I'd Like To Call Myself Something.......One Day

So I'm awful at blogging these days.

I've got worse at streaming on Twitch too, It all started off so well and 2015 started like a car crash but I managed to find something inside myself to pull through and open those creative gates, It always happens when I'm depressed. Be it a high or a low something happens, I just seem to be more capable of juggling hours that don't exist in my life.

I started to blog, it all went well. I stopped. Things got in the way to be honest, I started writing for a start up company and I loved it but that juggling ability went out the window. It wasn't that people weren't reading what I was publishing, strangely enough it was, even months after I hadn't written a thing the hit counter kept on climbing, It kept me positive.

I stopped writing for that company, I started streaming, I was doing really well, 200 subscribers in a month, I was on a high, I needed more of those hours that I didn't have to put into Twitch, If I was going to become anything to anyone it would be on that outlet, my personality shined through and I played games I loved and made friends. I stopped in the end.

I got a job, now I had this idea I would stream and work, funny how people stream for a living and don't work, I see why now. Its tiring, all consuming, expensive, competitive, Its a dog eat dog world. You want to be relevant you play the next big game, you find the money and you play it for 20 hours a day and people will subscribe, I on the other hand couldn't do it, I didn't 'Fall' out of love with the idea, I was just to tired. My brain clearly not 100% 18 months after having a full on melt down at 25 just couldn't do it.

I tried to do it again but everything I was doing right before I feel has left me, maybe its just not meant to be?

Now I'm ill again, signed of work for the past month like a nervous agitated wreck my mental health started to plummet down hill once again.

Was I going full circle?

Like fuck was I, straight to the doctors I went, I thought I'd get the jump on this Blessing, Because that's what it is right? A blessing in disguise, Sometimes I see it that way, its been part of me for such a long time I don't think I've ever been normal and my personality is my illness. My personalities I should say, clearly I don't have one.

Think of me as an iPod on shuffle. Taylor Swift then Metallica.

I make no sense to myself anymore.

That's when I see it as a curse, its ability to creep up on me when things are going so well is almost amazing, It takes what it wants, your family, your job, relationship, friends even your life and then when you hit the lowest point it backs off, It lets you think about all the shit that's just happened and you have to pick all the pieces up with your hands tied behind your back.

You don't remember what you did, who you where, even 'are' at that point.

Then you get creative, you have nothing, so you make something. you start to write again, stream again, you have those hours you didn't have again to do all those things you couldn't do because you remember your not super human anymore.

So I have ideas. Quit your job, stream for a year, take one year out of your time and work the hardest you ever have and make your self something.

Take those chances you where scared to take, before Mr Illness fucks it all up again.

The reality is though I won't.

I can't support myself or move on in life taking chances when I'm 26, that's why your 18 for. No responsibilities, balls of steal and all the ideas you can think up sitting in your hand ready to be eaten up by the masses.

One day I'd like to call myself something other than mentally ill.

Unstable.

A burden.

That's what I see myself as to the people around me.

More of a challenge for them to overcome on a daily basis than a friend, lover or son.

So what was the point in this blog? This nagging that I'll post on the Internet for people to read, or maybe not, I don't really know, maybe its just so I feel like I've done something this time round, even if its just once. Maybe its confirmation I'm fucked? Maybe its the fact I've been up all night again and its 7am, I can hear the birds outside and the smell of my Costa I'm about to go buy?

I'll stream again today I think.

I'm pretty sure I'll blog again tomorrow.

I know I'm meant to be something.

I just don't know when that day will come.

Dreams are meant to come true if you chase them, but I live a nightmare most days, I'm a very good liar too, You'd be amazed at how long I can smile for when I'm screaming on the inside.

Depressing right? Well I have coffee now so my brains smiling. Lets make today one of those days where I fell like I'm going forward, I blogged. Is this a blog? I'll stream.

Lets see what happens tomorrow I guess.

Caleb, ManicallyDepressed-ModeratleyFunny, Fi5h5tick5.

Thats three.

Check it - https://www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5

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That awkward 20%

I went through a phase of trying to finish my ever growing list of titles I have yet to complete, it's safe to say that phase is over and I'm in the '20' percent phase.

He suffered the wrath of 29%

This is a place where you put in enough hours to start the game and invest a significant amount of hours growing your character to a good enough level to no longer feel a complete noob but still a fair distance away form being something unstoppable.

I named it this as my ps4 trophy list is slowly filling with titles sitting around that mark.

Some lucky, others not so.

FarCry 4 falling into that now troubled group of games, it wasn't lucky enough to stay on my shelf, Will i keep playing? Have I seen enough. Ive done like 29 percent of the complete game, I think I'll trade it in, if i want to finish it I'll get it at another point.

Unity fell next at 24%

Assassins Creed Unity - Hey Edward or mmmm Ezio. nope uhhhhhh Conway ? Altair. How invested am I right now, 24 percent. Ive seen enough to call it a day I think, worse case scenario I'll buy it when its cheap.

