A half painted portrait of a glass half full.

Hey kids, lets do something fun today. Lets learn about me, a 27 year old failure that's destined for a life of nothing, with the imagination to be something and the promotional skills of that football team you haven't heard of, exactly, that made no sense, why? because you haven't heard of them and that's the point I'm getting to.

I can't sell myself, maybe like that, but probably not because I'm getting fat in old age. I convinced someone far to beautiful and clever to marry me, so much so when I proposed I told her I was miserable but the only person I wanted to be miserable with was her. Charmer right! Get in line.

So why this post? Because every so often I realise I'm a wasted talent, and how do I know that? because I tend to know more about games than the people working in the games stores. I consume so much media in the subject it frustrates me that I have no way of sharing it with anyone. I talk at my partner, 'At' being the key word in that small sentence.

So for probably the fourth or fifth time in my life I had a 'Fuck it' moment and decided to try all over again. Now I've suffered a lot in the past two years, I'm incredibly open about the subject matter because I don't let my illness define me, until it defines me and I become a living nightmare, but after that experience and years of being told to express myself I wrote a blog, It was terrible, badly spelt and I can't even remember what it was about, but after all that I'd done it.

Seems as this is a relaunch like Marvel Now or DC Rebirth I'll fill you in with the fact I'm Bipolar. Don't know what that is? Google it. It's awful. I love it.

Step one done, It had been read, when I logged in the next day not just once but actually 100 times in total, that blew my already blown up mind.

My anxiety of expressing myself had disappeared as I'd taken a step, a baby step but an incredibly theraputic one, an incredibly brave one. It helped me so much over an awful period in my life where I felt lost and helpless, an outlet for an incredibly frustrated, outspoken and anxious person. I stuck too it for months, I kept at it for months, every day, every other day, every week, once a month, now.

Now in that time i'd had some experiences with different things, all hugely positive but then the defining illness came and fucked me hard and forgot the lube. I was writing for an American website, a start up. I covered news and reviews for games, I adored it. I stopped.

Twitch, oh man was it addictive! I got to be myself on camera and people loved it, I played games, I got angry I gained a small gathering of 300 followers in 2 months. I stopped.

So when I was fucked by illness my brain shut down, basic things are impossible, all my aspirations and dreams fall away from me and reality becomes a dream. Life is better when your living in your own deluded brain, Joke all you will about Bipolar. Every person I've ever told has no fucking clue what it is. They tell me to smile and get over it.

I remember thinking someone was in my house and saw them in the kitchen, I remember trying to jump out of a car on a dual carriageway, being under 24 hour care, every time I was in public I wanted to run in front of a car and just fucking end it. I remember everything being brighter and talking so fast and nothing making any sense, I remember being awake for a week, I don't remember my brain being put under so much of an emotional beating that according to my psychaitrists record I had Amnesia for 6 weeks. I'll smile and get over that alright, sure my family where thinking the same thing whilst going through that experience. Thrown into the mix whilst this is going on is an addictive personality that over consumes everything and over analyses every small detail.

100% or 0%. I have no in between. I stopped.

Here we are again, after stopping when things were going the right way for me I decided to start again, I know right. Does it matter? Will I do it all over again? Maybe, but I have to try.

So what will I be doing? Well I'm obsessed with Gaming. I want to write about it, how? However I feel relevant. Reviews, discussions, very informal and all over the place like a Childs story. Mostly on a wall in crayon. I'm also interested in discussing my illness, games, routine and how to manage things when they seem impossible.

Basically I want to be blunt and honest with myself and everyone else, It might be polarising and not for everyone, but every time I have an opinion on a matter it is normally backed up by a fact, I look into what I disagree with also so I can see the opinion from both sides. Sounds like something everyone should do, but I've got into heated conversations with people when I've known more about their opinions point than they have.

I look at the Idea of video games through a magnifying glass. I often take to Twitter to say thank you to Indie developers for an amazing soundtrack or piece of art, sending them my reviews so they know what I thought about my experience, I want them to know how I got to the final result.

I buy the soundtracks, look into the history of the studio and try and buy the back catalogue, the artists involved with creating the feel and tone of the game and the writers telling the overall story. When you look deeper you get more of an appreciation for whats gone into it, tying that whole experience together.

Take away the music and background sound from Bioshock and play it, The game becomes so much easier, what you didn't realise was dictating your pace and that anxious feeling in your gut was the one thing you pay no attention too whilst emerged in that experience, take it away and it becomes a shooter with no jumps or build ups through sound alone.

Probably the most memorable soundtrack that I've brought recently was 'Everybody's Gone To The Rapture' by Jessica Curry. That soundtrack alone is enough to make you cry it's that beautiful, tied with an experience that is literally out of this world. She won a BAFTA for the soundtrack after I'd tweeted her, not that my tweet made that happen but, understandably so, its absolute bliss.

Other stupid facts about me are I have a huge tattoo of Cloud on my forearm, Final Fantasy VII is my ultimate favourite game, Being told not to play something because you won't understand it is all the fuel I need to play a game. I may also want to Call my Children Cloud and Ruby. Nothing to do with Final Fantasy VII at all!

I live in a small room in my grandparents home surrounded by comforts, firstly art from games framed on My wall. The Iconic Image of Joel and Ellie from The Last of us and an A3 image of Elizabeth falling from Columbia whilst Booker tries to catch her.

Drake also lives in my room. One form poster and the other a 3ft Cardboard cut out I may have borrowed from GAME.

I love collectors edition and art books also, I wish I could draw like those talented people. Probably my favourite is the art book for Witcher Wild Hunt.

Slowly I'm collecting more models but my favourite I own is Red from Transistor, Artists Jen Zee is literally insane and anything Super Giant Games touches I will throw my money at! I'm looking at you Pyre! Annoyingly though after again tweeting her to see if I could buy some original art she informed my its all digital, I cry.

Then we have all those Andrzej Sapkowski books, Oh how I love you. Next tattoo is for sure the wolf medallion on my hand. A polish writer who originally wrote the novels and short stories about Geralt before CD PROJEKT RED, a polish company also, Created that amazing world in real life.

So thats it, a small informed look into my life and the thing I love, GAMES.

One day I will make a name for my self, I don't want fame, I don't want fortune, I just want to entertain and help people.

Not sure what to call this? A diary in a sense. A half painted portrait of a glass half full.

A relaunch.

So yes I do have Twitter and Instagram, Currently I'm writing angry emails to Hello Games for selling me a game that's so broken its's crashed on me 18 times in 3 days.

Fuck you Sean Murray. I've got beef. You looked like the coolest person in the world selling your stolen Ideas. Then when it releases you change your tone immediately.

No paid DLC! free updates for every one, 7 days after launch, Might have to pay for that DLC ladies and gentlemen, maybe that'll contain a finished game! we all know it's Elite: Dangerous meets Minecraft and Johan Gielis's "Superformula" anyway. All I wanted was Joe Danger 3. I will get a refund. It may take a while but I will get my £70 back. why £70? because I brought the collectors edition because it came with an art book and steal case/comic. Fix it!

But enough about me being so mad I nearly broke my TV.

My Twitter is @winslowbateman
My Instagram is www.instagram.com/fi5h5tick5/
also I have Twitch www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5/profile

So come give me a follow, comment on what you like and share if you can as it would mean the world to me, I have a crappy back catalog of 71 posts on my blogspot so I'm sure one thing might entertain you.

Till next time people,

Caleb, FI5H5TICK5.