Mr YES. The Egotistical, Arrogant, Narcissist.

The definition of a blog is rather varied and wide spread, it doesn't have to be a topical piece all the time and maybe that's where I've gone wrong in the past? Hell bent on talking about games journalism and what I wish I was, rather than what I really am in reality.

It's hard to talk about a topic when your the only person you know that cares that much about it and don't have any friends to go that deep into the mechanics and craft its self, that being said I have a lot of friends that play games, Some being part of the elitist P.C master race, others being your typical console monkey, but I don't feel I have that deep connection and personality to bounce thoughts and ideas off of.

This is why I'm doing what I'm doing, to find that personality and group of people that have a love affair with the topic on a whole and every aspect.

Then we have mental illness, another topic I feel incredibly strong about and opening peoples eyes up and educating them that just because you can't see the physical wound like a broken bone in a cast doesn't mean that it isn't actually there.

Now I touched on when I was sick, I've said I'm an open book on the matter at hand so I'm going to stop lying and tell the truth to the Internet, things I haven't told my friends or family, details that go missing when I'm sat in a sterile office with a stranger and expected to feel calm. The room looks like a fucking nut house, I don't feel comfortable, how am I suppose to open up about delicate things that have happened in my life when I feel like they could walk out of the room at any moment and that's me really being left inside a padded cell.

So I'll start at the beginning.

I'm 15 or 16 and I realise things aren't right inside my head. I'm conflicted and confused and I look up depression on the Internet. I try and educate myself on the matter at hand as I don't want to waste the doctors time if I can fix the problem myself. When your that age you feel like you have life completely sorted and everything is black and white, no one is going to tell you a thing you don't already know and I'm a fully formed adult, I was wrong.

I go to the doctors and say "Somethings up" I have dark thoughts, I feel I will be a nothing for my whole life, a number, an ant, I will march along with all the other ants doing the same thing day in day out and then I'll get stepped on. We are told to get a job, get a house, pay for everything you can't afford have a child and a dog, then pay for your box in the floor that gets eaten by worms.

I'm scared my days are up and those thoughts are so powerful that I'd rather end it now and save everyone the hassle of knowing me. I drop the words 'Bipolar' in to this conversation but I don't know how to articulate my point to this rather judgemental fellow and he hands me an A4 piece of paper he printed off the Internet about being sad and tells me I'm fine. Years later they'll all realise they where wrong.

Fast forward like 4-5 years and I'm still convinced I'm bipolar, the rapid changes in emotion that can be on a daily basis or last for days, weeks and even months with every oddity in-between that I hide and ignore. I think there must be a trigger that sets me off as most episodes are triggered by events and so on. So I break down my life into things that annoy me,

I can't drive, so I learn.

My girlfriend at the time is a complete fucking prick so Its ended, I throw a chair at a pub wall in pure anger and get barred.

I'm over weight, so I go to the gym and get abs and arm muscles. I hate myself even more.

My job is trash so I quit.

I live at home so I move into a crack house with some friends.

All big things in my life have been drastically changed but nothings worked.

A year later they put me on medication for social anxiety and depression, guess I've bugged them enough at this point that they just gave me them to shut me the fuck up.

I stop drinking as my addictive personality leads me into binges and losing all self control isn't something you want to do when you think you've got some kind of split personality.

This works well for 6 months until it's my friends 22nd birthday, this also means I'm 23 in the same week. I call my doctor up and say "Its my friends birthday so can I drink on my medication?" Now over this 6 month period I've haven't touch a single drop of booze. I know if I have one sip then that's it.

He tells me it's fine.

This is the start of a tail spin 6 months and a period of cocaine, alcohol, MDMA and sex. I'm arrogant, I think I'm handsome because I've lost weight and for the first time in my life I'm going into clubs when I'm single and I notice people looking at me. I've always been oblivious to attention as I just don't care that much about it, my one goal when I'm out is to consume enough alcohol to kill an adult and then keep on drinking, people can talk at me all the fuck they want, If I'm honest I'd rather they all just disappeared.

I wake up in a university room and have no clue what the fucks happened, that was the first day of what we refer to as 'Charlie Sheen meltdown week' I think £1100 is spent on booze in total, I don't go to work for a week as I change shifts and I lose myself in some kind of indulgent fantasy where I believe I can do anything I put my mind too. Thinking about it now I think I was having some kind of manic episode as I'm a complete fucking idiot. I sleep for around 6 hours over that week. I then wake up in a house in Northampton, I have to call my friend as I don't know where I am.

I start taking too much of my medication to see what it does, I give my medication to my friends to see if it gives them a buzz. I lose the ability to say no and I live for YES.

Life is loud, colours are bright, nothing has repercussions. I'm invincible, I can tell anyone anything and they will eat every word out of my hand like a cheeky fucking Nandos.

I have a problem, My body stops pacing at 3000 miles per hour and reality hits me like a wrecking ball, I've ruined my life, I've pissed off everyone I know, I'm probably going to lose my job, I'm a completely paranoid nervous wreck and it takes me 10 weeks to get over it. I'm never drinking again. I start taking class A drugs instead.

Cocaine, MDMA, Jack Daniels and Red wine. Just reading it spells disaster.

I stop drinking on the 6th of January 2013 after a 5 month suicide run.

It's been nearly 4 years now and I'm proud of that achievement, only you can stop it. No one else can, you have to make the decision to change your life style for the better as the person I became was a version of myself I never want to be again.

Mr Yes.

An Egotistical, an arrogant narcissist.

