wound like a broken bone in a cast doesn't mean that it isn't actually there.
Now I touched on when I was sick, I've said I'm an open book on the matter at hand so I'm going to stop lying and tell the truth to the Internet, things I haven't told my friends or family, details that go missing when I'm sat in a sterile office with a stranger and expected to feel calm. The room looks like a fucking nut house, I don't feel comfortable, how am I suppose to open up about delicate things that have happened in my life when I feel like they could walk out of the room at any moment and that's me really being left inside a padded cell.
So I'll start at the beginning.
I'm 15 or 16 and I realise things aren't right inside my head. I'm conflicted and confused and I look up depression on the Internet. I try and educate myself on the matter at hand as I don't want to waste the doctors time if I can fix the problem myself. When your that age you feel like you have life completely sorted and everything is black and white, no one is going to tell you a thing you don't already know and I'm a fully formed adult, I was wrong.
I go to the doctors and say "Somethings up" I have dark thoughts, I feel I will be a nothing for my whole life, a number, an ant, I will march along with all the other ants doing the same thing day in day out and then I'll get stepped on. We are told to get a job, get a house, pay for everything you can't afford have a child and a dog, then pay for your box in the floor that gets eaten by worms.
I'm scared my days are up and those thoughts are so powerful that I'd rather end it now and save everyone the hassle of knowing me. I drop the words 'Bipolar' in to this conversation but I don't know how to articulate my point to this rather judgemental fellow and he hands me an A4 piece of paper he printed off the Internet about being sad and tells me I'm fine. Years later they'll all realise they where wrong.
Fast forward like 4-5 years and I'm still convinced I'm bipolar, the rapid changes in emotion that can be on a daily basis or last for days, weeks and even months with every oddity in-between that I hide and ignore. I think there must be a trigger that sets me off as most episodes are triggered by events and so on. So I break down my life into things that annoy me,
I can't drive, so I learn.
My girlfriend at the time is a complete fucking prick so Its ended, I throw a chair at a pub wall in pure anger and get barred.
I'm over weight, so I go to the gym and get abs and arm muscles. I hate myself even more.
My job is trash so I quit.
I live at home so I move into a crack house with some friends.
All big things in my life have been drastically changed but nothings worked.
A year later they put me on medication for social anxiety and depression, guess I've bugged them enough at this point that they just gave me them to shut me the fuck up.
I stop drinking as my addictive personality leads me into binges and losing all self control isn't something you want to do when you think you've got some kind of split personality.
This works well for 6 months until it's my friends 22nd birthday, this also means I'm 23 in the same week. I call my doctor up and say "Its my friends birthday so can I drink on my medication?" Now over this 6 month period I've haven't touch a single drop of booze. I know if I have one sip then that's it.
He tells me it's fine.
This is the start of a tail spin 6 months and a period of cocaine, alcohol, MDMA and sex. I'm arrogant, I think I'm handsome because I've lost weight and for the first time in my life I'm going into clubs when I'm single and I notice people looking at me. I've always been oblivious to attention as I just don't care that much about it, my one goal when I'm out is to consume enough alcohol to kill an adult and then keep on drinking, people can talk at me all the fuck they want, If I'm honest I'd rather they all just disappeared.
I wake up in a university room and have no clue what the fucks happened, that was the first day of what we refer to as 'Charlie Sheen meltdown week' I think £1100 is spent on booze in total, I don't go to work for a week as I change shifts and I lose myself in some kind of indulgent fantasy where I believe I can do anything I put my mind too. Thinking about it now I think I was having some kind of manic episode as I'm a complete fucking idiot. I sleep for around 6 hours over that week. I then wake up in a house in Northampton, I have to call my friend as I don't know where I am.
I start taking too much of my medication to see what it does, I give my medication to my friends to see if it gives them a buzz. I lose the ability to say no and I live for YES.
Life is loud, colours are bright, nothing has repercussions. I'm invincible, I can tell anyone anything and they will eat every word out of my hand like a cheeky fucking Nandos.
I have a problem, My body stops pacing at 3000 miles per hour and reality hits me like a wrecking ball, I've ruined my life, I've pissed off everyone I know, I'm probably going to lose my job, I'm a completely paranoid nervous wreck and it takes me 10 weeks to get over it. I'm never drinking again. I start taking class A drugs instead.
Cocaine, MDMA, Jack Daniels and Red wine. Just reading it spells disaster.
I stop drinking on the 6th of January 2013 after a 5 month suicide run.
It's been nearly 4 years now and I'm proud of that achievement, only you can stop it. No one else can, you have to make the decision to change your life style for the better as the person I became was a version of myself I never want to be again.
Mr Yes.
An Egotistical, an arrogant narcissist.
Completely self obsessed and careless, killing everything he touches and corrupting it, I'm completely ashamed of myself but I was ill, I had to make that change happen, when I felt down I took to booze, you hide that version of yourself that's weak and vulnerable to the world, you put on the mask, you become a phantom, a beautiful monster.
You want to be accepted, just not like that.
I tell the doctors they need to change my medication because it doesn't work, so bye bye Citalopram and hello Sertraline.
It's a new start.
I'm doing better at work as I'm not on a come down or a week long collective hangover and I'm eventually promoted to Assistant Manager, I'm proud, over joyed.
To the one woman that stood by me like a sister I never had, the woman that offered me the opportunity that 10 months in the past I'm pretty sure she wanted to sack. I'll forever be thankful to her and she knows that.
I have many episodes over the next 2 years.
I'm going to stop here so it's more manageable and bite sized, as this is where it gets rather bad.
God, I just read through that with my fiancé. It's horrible to read through bad times in my life when I know I'm not that person at all, but I had to do all that to become the person I am today.
Come show some love
My Twitter is @winslowbateman
My Instagram is www.instagram.com/fi5h5tick5/
also I have Twitch www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5/profile
Peace and love.
Caleb, FI5H5TICK5 and every name inbetween.
Thursday, 18 August 2016
Aim low, the sky's the limit.
So why do this, what is 'This'
I don't know, shall I honestly just write a diary for the world to read, that's not interesting, everything needs substance, everything is built on something, with a purpose in mind, guess mine's going to be a blog heavily relying on spell check and no natural light, actually no fucking lights, light helps me see what I don't like and I don't like a lot.
Is it strange that I'm not actually thinking what I'm writing, I'm just writing?
What is a blog? Now I guess that can be the first barrier to break down. I have an idea but I don't actually know what defines and makes something a blog. You just make a page and post it and that's it, a blog right.
I could technically publish the word Cunt 200 times and that's a blog I guess, If I wrote that on a piece of paper and left it on the floor in the Tate Modern people would be hard pressed to define if that was art or not?
It's all subjective, in the eye of the beholder, has deeper meaning than that, really read into it. Nope, just a profanity on paper.
I told you it wouldn't be for everyone, I'm a hard sell. Like the football team metaphor.
Now I've forgotten to take my medicine but that happens most nights so I'll just keep on typing in the dark.
A quick trip to Google then wikipedia tells me all I need to know.
I'm an online brand. I've already said I tried to sell myself, even though I can't.
Now we have a definitive answer for said idea and subject or subjects full of matter, it should be an easy sell right? Would you buy an item that's bitter and past its sell by date, I thought not, so why would you want to read this?
I have no idea. I'm terrible with words, Like I said I'm not trying to write anything right now yet sentences form in front of me that are semi coherent and people tell me its okay. Or are my deluded realities and real life becoming one in the same so much so I'm making the compliments up?
I'm trying to be real. I'm 27, I'm lost in my life, I have a loving and supporting family and friends, I have a fiance who I've already told multiple times I'm going to ruin her life. I have a job, a part time one that is. I'm over weight, I spend too much money on games and I want Deus Ex so bad!
I have a diary, well I have three, one I can't find, one I found and you don't want to read or know any of the contents of those pages, why couldn't I have lost that one, the other one was kind of an idea book, like this new one, It's red, an angry colour for an angry person, I told myself to aim for the floor as you can't miss, I keep shooting myself in the foot, I think that's worse. Wise words from a complete idiot that I miss, But its true, I know they say The skies the limit, but technically doesn't the sky start at the floor too? like ground and then all of thee above is sky?
So this red diary has some pretty epic stuff in it, truly inspiring words to keep me motivated, I think I wrote "The day you come back down to earth is the day you get a job at McDonald's"
Beautifully obscure. Different, I want to stand for the person that doesn't fit in, the reminder that different is normal, who can truly define what is normal? sometimes I can't even define what weird shit I see. I have a psychiatrist, I must be doing a really good job because I'm on my fifth in 21 months. considering I see them once every 3 months, every time I open up the next visit I have a new one, I thought it was odd that I had to sign in on the wall in someone Else's shit.
I'll be the fist in the air, the voice of many, or the many voices I hear, don't tell the doctors though I might get told to go back.