This is a problem I keep falling into.

Borderlands The pre sequel - 31% (close enough)
Lego Batman 3 Beyond Gotham - 27%
Dying Light - 21%
The Last of Us - 2 Play throughs - 10%

Don't even get me started on the under 10% games I currently have started either.

Does anyone else suffer this problem where you start something new, put a few hours in, get invested only to change to something else and fear going back to that game?

Maybe Dying Light just shit me up enough to keep me from going back to it as night time is something else.

I started it and 2 hours later it was 100% done.

Sometimes It means I finish a bunch of games at the same time, most times it means I trade them in un finished for something else. Thank God for PS Plus or i would own no titles at all these days.

Still this hasn't stopped the problem from happening I just own titles I want to play that I know ill never get round to at the minute like Never Alone and Abe's Odyssey. Why not just start them? Because Batman will suffer the wrath of trade in value next and I want to try Platinum that one as its seems rather easy.

I was all on track to publish this article two days ago, i was on a role and then out of nowhere came the urge to play Minecraft, maybe it was all that Achievement Hunter that id been watching? so i downloaded it, so i owned it forever, I phoned my brother and said get on that hype and he joined me.

That was two days ago and Batman is now in that fucking pile I'm talking about with the Pre Sequel and Dying Light, I won't trade them in as I'll get The Witcher 3 Wild Hunt on May 19th and my world will come to a full stop.

I always maintained it was like a drug and it really is!

You'll be happy to know Minecraft is at 52percent so far,
so its held my attention for the most amount of hours anything has in a long time, maybe since Super Smash Bros Wii U.


Anyway people let me Know if you struggle with that awkward 20 percent and enjoy your Friday.


Koi Koi

Caleb ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny.

I blame torchlight 2.

The main Culprit.

Now Ive realised my content is starting to slow down yet again. Its gone from 7 days a week, to 5 and now between 3 and up, firstly I'm going to blame this on the combined 28 hours I've clocked on Helldivers and Torchlight 2 over this weekend.

The need to power level to level 100 is very real, 20 hours deep and currently sitting with a level 40 berserker I itch to play more.

Secondly Ive just really been struggling through out the bulk of the day to do anything, often choosing to sleep the days away and wake up late afternoon when people are around as I get terribly lonely, Most of my writing used to take place between 8am -12pm so I'm sleeping through the time I used to use to create content.

Ive been thinking about having certain days for certain types of blog,

Mondays to be game related, reviews, My thoughts on something and general discussions on the gaming world at large.

Wednesdays for my continued blogs of lets plays and other content similar to failing at a game I
choose to play.

Fridays for Overviews of the week, what I'm looking forward too, the next big release and also giving me more time in the week to right a better quality of blog.

Better than some slapped together, rushed piece of crap I force myself to publish, which i don't want to do.

Also allowing time for shooting and recording YouTube content and editing it together which also takes some time to do I might add.

This was meant to be fun and slightly informative to the people that read it, sarcastic and moderately funny, weather any of that is true I really don't know but I like to think people smile a little, its also helped me a lot to distract myself through a very troubling and hard period in my life, being diagnosed as bipolar and the struggles that come with finding the right medication and support to help you get back on track has not been a quick fix or easy task, now getting close to my 5th month out of work.

So this blog has saved my life a little recently as its done its job in distracting me a lot as Ive published over 50 blogs in total now which I'm proud of.

So I thought id just explain where I am and if there has been a dip in quality that's why, my enthusiasm still there but sometimes my depression getting in the way and taking the desire to do anything away from me.

I'm really hoping that slowing it down a step gets me back into the swing of things.

Manic Army

Caleb

Moon Walking Trains - Gunman Clive part 3

Today's Gunman Clive update comes from a coffee shop, the coffee shop where I work, not the familiar and safe surroundings I've grown accustomed to, but still I

I'm actually sat in this Costa.

familiar setting non the less, I wonder if people will be able to see the mental strain this game is causing me.

It takes me two failed jumps and a serious being form a wolf to get in the zone, I'm not going to make it far on this run.

I dash way to fast to the left and fall straight into a spiky pit once again. (26)

I make it through the small laid out path and straight into a hobbit cowboy dwelling in a small cowboy hole, I shoot him in the face and walk on by. completely forgetting whats next I start to worry.

Death, hot steaming death is next (27) Death and Bats.

Bunny with a gun. 

Back to bat city, I jump and shoot all over the place like a bunny with a gun. I make the jump, shot a man in the gut and run through into what feels like a wind turbine chamber full of ducks?! Weird. as.
FUCK.

I eat a whole cake, like you do in cowboy times, candle included, run to the another room full of wind turbines and floating platforms, the more I think about this game the less cowboy it seems.

One scary platform ride spent running against the force of the wind and dodging giant circular saws I finish stage 8 in 141 seconds, Did I mention the left side of that room was covered in spikes.