Completely self obsessed and careless, killing everything he touches and corrupting it, I'm completely ashamed of myself but I was ill, I had to make that change happen, when I felt down I took to booze, you hide that version of yourself that's weak and vulnerable to the world, you put on the mask, you become a phantom, a beautiful monster.

You want to be accepted, just not like that.

I tell the doctors they need to change my medication because it doesn't work, so bye bye Citalopram and hello Sertraline.

It's a new start.

I'm doing better at work as I'm not on a come down or a week long collective hangover and I'm eventually promoted to Assistant Manager, I'm proud, over joyed.

To the one woman that stood by me like a sister I never had, the woman that offered me the opportunity that 10 months in the past I'm pretty sure she wanted to sack. I'll forever be thankful to her and she knows that.

I have many episodes over the next 2 years.

I'm going to stop here so it's more manageable and bite sized, as this is where it gets rather bad.

God, I just read through that with my fiancé. It's horrible to read through bad times in my life when I know I'm not that person at all, but I had to do all that to become the person I am today.

Come show some love

My Twitter is @winslowbateman
My Instagram is www.instagram.com/fi5h5tick5/
also I have Twitch www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5/profile

Peace and love.

Caleb, FI5H5TICK5 and every name inbetween.

Aim low, the sky's the limit.

So why do this, what is 'This'

I don't know, shall I honestly just write a diary for the world to read, that's not interesting, everything needs substance, everything is built on something, with a purpose in mind, guess mine's going to be a blog heavily relying on spell check and no natural light, actually no fucking lights, light helps me see what I don't like and I don't like a lot.

Is it strange that I'm not actually thinking what I'm writing, I'm just writing?

What is a blog? Now I guess that can be the first barrier to break down. I have an idea but I don't actually know what defines and makes something a blog. You just make a page and post it and that's it, a blog right.

I could technically publish the word Cunt 200 times and that's a blog I guess, If I wrote that on a piece of paper and left it on the floor in the Tate Modern people would be hard pressed to define if that was art or not?

It's all subjective, in the eye of the beholder, has deeper meaning than that, really read into it. Nope, just a profanity on paper.

I told you it wouldn't be for everyone, I'm a hard sell. Like the football team metaphor.

Now I've forgotten to take my medicine but that happens most nights so I'll just keep on typing in the dark.

A quick trip to Google then wikipedia tells me all I need to know.

"A blog is a discussion or informational site published on the World Wide Web consisting of discrete entries. Many blogs provide commentary on a particular subject. Others function as more personal online diaries, and others function more as online brand advertising of a particular individual or company. A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, web pages, and other media related to its topic."

I'm an online brand. I've already said I tried to sell myself, even though I can't.

Now we have a definitive answer for said idea and subject or subjects full of matter, it should be an easy sell right? Would you buy an item that's bitter and past its sell by date, I thought not, so why would you want to read this?

I have no idea. I'm terrible with words, Like I said I'm not trying to write anything right now yet sentences form in front of me that are semi coherent and people tell me its okay. Or are my deluded realities and real life becoming one in the same so much so I'm making the compliments up?

I'm trying to be real. I'm 27, I'm lost in my life, I have a loving and supporting family and friends, I have a fiance who I've already told multiple times I'm going to ruin her life. I have a job, a part time one that is. I'm over weight, I spend too much money on games and I want Deus Ex so bad!

I have a diary, well I have three, one I can't find, one I found and you don't want to read or know any of the contents of those pages, why couldn't I have lost that one, the other one was kind of an idea book, like this new one, It's red, an angry colour for an angry person, I told myself to aim for the floor as you can't miss, I keep shooting myself in the foot, I think that's worse. Wise words from a complete idiot that I miss, But its true, I know they say The skies the limit, but technically doesn't the sky start at the floor too? like ground and then all of thee above is sky?

So this red diary has some pretty epic stuff in it, truly inspiring words to keep me motivated, I think I wrote "The day you come back down to earth is the day you get a job at McDonald's"

Beautifully obscure. Different, I want to stand for the person that doesn't fit in, the reminder that different is normal, who can truly define what is normal? sometimes I can't even define what weird shit I see. I have a psychiatrist, I must be doing a really good job because I'm on my fifth in 21 months. considering I see them once every 3 months, every time I open up the next visit I have a new one, I thought it was odd that I had to sign in on the wall in someone Else's shit.

I'll be the fist in the air, the voice of many, or the many voices I hear, don't tell the doctors though I might get told to go back.

We are all different and different is good, you are the person that will change the way the future is seen, that idea you had, that moment of clarity with ones self, that thought whilst driving, that will always be the first step to changing how you and the person around you lives your life. Become the change you want to see. If you think you can do it then do it, if you fall down just remember the sky starts at the ground. I see no definition for what is and what isn't sky.

Aim low, the sky's the limit.

My Twitter is @winslowbateman
My Instagram is www.instagram.com/fi5h5tick5/
also I have Twitch www.twitch.tv/fi5h5tick5/profile

I've figured out my first topic I will be looking at, so far It's been split into three posts, It's too fucking long, I started off by splitting into two because of the length, Not that you can put a length on perfection but I heard It's around three pages long.

Check the back catalogue, It's awful. But you can see me go from failing English and barely getting a C, having no understanding of writing, then this scramble of words you see in front of you.

Peace and Love.

Thanks for the feedback, hopefully people will come forward and start talking with me or just saying hello. who knows?

Till next time,

Caleb. FI5H5TICK5 and all the names in-between.