We are all different and different is good, you are the person that will change the way the future is seen, that idea you had, that moment of clarity with ones self, that thought whilst driving, that will always be the first step to changing how you and the person around you lives your life. Become the change you want to see. If you think you can do it then do it, if you fall down just remember the sky starts at the ground. I see no definition for what is and what isn't sky.
Aim low, the sky's the limit.
My Twitter is @winslowbateman
My Instagram is www.instagram.com/fi5h5tick5/
also I have Twitch www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5/profile
I've figured out my first topic I will be looking at, so far It's been split into three posts, It's too fucking long, I started off by splitting into two because of the length, Not that you can put a length on perfection but I heard It's around three pages long.
Check the back catalogue, It's awful. But you can see me go from failing English and barely getting a C, having no understanding of writing, then this scramble of words you see in front of you.
Peace and Love.
Thanks for the feedback, hopefully people will come forward and start talking with me or just saying hello. who knows?
Till next time,
Caleb. FI5H5TICK5 and all the names in-between.
I don't know, shall I honestly just write a diary for the world to read, that's not interesting, everything needs substance, everything is built on something, with a purpose in mind, guess mine's going to be a blog heavily relying on spell check and no natural light, actually no fucking lights, light helps me see what I don't like and I don't like a lot.
Is it strange that I'm not actually thinking what I'm writing, I'm just writing?
What is a blog? Now I guess that can be the first barrier to break down. I have an idea but I don't actually know what defines and makes something a blog. You just make a page and post it and that's it, a blog right.
I could technically publish the word Cunt 200 times and that's a blog I guess, If I wrote that on a piece of paper and left it on the floor in the Tate Modern people would be hard pressed to define if that was art or not?
It's all subjective, in the eye of the beholder, has deeper meaning than that, really read into it. Nope, just a profanity on paper.
I told you it wouldn't be for everyone, I'm a hard sell. Like the football team metaphor.
Now I've forgotten to take my medicine but that happens most nights so I'll just keep on typing in the dark.
A quick trip to Google then wikipedia tells me all I need to know.
"A blog is a discussion or informational site published on the World Wide Web consisting of discrete entries. Many blogs provide commentary on a particular subject. Others function as more personal online diaries, and others function more as online brand advertising of a particular individual or company. A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, web pages, and other media related to its topic."
I'm an online brand. I've already said I tried to sell myself, even though I can't.
Now we have a definitive answer for said idea and subject or subjects full of matter, it should be an easy sell right? Would you buy an item that's bitter and past its sell by date, I thought not, so why would you want to read this?
I have no idea. I'm terrible with words, Like I said I'm not trying to write anything right now yet sentences form in front of me that are semi coherent and people tell me its okay. Or are my deluded realities and real life becoming one in the same so much so I'm making the compliments up?
I'm trying to be real. I'm 27, I'm lost in my life, I have a loving and supporting family and friends, I have a fiance who I've already told multiple times I'm going to ruin her life. I have a job, a part time one that is. I'm over weight, I spend too much money on games and I want Deus Ex so bad!
I have a diary, well I have three, one I can't find, one I found and you don't want to read or know any of the contents of those pages, why couldn't I have lost that one, the other one was kind of an idea book, like this new one, It's red, an angry colour for an angry person, I told myself to aim for the floor as you can't miss, I keep shooting myself in the foot, I think that's worse. Wise words from a complete idiot that I miss, But its true, I know they say The skies the limit, but technically doesn't the sky start at the floor too? like ground and then all of thee above is sky?
So this red diary has some pretty epic stuff in it, truly inspiring words to keep me motivated, I think I wrote "The day you come back down to earth is the day you get a job at McDonald's"
Beautifully obscure. Different, I want to stand for the person that doesn't fit in, the reminder that different is normal, who can truly define what is normal? sometimes I can't even define what weird shit I see. I have a psychiatrist, I must be doing a really good job because I'm on my fifth in 21 months. considering I see them once every 3 months, every time I open up the next visit I have a new one, I thought it was odd that I had to sign in on the wall in someone Else's shit.
I'll be the fist in the air, the voice of many, or the many voices I hear, don't tell the doctors though I might get told to go back.
We are all different and different is good, you are the person that will change the way the future is seen, that idea you had, that moment of clarity with ones self, that thought whilst driving, that will always be the first step to changing how you and the person around you lives your life. Become the change you want to see. If you think you can do it then do it, if you fall down just remember the sky starts at the ground. I see no definition for what is and what isn't sky.
Aim low, the sky's the limit.
My Twitter is @winslowbateman
My Instagram is www.instagram.com/fi5h5tick5/
also I have Twitch www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5/profile
I've figured out my first topic I will be looking at, so far It's been split into three posts, It's too fucking long, I started off by splitting into two because of the length, Not that you can put a length on perfection but I heard It's around three pages long.
Check the back catalogue, It's awful. But you can see me go from failing English and barely getting a C, having no understanding of writing, then this scramble of words you see in front of you.
Peace and Love.
Thanks for the feedback, hopefully people will come forward and start talking with me or just saying hello. who knows?
Till next time,
Caleb. FI5H5TICK5 and all the names in-between.
Wednesday, 17 August 2016
A half painted portrait of a glass half full.
Hey kids, lets do something fun today. Lets learn about me, a 27 year old failure that's destined for a life of nothing, with the imagination to be something and the promotional skills of that football team you haven't heard of, exactly, that made no sense, why? because you haven't heard of them and that's the point I'm getting to.
I can't sell myself, maybe like that, but probably not because I'm getting fat in old age. I convinced someone far to beautiful and clever to marry me, so much so when I proposed I told her I was miserable but the only person I wanted to be miserable with was her. Charmer right! Get in line.
So why this post? Because every so often I realise I'm a wasted talent, and how do I know that? because I tend to know more about games than the people working in the games stores. I consume so much media in the subject it frustrates me that I have no way of sharing it with anyone. I talk at my partner, 'At' being the key word in that small sentence.
So for probably the fourth or fifth time in my life I had a 'Fuck it' moment and decided to try all over again. Now I've suffered a lot in the past two years, I'm incredibly open about the subject matter because I don't let my illness define me, until it defines me and I become a living nightmare, but after that experience and years of being told to express myself I wrote a blog, It was terrible, badly spelt and I can't even remember what it was about, but after all that I'd done it.
Seems as this is a relaunch like Marvel Now or DC Rebirth I'll fill you in with the fact I'm Bipolar. Don't know what that is? Google it. It's awful. I love it.
Step one done, It had been read, when I logged in the next day not just once but actually 100 times in total, that blew my already blown up mind.
My anxiety of expressing myself had disappeared as I'd taken a step, a baby step but an incredibly theraputic one, an incredibly brave one. It helped me so much over an awful period in my life where I felt lost and helpless, an outlet for an incredibly frustrated, outspoken and anxious person. I stuck too it for months, I kept at it for months, every day, every other day, every week, once a month, now.
Now in that time i'd had some experiences with different things, all hugely positive but then the defining illness came and fucked me hard and forgot the lube. I was writing for an American website, a start up. I covered news and reviews for games, I adored it. I stopped.
Twitch, oh man was it addictive! I got to be myself on camera and people loved it, I played games, I got angry I gained a small gathering of 300 followers in 2 months. I stopped.
So when I was fucked by illness my brain shut down, basic things are impossible, all my aspirations and dreams fall away from me and reality becomes a dream. Life is better when your living in your own deluded brain, Joke all you will about Bipolar. Every person I've ever told has no fucking clue what it is. They tell me to smile and get over it.
I remember thinking someone was in my house and saw them in the kitchen, I remember trying to jump out of a car on a dual carriageway, being under 24 hour care, every time I was in public I wanted to run in front of a car and just fucking end it. I remember everything being brighter and talking so fast and nothing making any sense, I remember being awake for a week, I don't remember my brain being put under so much of an emotional beating that according to my psychaitrists record I had Amnesia for 6 weeks. I'll smile and get over that alright, sure my family where thinking the same thing whilst going through that experience. Thrown into the mix whilst this is going on is an addictive personality that over consumes everything and over analyses every small detail.
100% or 0%. I have no in between. I stopped.
Here we are again, after stopping when things were going the right way for me I decided to start again, I know right. Does it matter? Will I do it all over again? Maybe, but I have to try.
So what will I be doing? Well I'm obsessed with Gaming. I want to write about it, how? However I feel relevant. Reviews, discussions, very informal and all over the place like a Childs story. Mostly on a wall in crayon. I'm also interested in discussing my illness, games, routine and how to manage things when they seem impossible.
Basically I want to be blunt and honest with myself and everyone else, It might be polarising and not for everyone, but every time I have an opinion on a matter it is normally backed up by a fact, I look into what I disagree with also so I can see the opinion from both sides. Sounds like something everyone should do, but I've got into heated conversations with people when I've known more about their opinions point than they have.