Stage 9

Coming to you live on the trailer of a train dashing through the desert, I'm greeted by a pelican drive by shitting.

'Shit off' I blast at him, shooting him straight in the beak, I kill a man dead, shot a wolf gone and punt a duck in the neck, I decide that mans name was Noah seems as he had so many damn animals following him. (27)

Cartoon Animals!

Noah decided it best to drown me so I had to start again.

I run through the level as fast as I can, Ducking and diving along the way. Thinking very methodically every step of the way I miss judge a jump and get shot in the back by a cowboy hanging out a carriage window joker style. (28) 

I make it to what I think is the end of the level and jump in-between the connecting carriages barrel rolling down the tracks in little Clive chunks. Idiot! (29)

A nice bowl of minced Clive.

As I'm hit in the guts once more I rag doll straight onto the railway track and get turned into minced meat again.(30)

Turns out there was a room full of people after what I thought was the end, Easy work for a master cowboy like Clive, finished in 76 seconds

Stage 10 - Boss battle.

Turns out the train is a giant moon walking robot, Awesome. Terrifying!

I shoot it in its big yellow head and make more progress than I did with Elvis on my first go, Ultimately I die again through trying to figure out his attack pattern, it seems to be shoot a bomb from his chest and dodge his big robotic hands made up off wheels.

Every so often he breaths fire but thats just awesome.

Fire Breathing, Moon Walking giant robotic Train.

The best thing I can suggest is to stand on the boxes and duck the on coming punches and shot in bursts of three at his big yellow head. (31)

Lets do this this time, More positive thinking!

Nope, I die a few times in this process (32) (33) (34) 

Victory, 71 seconds and that giant moon walking mother fucker is dead.

Manic Army!

Caleb - ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny.

Follow the twitter - https://twitter.com/WinslowBateman

Also check my Spelunky Youtube video ->

YouTube -
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCllx1-z8fVljqoOqJ41iw-Q

I think I'm going to Spelunk!

Happy Friday 13th!

I managed to edit it together and this is the end result, 13 minutes of awful spelunking!

I hope you enjoy, please subscribe and leave comments and come back for more ManicallyDepressed - ModeratelyFunny adventures!

Manic Army

Caleb

Future Proof, Fame not included.

A strange week for me this week, 

Future proof, fame not included.

Firstly I was diagnosed as Bipolar which is a huge relief and a long time coming, but to finally hear those words is the best thing that could happen as now I can be treated accordingly, which means more blood tests and heart scans!

I love blood tests so fucking much it's untrue.

Then to celebrate the diagnosis I brought an Elgato HD60 to start streaming some gameplay, I then realised my laptop couldn't handle the power of full 1080p 60fps streaming and recording, I then made a decision based on it being a success.

Like any reasonably sound of mind person would do, I brought a MacBook Pro.

Normal people wouldn't do this but I think its part of my charm.

So now every blog is delivered from a laptop I'm still not sure how to use, so badly so I had to text a friend, from MacBook to MacBook I should say,  about how to hashtag. #TrueStory

Dollar bills and explosions.

My week has mostly been filled with downloading Beta's

Battlefield Hardline was the first beta, my normal blog should be up in the next few days showing my 1337 skill set, If everything goes well I could technically record gameplay of the beta and narrate my blog over the top of it, like a white Morgan Freeman.

Secondly I emailed the Neverwinter devs about getting a place in the closed beta, a Xbox One MMORPG based around the dungeons and dragons franchise.

Greek battles never looked so good.

I was lucky enough to get a place so I'm intrigued and excited to see whats to offer.

So normally I have a list of games I've finished, after the last few weeks I've finished close to 10 games so its strange to not finish one at all, The list is starting to grow as I add Saints Row IV and Apotheon, a free Playstation Plus game for ps4 users!

Transistor and Rogue Legacy are the two amazing games free with Playstation Plus this month, Transistor is a science fiction RPG that follows the story of voiceless singer Red as she travels through a beautifully handprinted world fighting an enemy known as the process, My personal game of 2014 and Rogue Legacy an indie platform game, the goal is to explore a randomly generated castle, defeat four bosses in four unique environments and then defeat the final boss.

Jen Zee's amazing digital art.

I finally finished my adventure after 27 hours. 

So from me to anyone reading this that hasn't played either they are a must own for any growing Playstation Library.

Once upon a time I contacted the artist for Transistor wishing to buy some of Jen Zee's amazing art only to have my heart broken when she told me it was all done digitally and there wasn't a original copy, I was then told to check out the supergiant games store and buy some one of the posters and having it never work for me.

I still mourn to this day, another true story.

Lets hope the next week brings more finished games.

Never one to force the very natural work flow I've adopted hopefully some video content will start to be uploaded in the next few weeks.

Enjoy your Friday and download those games!

Koi Koi

Caleb

Follow the mindless tweets of a troubled individual at 
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