I look at the Idea of video games through a magnifying glass. I often take to Twitter to say thank you to Indie developers for an amazing soundtrack or piece of art, sending them my reviews so they know what I thought about my experience, I want them to know how I got to the final result.
I buy the soundtracks, look into the history of the studio and try and buy the back catalogue, the artists involved with creating the feel and tone of the game and the writers telling the overall story. When you look deeper you get more of an appreciation for whats gone into it, tying that whole experience together.
Take away the music and background sound from Bioshock and play it, The game becomes so much easier, what you didn't realise was dictating your pace and that anxious feeling in your gut was the one thing you pay no attention too whilst emerged in that experience, take it away and it becomes a shooter with no jumps or build ups through sound alone.
Probably the most memorable soundtrack that I've brought recently was 'Everybody's Gone To The Rapture' by Jessica Curry. That soundtrack alone is enough to make you cry it's that beautiful, tied with an experience that is literally out of this world. She won a BAFTA for the soundtrack after I'd tweeted her, not that my tweet made that happen but, understandably so, its absolute bliss.
Other stupid facts about me are I have a huge tattoo of Cloud on my forearm, Final Fantasy VII is my ultimate favourite game, Being told not to play something because you won't understand it is all the fuel I need to play a game. I may also want to Call my Children Cloud and Ruby. Nothing to do with Final Fantasy VII at all!
I live in a small room in my grandparents home surrounded by comforts, firstly art from games framed on My wall. The Iconic Image of Joel and Ellie from The Last of us and an A3 image of Elizabeth falling from Columbia whilst Booker tries to catch her.
Drake also lives in my room. One form poster and the other a 3ft Cardboard cut out I may have borrowed from GAME.
I love collectors edition and art books also, I wish I could draw like those talented people. Probably my favourite is the art book for Witcher Wild Hunt.
Slowly I'm collecting more models but my favourite I own is Red from Transistor, Artists Jen Zee is literally insane and anything Super Giant Games touches I will throw my money at! I'm looking at you Pyre! Annoyingly though after again tweeting her to see if I could buy some original art she informed my its all digital, I cry.
Then we have all those Andrzej Sapkowski books, Oh how I love you. Next tattoo is for sure the wolf medallion on my hand. A polish writer who originally wrote the novels and short stories about Geralt before CD PROJEKT RED, a polish company also, Created that amazing world in real life.
So thats it, a small informed look into my life and the thing I love, GAMES.
One day I will make a name for my self, I don't want fame, I don't want fortune, I just want to entertain and help people.
Not sure what to call this? A diary in a sense. A half painted portrait of a glass half full.
A relaunch.
So yes I do have Twitter and Instagram, Currently I'm writing angry emails to Hello Games for selling me a game that's so broken its's crashed on me 18 times in 3 days.
Fuck you Sean Murray. I've got beef. You looked like the coolest person in the world selling your stolen Ideas. Then when it releases you change your tone immediately.
No paid DLC! free updates for every one, 7 days after launch, Might have to pay for that DLC ladies and gentlemen, maybe that'll contain a finished game! we all know it's Elite: Dangerous meets Minecraft and Johan Gielis's "Superformula" anyway. All I wanted was Joe Danger 3. I will get a refund. It may take a while but I will get my £70 back. why £70? because I brought the collectors edition because it came with an art book and steal case/comic. Fix it!
But enough about me being so mad I nearly broke my TV.
My Twitter is @winslowbateman
My Instagram is www.instagram.com/fi5h5tick5/
also I have Twitch www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5/profile
So come give me a follow, comment on what you like and share if you can as it would mean the world to me, I have a crappy back catalog of 71 posts on my blogspot so I'm sure one thing might entertain you.
Till next time people,
Caleb, FI5H5TICK5.
I can't sell myself, maybe like that, but probably not because I'm getting fat in old age. I convinced someone far to beautiful and clever to marry me, so much so when I proposed I told her I was miserable but the only person I wanted to be miserable with was her. Charmer right! Get in line.
So why this post? Because every so often I realise I'm a wasted talent, and how do I know that? because I tend to know more about games than the people working in the games stores. I consume so much media in the subject it frustrates me that I have no way of sharing it with anyone. I talk at my partner, 'At' being the key word in that small sentence.
So for probably the fourth or fifth time in my life I had a 'Fuck it' moment and decided to try all over again. Now I've suffered a lot in the past two years, I'm incredibly open about the subject matter because I don't let my illness define me, until it defines me and I become a living nightmare, but after that experience and years of being told to express myself I wrote a blog, It was terrible, badly spelt and I can't even remember what it was about, but after all that I'd done it.
Seems as this is a relaunch like Marvel Now or DC Rebirth I'll fill you in with the fact I'm Bipolar. Don't know what that is? Google it. It's awful. I love it.
Step one done, It had been read, when I logged in the next day not just once but actually 100 times in total, that blew my already blown up mind.
My anxiety of expressing myself had disappeared as I'd taken a step, a baby step but an incredibly theraputic one, an incredibly brave one. It helped me so much over an awful period in my life where I felt lost and helpless, an outlet for an incredibly frustrated, outspoken and anxious person. I stuck too it for months, I kept at it for months, every day, every other day, every week, once a month, now.
Now in that time i'd had some experiences with different things, all hugely positive but then the defining illness came and fucked me hard and forgot the lube. I was writing for an American website, a start up. I covered news and reviews for games, I adored it. I stopped.
Twitch, oh man was it addictive! I got to be myself on camera and people loved it, I played games, I got angry I gained a small gathering of 300 followers in 2 months. I stopped.
So when I was fucked by illness my brain shut down, basic things are impossible, all my aspirations and dreams fall away from me and reality becomes a dream. Life is better when your living in your own deluded brain, Joke all you will about Bipolar. Every person I've ever told has no fucking clue what it is. They tell me to smile and get over it.
I remember thinking someone was in my house and saw them in the kitchen, I remember trying to jump out of a car on a dual carriageway, being under 24 hour care, every time I was in public I wanted to run in front of a car and just fucking end it. I remember everything being brighter and talking so fast and nothing making any sense, I remember being awake for a week, I don't remember my brain being put under so much of an emotional beating that according to my psychaitrists record I had Amnesia for 6 weeks. I'll smile and get over that alright, sure my family where thinking the same thing whilst going through that experience. Thrown into the mix whilst this is going on is an addictive personality that over consumes everything and over analyses every small detail.
100% or 0%. I have no in between. I stopped.
Here we are again, after stopping when things were going the right way for me I decided to start again, I know right. Does it matter? Will I do it all over again? Maybe, but I have to try.
So what will I be doing? Well I'm obsessed with Gaming. I want to write about it, how? However I feel relevant. Reviews, discussions, very informal and all over the place like a Childs story. Mostly on a wall in crayon. I'm also interested in discussing my illness, games, routine and how to manage things when they seem impossible.
Basically I want to be blunt and honest with myself and everyone else, It might be polarising and not for everyone, but every time I have an opinion on a matter it is normally backed up by a fact, I look into what I disagree with also so I can see the opinion from both sides. Sounds like something everyone should do, but I've got into heated conversations with people when I've known more about their opinions point than they have.
I look at the Idea of video games through a magnifying glass. I often take to Twitter to say thank you to Indie developers for an amazing soundtrack or piece of art, sending them my reviews so they know what I thought about my experience, I want them to know how I got to the final result.
I buy the soundtracks, look into the history of the studio and try and buy the back catalogue, the artists involved with creating the feel and tone of the game and the writers telling the overall story. When you look deeper you get more of an appreciation for whats gone into it, tying that whole experience together.
Take away the music and background sound from Bioshock and play it, The game becomes so much easier, what you didn't realise was dictating your pace and that anxious feeling in your gut was the one thing you pay no attention too whilst emerged in that experience, take it away and it becomes a shooter with no jumps or build ups through sound alone.
Probably the most memorable soundtrack that I've brought recently was 'Everybody's Gone To The Rapture' by Jessica Curry. That soundtrack alone is enough to make you cry it's that beautiful, tied with an experience that is literally out of this world. She won a BAFTA for the soundtrack after I'd tweeted her, not that my tweet made that happen but, understandably so, its absolute bliss.
Other stupid facts about me are I have a huge tattoo of Cloud on my forearm, Final Fantasy VII is my ultimate favourite game, Being told not to play something because you won't understand it is all the fuel I need to play a game. I may also want to Call my Children Cloud and Ruby. Nothing to do with Final Fantasy VII at all!
I live in a small room in my grandparents home surrounded by comforts, firstly art from games framed on My wall. The Iconic Image of Joel and Ellie from The Last of us and an A3 image of Elizabeth falling from Columbia whilst Booker tries to catch her.
Drake also lives in my room. One form poster and the other a 3ft Cardboard cut out I may have borrowed from GAME.
I love collectors edition and art books also, I wish I could draw like those talented people. Probably my favourite is the art book for Witcher Wild Hunt.
Slowly I'm collecting more models but my favourite I own is Red from Transistor, Artists Jen Zee is literally insane and anything Super Giant Games touches I will throw my money at! I'm looking at you Pyre! Annoyingly though after again tweeting her to see if I could buy some original art she informed my its all digital, I cry.
Then we have all those Andrzej Sapkowski books, Oh how I love you. Next tattoo is for sure the wolf medallion on my hand. A polish writer who originally wrote the novels and short stories about Geralt before CD PROJEKT RED, a polish company also, Created that amazing world in real life.
So thats it, a small informed look into my life and the thing I love, GAMES.
One day I will make a name for my self, I don't want fame, I don't want fortune, I just want to entertain and help people.
Not sure what to call this? A diary in a sense. A half painted portrait of a glass half full.
A relaunch.
So yes I do have Twitter and Instagram, Currently I'm writing angry emails to Hello Games for selling me a game that's so broken its's crashed on me 18 times in 3 days.
Fuck you Sean Murray. I've got beef. You looked like the coolest person in the world selling your stolen Ideas. Then when it releases you change your tone immediately.
No paid DLC! free updates for every one, 7 days after launch, Might have to pay for that DLC ladies and gentlemen, maybe that'll contain a finished game! we all know it's Elite: Dangerous meets Minecraft and Johan Gielis's "Superformula" anyway. All I wanted was Joe Danger 3. I will get a refund. It may take a while but I will get my £70 back. why £70? because I brought the collectors edition because it came with an art book and steal case/comic. Fix it!
But enough about me being so mad I nearly broke my TV.
My Twitter is @winslowbateman
My Instagram is www.instagram.com/fi5h5tick5/
also I have Twitch www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5/profile
So come give me a follow, comment on what you like and share if you can as it would mean the world to me, I have a crappy back catalog of 71 posts on my blogspot so I'm sure one thing might entertain you.
Till next time people,
Caleb, FI5H5TICK5.
Monday, 28 March 2016
I'd Like To Call Myself Something.......One Day
So I'm awful at blogging these days.
I've got worse at streaming on Twitch too, It all started off so well and 2015 started like a car crash but I managed to find something inside myself to pull through and open those creative gates, It always happens when I'm depressed. Be it a high or a low something happens, I just seem to be more capable of juggling hours that don't exist in my life.
I started to blog, it all went well. I stopped. Things got in the way to be honest, I started writing for a start up company and I loved it but that juggling ability went out the window. It wasn't that people weren't reading what I was publishing, strangely enough it was, even months after I hadn't written a thing the hit counter kept on climbing, It kept me positive.
I stopped writing for that company, I started streaming, I was doing really well, 200 subscribers in a month, I was on a high, I needed more of those hours that I didn't have to put into Twitch, If I was going to become anything to anyone it would be on that outlet, my personality shined through and I played games I loved and made friends. I stopped in the end.
I got a job, now I had this idea I would stream and work, funny how people stream for a living and don't work, I see why now. Its tiring, all consuming, expensive, competitive, Its a dog eat dog world. You want to be relevant you play the next big game, you find the money and you play it for 20 hours a day and people will subscribe, I on the other hand couldn't do it, I didn't 'Fall' out of love with the idea, I was just to tired. My brain clearly not 100% 18 months after having a full on melt down at 25 just couldn't do it.
I tried to do it again but everything I was doing right before I feel has left me, maybe its just not meant to be?
Now I'm ill again, signed of work for the past month like a nervous agitated wreck my mental health started to plummet down hill once again.
Was I going full circle?
Like fuck was I, straight to the doctors I went, I thought I'd get the jump on this Blessing, Because that's what it is right? A blessing in disguise, Sometimes I see it that way, its been part of me for such a long time I don't think I've ever been normal and my personality is my illness. My personalities I should say, clearly I don't have one.
Think of me as an iPod on shuffle. Taylor Swift then Metallica.
I make no sense to myself anymore.
That's when I see it as a curse, its ability to creep up on me when things are going so well is almost amazing, It takes what it wants, your family, your job, relationship, friends even your life and then when you hit the lowest point it backs off, It lets you think about all the shit that's just happened and you have to pick all the pieces up with your hands tied behind your back.
You don't remember what you did, who you where, even 'are' at that point.
Then you get creative, you have nothing, so you make something. you start to write again, stream again, you have those hours you didn't have again to do all those things you couldn't do because you remember your not super human anymore.
So I have ideas. Quit your job, stream for a year, take one year out of your time and work the hardest you ever have and make your self something.
Take those chances you where scared to take, before Mr Illness fucks it all up again.
The reality is though I won't.
I can't support myself or move on in life taking chances when I'm 26, that's why your 18 for. No responsibilities, balls of steal and all the ideas you can think up sitting in your hand ready to be eaten up by the masses.
One day I'd like to call myself something other than mentally ill.
Unstable.
A burden.
That's what I see myself as to the people around me.
More of a challenge for them to overcome on a daily basis than a friend, lover or son.
So what was the point in this blog? This nagging that I'll post on the Internet for people to read, or maybe not, I don't really know, maybe its just so I feel like I've done something this time round, even if its just once. Maybe its confirmation I'm fucked? Maybe its the fact I've been up all night again and its 7am, I can hear the birds outside and the smell of my Costa I'm about to go buy?
I'll stream again today I think.
I'm pretty sure I'll blog again tomorrow.
I know I'm meant to be something.
I just don't know when that day will come.
Dreams are meant to come true if you chase them, but I live a nightmare most days, I'm a very good liar too, You'd be amazed at how long I can smile for when I'm screaming on the inside.
Depressing right? Well I have coffee now so my brains smiling. Lets make today one of those days where I fell like I'm going forward, I blogged. Is this a blog? I'll stream.
Lets see what happens tomorrow I guess.
Caleb, ManicallyDepressed-ModeratleyFunny, Fi5h5tick5.
Thats three.
Check it - https://www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5
Read it - https://www.facebook.com/FI5H5TICK5/
I've got worse at streaming on Twitch too, It all started off so well and 2015 started like a car crash but I managed to find something inside myself to pull through and open those creative gates, It always happens when I'm depressed. Be it a high or a low something happens, I just seem to be more capable of juggling hours that don't exist in my life.
I started to blog, it all went well. I stopped. Things got in the way to be honest, I started writing for a start up company and I loved it but that juggling ability went out the window. It wasn't that people weren't reading what I was publishing, strangely enough it was, even months after I hadn't written a thing the hit counter kept on climbing, It kept me positive.
I stopped writing for that company, I started streaming, I was doing really well, 200 subscribers in a month, I was on a high, I needed more of those hours that I didn't have to put into Twitch, If I was going to become anything to anyone it would be on that outlet, my personality shined through and I played games I loved and made friends. I stopped in the end.
I got a job, now I had this idea I would stream and work, funny how people stream for a living and don't work, I see why now. Its tiring, all consuming, expensive, competitive, Its a dog eat dog world. You want to be relevant you play the next big game, you find the money and you play it for 20 hours a day and people will subscribe, I on the other hand couldn't do it, I didn't 'Fall' out of love with the idea, I was just to tired. My brain clearly not 100% 18 months after having a full on melt down at 25 just couldn't do it.
I tried to do it again but everything I was doing right before I feel has left me, maybe its just not meant to be?
Now I'm ill again, signed of work for the past month like a nervous agitated wreck my mental health started to plummet down hill once again.
Was I going full circle?
Like fuck was I, straight to the doctors I went, I thought I'd get the jump on this Blessing, Because that's what it is right? A blessing in disguise, Sometimes I see it that way, its been part of me for such a long time I don't think I've ever been normal and my personality is my illness. My personalities I should say, clearly I don't have one.
Think of me as an iPod on shuffle. Taylor Swift then Metallica.
I make no sense to myself anymore.
That's when I see it as a curse, its ability to creep up on me when things are going so well is almost amazing, It takes what it wants, your family, your job, relationship, friends even your life and then when you hit the lowest point it backs off, It lets you think about all the shit that's just happened and you have to pick all the pieces up with your hands tied behind your back.
You don't remember what you did, who you where, even 'are' at that point.
Then you get creative, you have nothing, so you make something. you start to write again, stream again, you have those hours you didn't have again to do all those things you couldn't do because you remember your not super human anymore.
So I have ideas. Quit your job, stream for a year, take one year out of your time and work the hardest you ever have and make your self something.
Take those chances you where scared to take, before Mr Illness fucks it all up again.
The reality is though I won't.
I can't support myself or move on in life taking chances when I'm 26, that's why your 18 for. No responsibilities, balls of steal and all the ideas you can think up sitting in your hand ready to be eaten up by the masses.
One day I'd like to call myself something other than mentally ill.
Unstable.
A burden.
That's what I see myself as to the people around me.
More of a challenge for them to overcome on a daily basis than a friend, lover or son.
So what was the point in this blog? This nagging that I'll post on the Internet for people to read, or maybe not, I don't really know, maybe its just so I feel like I've done something this time round, even if its just once. Maybe its confirmation I'm fucked? Maybe its the fact I've been up all night again and its 7am, I can hear the birds outside and the smell of my Costa I'm about to go buy?
I'll stream again today I think.
I'm pretty sure I'll blog again tomorrow.
I know I'm meant to be something.
I just don't know when that day will come.
Dreams are meant to come true if you chase them, but I live a nightmare most days, I'm a very good liar too, You'd be amazed at how long I can smile for when I'm screaming on the inside.
Depressing right? Well I have coffee now so my brains smiling. Lets make today one of those days where I fell like I'm going forward, I blogged. Is this a blog? I'll stream.
Lets see what happens tomorrow I guess.
Caleb, ManicallyDepressed-ModeratleyFunny, Fi5h5tick5.
Thats three.
Check it - https://www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5
Read it - https://www.facebook.com/FI5H5TICK5/
Monday, 6 July 2015
The sites down and so's my creative streak
So The Nerd Stash is currently swapping hosts for the website which means I get some down time from all fun of writing news articles and seeing whats going on in the world on a daily basis, so I came back to old trusty Blogspot.
I probably need to keep more up to date with this but I get lost and find it hard to find the time especially when reviewing games as it takes a lot of time, patience and concentration to complete them in one to two sittings and all of those things aren't my strong point.
Lifeless Planet was so boring I nearly ended my own life, but then that might be the message the developer was going for so I thought I'd just slightly crucify it in my review, nothing to harsh, I believe I said it was 'The worst game I'd ever played'
So my two hour creative window and coffee break has gone to updating the world about the woes of being a ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny writer and reviewer with nothing to write and no new games to play apart from my ever growing catalogue of titles I'm playing for my own pleasure.
Currently playing a lot of Battlefield: Hardline, me and my brother are a squad to be reckoned with when we get into the groove and with a wicked single player campaign I look forward to finishing it again on Hardline mode as veterans the highest you can start it on, what a shame! I think once you've ranked up your expert level to the max and re try the levels again they should be easier as you have more fire power to play with as taking on the world with a shotgun always ends badly.
Me and my partner in crime the lovely Sarah Jane are slowly working our way through The Halo Master Chief Collection, 9 levels into Halo 2 and I still can't get my head round how beautiful that game looks!
Thinking about making some lets plays with her as we shout at each other a lot, she also like to tell me off for exploring the map, or 'running away' as she likes to call it, apparently I'm a terrible coop partner, Me and Matt never had that problem.
I finished my fourth play through of Bastion, another game that's possibly one of my favourites ever with Transistor, anything SuperGiant Games do is gold in my eyes!
Yoshi's Woolly World is currently taking my brain by storm at the moment as I want it more than words can describe, even more so than Batman: Arkham Knight and that's saying something. Woolly yarn Yoshi, to adorable for words to describe, a Let's Play must in my eyes!
This has been in the back of my mind ever since EGX last year
I have EGX to look forward to this year as well and hopefully after this years E3 there will be a lot of new games to play, I'm most excited to get my hands on StarWars Battlefront as Dice make a quality shooter, as long as it works better than Battlefield 4 did over its launch period, I had such a bad time with it I traded it in for something I've probably traded in or forgotten about now.
As life's concerned I'm still fucking lost. It's my birthday in like 4 weeks and the thought of being 26 and still as hopeless as I was when I was 18 and fresh out of school kills me, as I slowly move forward in my life something new comes along and fucks it up, finally a names been put to the illness but I still worry that every day is my last sane one as my brain ticks along like a time bomb.
Do people still read these or do I write them for myself? I think I kind of just write them to put my thoughts into words and get rid of them, if people read them then thats cool, if they don't then thats cool. The blog lead on to the next chapter and lets hope that next chapter leads to bigger challenges.
Koi Koi
ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny
Caleb
I probably need to keep more up to date with this but I get lost and find it hard to find the time especially when reviewing games as it takes a lot of time, patience and concentration to complete them in one to two sittings and all of those things aren't my strong point.
Lifeless Planet was so boring I nearly ended my own life, but then that might be the message the developer was going for so I thought I'd just slightly crucify it in my review, nothing to harsh, I believe I said it was 'The worst game I'd ever played'
So my two hour creative window and coffee break has gone to updating the world about the woes of being a ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny writer and reviewer with nothing to write and no new games to play apart from my ever growing catalogue of titles I'm playing for my own pleasure.
Currently playing a lot of Battlefield: Hardline, me and my brother are a squad to be reckoned with when we get into the groove and with a wicked single player campaign I look forward to finishing it again on Hardline mode as veterans the highest you can start it on, what a shame! I think once you've ranked up your expert level to the max and re try the levels again they should be easier as you have more fire power to play with as taking on the world with a shotgun always ends badly.
Me and my partner in crime the lovely Sarah Jane are slowly working our way through The Halo Master Chief Collection, 9 levels into Halo 2 and I still can't get my head round how beautiful that game looks!
Thinking about making some lets plays with her as we shout at each other a lot, she also like to tell me off for exploring the map, or 'running away' as she likes to call it, apparently I'm a terrible coop partner, Me and Matt never had that problem.
I finished my fourth play through of Bastion, another game that's possibly one of my favourites ever with Transistor, anything SuperGiant Games do is gold in my eyes!
Yoshi's Woolly World is currently taking my brain by storm at the moment as I want it more than words can describe, even more so than Batman: Arkham Knight and that's saying something. Woolly yarn Yoshi, to adorable for words to describe, a Let's Play must in my eyes!
This has been in the back of my mind ever since EGX last year
I have EGX to look forward to this year as well and hopefully after this years E3 there will be a lot of new games to play, I'm most excited to get my hands on StarWars Battlefront as Dice make a quality shooter, as long as it works better than Battlefield 4 did over its launch period, I had such a bad time with it I traded it in for something I've probably traded in or forgotten about now.
As life's concerned I'm still fucking lost. It's my birthday in like 4 weeks and the thought of being 26 and still as hopeless as I was when I was 18 and fresh out of school kills me, as I slowly move forward in my life something new comes along and fucks it up, finally a names been put to the illness but I still worry that every day is my last sane one as my brain ticks along like a time bomb.
Do people still read these or do I write them for myself? I think I kind of just write them to put my thoughts into words and get rid of them, if people read them then thats cool, if they don't then thats cool. The blog lead on to the next chapter and lets hope that next chapter leads to bigger challenges.
Koi Koi
ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny
Caleb
Tuesday, 5 May 2015
That awkward 20%
I went through a phase of trying to finish my ever growing list of titles I have yet to complete, it's safe to say that phase is over and I'm in the '20' percent phase.
This is a place where you put in enough hours to start the game and invest a significant amount of hours growing your character to a good enough level to no longer feel a complete noob but still a fair distance away form being something unstoppable.
I named it this as my ps4 trophy list is slowly filling with titles sitting around that mark.
Some lucky, others not so.
FarCry 4 falling into that now troubled group of games, it wasn't lucky enough to stay on my shelf, Will i keep playing? Have I seen enough. Ive done like 29 percent of the complete game, I think I'll trade it in, if i want to finish it I'll get it at another point.
Assassins Creed Unity - Hey Edward or mmmm Ezio. nope uhhhhhh Conway ? Altair. How invested am I right now, 24 percent. Ive seen enough to call it a day I think, worse case scenario I'll buy it when its cheap.
This is a problem I keep falling into.
Borderlands The pre sequel - 31% (close enough)
Lego Batman 3 Beyond Gotham - 27%
Dying Light - 21%
The Last of Us - 2 Play throughs - 10%
Don't even get me started on the under 10% games I currently have started either.
Does anyone else suffer this problem where you start something new, put a few hours in, get invested only to change to something else and fear going back to that game?
Maybe Dying Light just shit me up enough to keep me from going back to it as night time is something else.
Sometimes It means I finish a bunch of games at the same time, most times it means I trade them in un finished for something else. Thank God for PS Plus or i would own no titles at all these days.
Still this hasn't stopped the problem from happening I just own titles I want to play that I know ill never get round to at the minute like Never Alone and Abe's Odyssey. Why not just start them? Because Batman will suffer the wrath of trade in value next and I want to try Platinum that one as its seems rather easy.
I was all on track to publish this article two days ago, i was on a role and then out of nowhere came the urge to play Minecraft, maybe it was all that Achievement Hunter that id been watching? so i downloaded it, so i owned it forever, I phoned my brother and said get on that hype and he joined me.
That was two days ago and Batman is now in that fucking pile I'm talking about with the Pre Sequel and Dying Light, I won't trade them in as I'll get The Witcher 3 Wild Hunt on May 19th and my world will come to a full stop.
You'll be happy to know Minecraft is at 52percent so far,
so its held my attention for the most amount of hours anything has in a long time, maybe since Super Smash Bros Wii U.
Anyway people let me Know if you struggle with that awkward 20 percent and enjoy your Friday.
Koi Koi
Caleb ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny.
 |
| He suffered the wrath of 29% |
I named it this as my ps4 trophy list is slowly filling with titles sitting around that mark.
Some lucky, others not so.
FarCry 4 falling into that now troubled group of games, it wasn't lucky enough to stay on my shelf, Will i keep playing? Have I seen enough. Ive done like 29 percent of the complete game, I think I'll trade it in, if i want to finish it I'll get it at another point.
 |
| Unity fell next at 24% |
This is a problem I keep falling into.
Borderlands The pre sequel - 31% (close enough)
Lego Batman 3 Beyond Gotham - 27%
Dying Light - 21%
The Last of Us - 2 Play throughs - 10%
Don't even get me started on the under 10% games I currently have started either.
Does anyone else suffer this problem where you start something new, put a few hours in, get invested only to change to something else and fear going back to that game?
Maybe Dying Light just shit me up enough to keep me from going back to it as night time is something else.
 |
| I started it and 2 hours later it was 100% done. |
Sometimes It means I finish a bunch of games at the same time, most times it means I trade them in un finished for something else. Thank God for PS Plus or i would own no titles at all these days.
Still this hasn't stopped the problem from happening I just own titles I want to play that I know ill never get round to at the minute like Never Alone and Abe's Odyssey. Why not just start them? Because Batman will suffer the wrath of trade in value next and I want to try Platinum that one as its seems rather easy.
I was all on track to publish this article two days ago, i was on a role and then out of nowhere came the urge to play Minecraft, maybe it was all that Achievement Hunter that id been watching? so i downloaded it, so i owned it forever, I phoned my brother and said get on that hype and he joined me.
That was two days ago and Batman is now in that fucking pile I'm talking about with the Pre Sequel and Dying Light, I won't trade them in as I'll get The Witcher 3 Wild Hunt on May 19th and my world will come to a full stop.
 |
| I always maintained it was like a drug and it really is! |
You'll be happy to know Minecraft is at 52percent so far,
so its held my attention for the most amount of hours anything has in a long time, maybe since Super Smash Bros Wii U.
Anyway people let me Know if you struggle with that awkward 20 percent and enjoy your Friday.
Koi Koi
Caleb ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny.
Friday, 24 April 2015
The Idea of Olive oil. Random Ramblings.#83
A blank page is always the start of any creative day, Thoughts. Words, Text, they all come next, in what form, well thats all part of the fun I guess. You never know.
I certainly have no clue what comes next, it all kinda comes spilling out......
Olive oil is the best way to explain it, stupid you say? chuck Olive oil on your floor and see how stupid you really are, then you'll understand. It goes everywhere, it takes different paths.
some BIG.
some small, you clean it up but it still keeps searching trying to find that next crack.
A lot like an idea. It just keeps growing till it can consume you, Im one of those people that lets himself get consumed by an idea, Mine are normally delude ideas of importance and success. A life I'm in control of from the point I wake to the point I sleep.
Reality is I'm a nervous, emotionally broken, unconfident, unsuccessful 'Think'aholic.
All of those titles I wear with pride at this moment in time because I'm still typing away, A diary one day.
A review the next day.
An idea the next.
Olive oil at the weekends.
My new obsession and idea is higher education. A form of multimedia journalism to take this passion to the next level, a success story that can only grow in the eyes of the dreamer that dreamt it.
so my question to the anyman, other lady, lonely person, hyper active teenage and people that may or may not read this is what do you think of becoming a mature student?
Would you risk what sad story of minimal wage job you had to chase the idea of doing something more? Even a high end job, just to start a new career path and take a risk you otherwise might not.
I'm of two minds about it all, one part screams 'yes' try. Change. Become something more. The other side of me is full of self doubt. You can't. You won't. Your to old.
So here I'am now blogging away my stresses and seing if it sheds any light on the situation.
I'm also blogging from my iPhone 6 plus which is actually the fucking coolest and ever since yesterday my page was viewed 100 times which to me is an actual amazing acheivment that some people might be listening and reading and laughing or crying along with me.
Let's hope I get some emails back from the uni near by. Let's hope a blog can become part of a portfolio for higher education. Let's see if I can take that dream and Make it a reality.
All it takes is baby steps and an idea to find out what you want to do and I've found mine.
Sorry it's not as related to games today but I haven't been playing a lot, hence the slow down in content.
I marathoned the Avengers Assemble, Captain America. The winter solder and the new Age of Ultron at the midnight release which was a fun way to spend 8 hours of my day! Maybe that's why I drank so much coffee yesterday.
Koi Koi friends
Caleb Bateman - ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny
 |
| Bit extreme but olive oil is dangerous. |
I certainly have no clue what comes next, it all kinda comes spilling out......
Olive oil is the best way to explain it, stupid you say? chuck Olive oil on your floor and see how stupid you really are, then you'll understand. It goes everywhere, it takes different paths.
some BIG.
some small, you clean it up but it still keeps searching trying to find that next crack.
A lot like an idea. It just keeps growing till it can consume you, Im one of those people that lets himself get consumed by an idea, Mine are normally delude ideas of importance and success. A life I'm in control of from the point I wake to the point I sleep.
Reality is I'm a nervous, emotionally broken, unconfident, unsuccessful 'Think'aholic.
All of those titles I wear with pride at this moment in time because I'm still typing away, A diary one day.
 |
| That phone! |
An idea the next.
Olive oil at the weekends.
My new obsession and idea is higher education. A form of multimedia journalism to take this passion to the next level, a success story that can only grow in the eyes of the dreamer that dreamt it.
so my question to the anyman, other lady, lonely person, hyper active teenage and people that may or may not read this is what do you think of becoming a mature student?
Would you risk what sad story of minimal wage job you had to chase the idea of doing something more? Even a high end job, just to start a new career path and take a risk you otherwise might not.
I'm of two minds about it all, one part screams 'yes' try. Change. Become something more. The other side of me is full of self doubt. You can't. You won't. Your to old.
So here I'am now blogging away my stresses and seing if it sheds any light on the situation.
I'm also blogging from my iPhone 6 plus which is actually the fucking coolest and ever since yesterday my page was viewed 100 times which to me is an actual amazing acheivment that some people might be listening and reading and laughing or crying along with me.
 |
| Also that film though! |
Let's hope I get some emails back from the uni near by. Let's hope a blog can become part of a portfolio for higher education. Let's see if I can take that dream and Make it a reality.
All it takes is baby steps and an idea to find out what you want to do and I've found mine.
Sorry it's not as related to games today but I haven't been playing a lot, hence the slow down in content.
I marathoned the Avengers Assemble, Captain America. The winter solder and the new Age of Ultron at the midnight release which was a fun way to spend 8 hours of my day! Maybe that's why I drank so much coffee yesterday.
Koi Koi friends
Caleb Bateman - ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny
Thursday, 23 April 2015
Coffee and Cigarettes
I currently have a very casual approach to life, I sleep between 12 and 18 hours a day.
I take my medication when I'm suppose too, I chain smoke cigarettes and drinking black coffee like some cop from L.A.Noire.
I think about what I want from my life, I contemplate education, maybe something to do with writing? Creative perhaps? Journalistic, answering questions with questions, never quiet getting round to answering them.
I'm unsure of so much.
Lego Batman takes some of the stress away. until I realise I need a million studs to unlock the x2 red brick and Ive just spent all my studs buying all the characters I can.
That's first world problems right there.
My problem is I'm trying to start so much, but Im never get around to finishing anything any more.
I started this blog, I'm certainly not ready to finish it. but what I am unsure of is where to go with it?!
I guess that's life. we all start it with the intention of it never ending, then it does. Be it a long time or a short time. You want to try and change as much as you can in that period of time you spend alive.
I'm certainly spending my days trying to change things, myself mainly.
This blog was a saviour, a blessing in disguise, an out for a very ill person to try get his thoughts into order. Now their in order I struggle to find them.
I run at a constant level of 'normal' and that bores me, never up, yet always down.
I find it hard to do the things I love so much, my passion somewhere else, hidden with that order.
Gone are the days I used to wake and write, gone are the days where my Mac was constantly on charge, gone are the days of my 3DS and Shovel Knight.
I need to try and change it all.
This leads me to this blog, I kind of just picked my Mac up and started typing away. Unsure of what would happen, Time happens and over time ill people become better be it for the better or worse. That sounds horrible, normally for better, I just feel worse.
So today is the day I make an effort to blog again, to write about all those things I love and the things I love to do.
Maybe I will get back in to education and finish something for real
Or maybe ill just spend the day get that stud count up?!
Koi Koi
Caleb.
 |
| What can I say, I love coffee and Cigarettes. |
I think about what I want from my life, I contemplate education, maybe something to do with writing? Creative perhaps? Journalistic, answering questions with questions, never quiet getting round to answering them.
I'm unsure of so much.
Lego Batman takes some of the stress away. until I realise I need a million studs to unlock the x2 red brick and Ive just spent all my studs buying all the characters I can.
That's first world problems right there.
 |
| True story. |
I guess that's life. we all start it with the intention of it never ending, then it does. Be it a long time or a short time. You want to try and change as much as you can in that period of time you spend alive.
I'm certainly spending my days trying to change things, myself mainly.
This blog was a saviour, a blessing in disguise, an out for a very ill person to try get his thoughts into order. Now their in order I struggle to find them.
I run at a constant level of 'normal' and that bores me, never up, yet always down.
I find it hard to do the things I love so much, my passion somewhere else, hidden with that order.
Gone are the days I used to wake and write, gone are the days where my Mac was constantly on charge, gone are the days of my 3DS and Shovel Knight.
I need to try and change it all.
 |
| The location of said x2 stud counter. |
This leads me to this blog, I kind of just picked my Mac up and started typing away. Unsure of what would happen, Time happens and over time ill people become better be it for the better or worse. That sounds horrible, normally for better, I just feel worse.
So today is the day I make an effort to blog again, to write about all those things I love and the things I love to do.
Maybe I will get back in to education and finish something for real
Or maybe ill just spend the day get that stud count up?!
Koi Koi
Caleb.
Monday, 16 March 2015
Luigi's Grand Outing
We decided that playing Super Luigi U would be a fun idea, considering I'm damn awful at Mario platformers I decided to get over my fear of death and failure and take Luigi on a grand day out in his stand alone title Super Luigi U.
What i came to learn very fast was that Luigi in fact enjoyed dying twice as much as Mario.
This video shows a hour of struggles condensed into a 11 minute video, I hope you enjoy it as I'm really enjoying creating YouTube content, Low views aside I do it for the sense of achievement it brings to know every day I'm away from work I'm still achieving things i thought i could never do, so be kind. leave some comments, like the video and subscribe if you like what you see, It would be greatly appreciated as I currently have 1 subscriber! better than none but still 1, ha.
Have a great day and i look forward to sharing more content with you soon,
Manic Army
Caleb
What i came to learn very fast was that Luigi in fact enjoyed dying twice as much as Mario.
This video shows a hour of struggles condensed into a 11 minute video, I hope you enjoy it as I'm really enjoying creating YouTube content, Low views aside I do it for the sense of achievement it brings to know every day I'm away from work I'm still achieving things i thought i could never do, so be kind. leave some comments, like the video and subscribe if you like what you see, It would be greatly appreciated as I currently have 1 subscriber! better than none but still 1, ha.
Have a great day and i look forward to sharing more content with you soon,
Manic Army
Caleb
Friday, 13 March 2015
How about a nice cup of LiberTea?!
Todays blog update comes in the form of more YouTube content, Its starts of as a quick overview of Helldivers mechanics and core gameplay which then turns into friendly fire deaths and mechs crushing each other in a tight city map.
I should be recording some more content on Sunday swell which should be ready for Tuesday or Monday depending on the amount of material i get, so sit back, grab a coffee and watch an angry person swear at his friend a lot when it gets down to gameplay. I believe the term 'You fucking bellend' gets dropped a lot.
Thank you for your continued support as my blog continues to grow and lose followers.
Manic Army
Caleb. ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny
I should be recording some more content on Sunday swell which should be ready for Tuesday or Monday depending on the amount of material i get, so sit back, grab a coffee and watch an angry person swear at his friend a lot when it gets down to gameplay. I believe the term 'You fucking bellend' gets dropped a lot.
Thank you for your continued support as my blog continues to grow and lose followers.
Manic Army
Caleb. ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny
Monday, 9 March 2015
I wrote this when i was half asleep
If my job was to blog, I would definitely be getting fired at some point soon.
I spent the whole day playing Hell divers, via ps4 remote play, using my buddies PSVita as the second controller, another excellent feature for the ever cool PS4.
Now I must admit Hell divers went completely under my radar.
I'm not actually sure how I managed to miss it? but oh man is it fun, a blend of Starship Troopers, ODST and Command and Conquer.
You command one 'Hell diver', you drop into unknown territory to blow up a bug nest, bugs being 10 foot tall super bugs or drop off a black box to a safe point in the jungle, even multiple objectives per level which then leads to a 90 second skirmish at the evacuation point while you wait for your drop ship to come and save the day.
You spend this 90 seconds hoping some big ugly mother doesn't finish you off before you extract.
Playing solo grows old quite quick as the difficulty is ramped up and the rewards become less relevant to you, this leads me to the SOS call stratagem which you can call I'm at any point in your game, this then prioritises your game and your need for help as up-to 3 other Hell divers can dive in and join the fun, be it three friends or three complete strangers everyone seems keen to help when saving the world is at hand.
Another cool feature is that you control where your drop zone is, be it on top of the objective which is closer to the danger or a small distance away so you can plot your course more strategically avoiding enemy patrols and taking a more stealthier approach.
This game offers something for everyone. Mech suits, or Flame throwers, stun grenades to airstrikes
or even the simple shotgun or SOS call, your unit calls in certain stratagems to level the odds and bring the pain to one of the 3 enemies types in total.
My current favourite mix being Heavy armour, lazer machine gun and a Mech suit for all out combat with that extra punch, UAV's for bitches why worry where the enemy is when you can just kill everything in sight?
And that's what happened to my Friday blog, It got turned into 5 Hours of Bro fists and Redbull intake.
A day of Gaming for once at a relaxed pace and little to none depressed mood swings, also I brought Torchlight 2 on steam for 2.99, 2.99!!!!!! That's 80% off. boom, wow!
Manic Army
Caleb.
 |
| This caption is self explanatory. |
Now I must admit Hell divers went completely under my radar.
I'm not actually sure how I managed to miss it? but oh man is it fun, a blend of Starship Troopers, ODST and Command and Conquer.
You command one 'Hell diver', you drop into unknown territory to blow up a bug nest, bugs being 10 foot tall super bugs or drop off a black box to a safe point in the jungle, even multiple objectives per level which then leads to a 90 second skirmish at the evacuation point while you wait for your drop ship to come and save the day.
You spend this 90 seconds hoping some big ugly mother doesn't finish you off before you extract.
 |
| 4 player Coop, Much fun. Many kills. Wow. |
Another cool feature is that you control where your drop zone is, be it on top of the objective which is closer to the danger or a small distance away so you can plot your course more strategically avoiding enemy patrols and taking a more stealthier approach.
This game offers something for everyone. Mech suits, or Flame throwers, stun grenades to airstrikes
or even the simple shotgun or SOS call, your unit calls in certain stratagems to level the odds and bring the pain to one of the 3 enemies types in total.
 |
| Mech suit Fun. |
And that's what happened to my Friday blog, It got turned into 5 Hours of Bro fists and Redbull intake.
A day of Gaming for once at a relaxed pace and little to none depressed mood swings, also I brought Torchlight 2 on steam for 2.99, 2.99!!!!!! That's 80% off. boom, wow!
Manic Army
Caleb.
Monday, 2 March 2015
This week in words, YouTube.
After last weeks less than stellar content turn around I went on a busy spree recording videos .
So i have what I think maybe two or three new videos depending on how good the last 50 minutes of content is.
So this week I shall be dropping some more video content than ever plus more of Gunman Clive's adventures.
Probably more Bipolar medical updates, content was short last week from me having the flu and then going into a very horrible depressive stage where I didn't wash for two weeks, wasn't eating and slept for three whole days. not fun for anyone!
Sorry if I'm abit to honest about my illness but its always been part of my blog, ever since I started writing these small crayon scribblings, so I like to keep the continuity up.
So please kick back and enjoy my content, please like and subscribe, share between friends and family and make a depressed soul happy.
The thought of making people laugh is what keeps me going.
I think thats everything.
Stay till the end!
Manic Army,
Caleb, ManicallyDepressed-Moderately Funny.
Youtube Channel-
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCllx1-z8fVljqoOqJ41iw-Q
So i have what I think maybe two or three new videos depending on how good the last 50 minutes of content is.
So this week I shall be dropping some more video content than ever plus more of Gunman Clive's adventures.
Probably more Bipolar medical updates, content was short last week from me having the flu and then going into a very horrible depressive stage where I didn't wash for two weeks, wasn't eating and slept for three whole days. not fun for anyone!
Sorry if I'm abit to honest about my illness but its always been part of my blog, ever since I started writing these small crayon scribblings, so I like to keep the continuity up.
So please kick back and enjoy my content, please like and subscribe, share between friends and family and make a depressed soul happy.
The thought of making people laugh is what keeps me going.
I think thats everything.
Stay till the end!
Manic Army,
Caleb, ManicallyDepressed-Moderately Funny.
Youtube Channel-
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCllx1-z8fVljqoOqJ41iw-Q
Tuesday, 17 February 2015
Online Diary, Day 1 - Bipolar Zelda.
Sorry if I got anyone's hopes up with that title I posted last week, whilst I was on the speculation train I thought it only fair to stop off at platform 3 and a Half-Life.
As long as people use Steam it's safe to say Half life 3 is a long way away.
It would be a nice thing to hear though wouldn't it, enough photo shop jobs on the Internet to make you think otherwise, My personal favourite being the 'Gabe' Half Life 3 image I used in that blog.
Talking of Steam I saw Tomb Raider for £2.99, absolute madness if you ask me!
Jumped aboard the Zelda train this morning, Spirit train for all you technical nerds out there, and brought a copy of Majora's Mask 3D, I then spent the whole day playing A Link Between Worlds. How odd?!
Only 2 of the seven sages left to collect, so its been a fun filled, dungeon questing day.
I feel like I haven't released any proper content in a while even though I just edited content drop mark II 'I think I'm going to Spelunk"
Originally 45 minutes long I cut nearly 2/3 away to keep it in the 15 minute time frame YouTube allows.
Hopefully you'll be able to see the effort that went into making this one.
A different experience from the first video, but I hope you enjoy it all the same.
Not sure what the next video will be of and when it'll be recorded but hopefully it'll happen in the next week or two as Matt's one busy bee, I could always try being funny alone but that's just a scary thought.
Matt's also my partner in crime when it comes to creating content!
Has this become an online diary for me at the minute as I've lost any sort of direction I once had, I think it has a little, do I just stop 2 months into this project?
FUCK NO.
Documenting the mind of a Bipolar gamer and all the content he tries to create was always the idea of this blog, To do it for me, to prove I can do things no matter how scary they may seem.
My biggest anxiety actually coming from people knowing its me, Its amazing how your views can change in such a short period of time.
Now I want people to know it's me.
Create content! If not for others then for yourselves, it's rewarding to see what you can create from nothing.
I also got my Diagnosis back today from the doctor so I have an official piece of paper saying I have Bipolar disorder, its sad and scary to read about spots of amnesia and memory lapses I suffered from being so far down the rabbit hole.
Next step is treatment so after some blood tests and heart scans they will be able to move me over from an anti psychotic to a mood stabiliser, either Lithium or Valproate.
Hears to the next big step in this crazy new year.
Oh and here's what we created!
Subscribe to the YouTube -
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCllx1-z8fVljqoOqJ41iw-Q
Follow the Twitter - https://twitter.com/WinslowBateman
Manic Army
Caleb - ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny
 |
| Ready to save the day, one crowbar at a time. |
As long as people use Steam it's safe to say Half life 3 is a long way away.
It would be a nice thing to hear though wouldn't it, enough photo shop jobs on the Internet to make you think otherwise, My personal favourite being the 'Gabe' Half Life 3 image I used in that blog.
Talking of Steam I saw Tomb Raider for £2.99, absolute madness if you ask me!
Jumped aboard the Zelda train this morning, Spirit train for all you technical nerds out there, and brought a copy of Majora's Mask 3D, I then spent the whole day playing A Link Between Worlds. How odd?!
Only 2 of the seven sages left to collect, so its been a fun filled, dungeon questing day.
 |
| That adorable train! |
Originally 45 minutes long I cut nearly 2/3 away to keep it in the 15 minute time frame YouTube allows.
Hopefully you'll be able to see the effort that went into making this one.
A different experience from the first video, but I hope you enjoy it all the same.
Not sure what the next video will be of and when it'll be recorded but hopefully it'll happen in the next week or two as Matt's one busy bee, I could always try being funny alone but that's just a scary thought.
 |
| Its not that scary. |
Has this become an online diary for me at the minute as I've lost any sort of direction I once had, I think it has a little, do I just stop 2 months into this project?
FUCK NO.
Documenting the mind of a Bipolar gamer and all the content he tries to create was always the idea of this blog, To do it for me, to prove I can do things no matter how scary they may seem.
My biggest anxiety actually coming from people knowing its me, Its amazing how your views can change in such a short period of time.
Now I want people to know it's me.
Create content! If not for others then for yourselves, it's rewarding to see what you can create from nothing.
I also got my Diagnosis back today from the doctor so I have an official piece of paper saying I have Bipolar disorder, its sad and scary to read about spots of amnesia and memory lapses I suffered from being so far down the rabbit hole.
Next step is treatment so after some blood tests and heart scans they will be able to move me over from an anti psychotic to a mood stabiliser, either Lithium or Valproate.
Hears to the next big step in this crazy new year.
Oh and here's what we created!
Subscribe to the YouTube -
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCllx1-z8fVljqoOqJ41iw-Q
Follow the Twitter - https://twitter.com/WinslowBateman
Manic Army
Caleb - ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny
Friday, 13 February 2015
I think I'm going to Spelunk!
Happy Friday 13th!
I managed to edit it together and this is the end result, 13 minutes of awful spelunking!
I hope you enjoy, please subscribe and leave comments and come back for more ManicallyDepressed - ModeratelyFunny adventures!
Manic Army
Caleb
Wednesday, 4 February 2015
Lets Play Bipolar.
So I'm running out of things to write about at the minute, all the balls are rolling for me to be integrated back into normal day to day life and I'm finding it harder to find the time to sit and have a good write.
 |
| Everything's better with a cat picture. |
I need some true structure to these blogs and updates. I'm getting somewhat lost with what to cover and what to say. Am I moving backwards?
I think not, after a long, hard 9 year slog of being in and out of the doctors I've finally been diagnosed as Bi Polar, we've all known this for a long time but actually getting to see a psychiatrist and getting that diagnosis has been the hardest part, but finally I can say that I'am Bi Polar, hence the name!
On a different note.
We have a very methodical way of playing games, no progression until a level is 100% finished, this is wonderful and stressful at the same time, my fondest memory to date was our Ray-man sessions.
I think not, after a long, hard 9 year slog of being in and out of the doctors I've finally been diagnosed as Bi Polar, we've all known this for a long time but actually getting to see a psychiatrist and getting that diagnosis has been the hardest part, but finally I can say that I'am Bi Polar, hence the name!
On a different note.
I started talking to a friend about making some let's play videos for YouTube.
 |
| Best Co-op game ever? Maybe! |
I'd like to think our friendship was forged around this game, it's enough to make or break any couple, it just made us stronger.
What followed this was Smash Bros, in typical fashion the pupil now beats the master in this case.
Fist bumps and high fives, cheering and swearing. A running commentary of everything to come sounds like fun, all we need is a camera and it could go up in one take.
Hopefully I'll iron out all the kinks in my armor soon.
I started to invest some money in this venture by purchasing an Elgato HD60. I want to capture all that high definition game play, also a pod-cast microphone to add a running commentary of the stresses I'm feeling.
We also looked at another idea of recording us playing old games, in this case it was the GameCube classic Monkey Ball. we choose a mode, captured the room, no game-play due to static on the screen and us not knowing how too, we described what was happening and everything else feel into place.
It was a very natural process, an 18 minute video was recorded over a tense game of monkey target, the aim being to roll a monkey down a hill and to hit the target, jokes went back and forth about dole's sponsorship of all things banana and how the first ball pit came about.
Hopefully I can chop it together into a shorter video and you can see the basic life of two recluse nerds having a good time reliving childhood games.
Enjoy the bad quality of sound, join my adventure as my knowledge grows and be part of mine and Matt's little adventure into the YouTube space, next time It'll be another classic game with a better microphone so you can watch as it grows into something cheap and beautiful.
Koi Koi
Caleb
 |
| The start of something beautiful, and HD. |
I started to invest some money in this venture by purchasing an Elgato HD60. I want to capture all that high definition game play, also a pod-cast microphone to add a running commentary of the stresses I'm feeling.
We also looked at another idea of recording us playing old games, in this case it was the GameCube classic Monkey Ball. we choose a mode, captured the room, no game-play due to static on the screen and us not knowing how too, we described what was happening and everything else feel into place.
 |
| Monkey Ball! |
Hopefully I can chop it together into a shorter video and you can see the basic life of two recluse nerds having a good time reliving childhood games.
Enjoy the bad quality of sound, join my adventure as my knowledge grows and be part of mine and Matt's little adventure into the YouTube space, next time It'll be another classic game with a better microphone so you can watch as it grows into something cheap and beautiful.
Koi Koi
Caleb
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