Gunman Clive Part 4

I see how annoying that could be now.

STAGE 11

Dick just threw a bottle at me!

Not an actual dick, just this dick cowboy.

I celebrate by catching the bottle and jumping into the abyss, popping the cork in tandem like I'm part of the champagne circus. (35)

Dick just got me again! Again the cowboy, not a dick.

Swinging platforms 'Tarzan' me too safety, away from the PeliCANS and PeliCANTS

These damn Tarzan swinging platforms cause me problems as I fall to my death again, Are these holes just never ending? Are they dug to the centre of the earth?! One weird layed out country if you ask me! (36)

Tarzan, Professional Swinger.

I kill him this time, Learning.

Jumping into the air when a platforms moving. Not learning!

Stupid fucking peliCAN (38) (39) 

I don't wait, I miss time this Tarzan swing, I die once a fucking gain! (40) (41) (42) (43)

Its that PeliCANT that won't let me pass, like some flying feathered Gandalf.

Turns out that bastard last jump was the end of the level, 74 seconds of swinging jumps, I let my anger recede like the ocean and move on to      
stage 12.

Bouncy mushroom or mushroom trip? Ask Clive.

STAGE 12

Is that a bouncy mushroom? That's a bouncy fucking mushroom.

Standard cowboy mushroom, I think Clive's eaten one to many mushrooms today, that would be an interesting turn of events if it was all a mushroom induced trip.

I mushroom bounce into that familiar abyss once fucking more! (44) (45) 

The jump mechanic of this mushroom is actually that stressful I want to stop playing (46)

This can only get worse as I imagine half the level will be awful mushroom jumps. (47)

I do it, only to be denied by a  peliCANT (48) Its okay now, I've figured out the awful mushroom jump mechanic.

Army Ducks. Adorable, Deadly.

Now ducks are flying in back up troops, adorable, but now it adds another layer to the fight, land and air combat, I'm not ready for this!

What did I say, mushroom jumps, God damn. FUCK! I curl my toes in absolute fucking anger.

156 seconds. Thank fuck for that that.

UNLUCKY STAGE 13

I jump onto a platform, a platform that tilts all the way to the left and dumps me into the cold abyss (49) Lets try sprint across it next time.

You rock! rock pun.

Nope. (50)

Looks like I can make it across if I jump it, I successfully jump through but lose two bars of health against some bullet sprinkler.

Hello sprinkler and rock monster, how are you today?

I roll across a gap onto the back of a giant platform and into the final section of stage 13, 1 bar of health left, I'm ready to die.

I have to run on a giant boulder like some kind of Flintstone, I do this as eloquently as a brick (51)
through a glass window, running straight off the boulder and into some spikes below

I'm over this level right now, I just want it to end!

I cruise through with some serious pace, next challenge is a spinning ledge, jumping from one side to the next as it lifts me higher in the air and onto the next platform, I slide down it like a fireman's pole and die once again

(52) (53) (54) (55) (56) (57) (58) (59)

Once may have been an understatement.

When I say I die this much I genuinely mean it, I can't fucking do this today!

(60) (61) (62) (63) (64) (65)

I'm over it today, I choose to put the 3DS down instead of leaving it under a car tyre. fucking Clive.

Manic Army

Caleb ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny.

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Does anyone else punch themselves?

I punch myself.

Dat frustration.

It sounds completely bonkers to say out load but when my skills start to become questionable, my frustrations running high and my patience at its lowest I thump myself in the leg, sometimes once, sometimes multiple times.

Like some strange pavlovian conditioning technique, I discipline myself by unleashing unholy wrath upon my leg.

I've started to notice parts of me are more yellow than the original milky white colour they where before.

Gunman Clive is driving me bonkers, a clear contender for speed runs, it times every stage, secretly judging you after every complete level, I don't feel the need to go back and better myself, doing it is 'better' enough for me.

Link rage.

I've noticed it more and more as the weeks have past, the first time I punched myself I was Link, too anyone thats played a Zelda game its clear you've all felt that frustration, be it the whole of Phantom Hourglass or first puzzle in Spirit Tracks Zelda rage is very true.

As I've mentioned in another Zelda related blog, not being able to find that missing treasure chest is enough to go crazy.

First I kinda shake a little like Im telling myself 'did you really just do that'?!

Secondly I keep my calm and do it again.

Thirdly I try and rush my way there and die at an earlier point.

Fourthly I tell myself to calm down or I won't be able to do it.

Fifthly I close my 3DS lid only to open it seconds later like I didn't admit defeat

and if Im lucky enough to get to the sixth time and Beyond I thump my leg, like I said it could be once but I think the maximum amount of times its happened is in the five plus region.

Imagine the nail in my leg.

I used to do it when I was alone like it was my dirty little secret, then I did it in front of someone to just hear 'what are you doing' in a condescending tone.

Then I started doing it in public, when I was blogging about Clive I should say, if you've played that game you've felt my pain.

I don't know if anyone saw me raging away in the corner like I was putting up a picture. Only i'm hammering the nail in my leg with my fist.......also missing the picture.

Then it all gets foggy as I stop playing weather I've succeeded or not, normally not doing it and leaving it for another day, turning my 3DS into a useless powered brick for a few days.

I'm sure its normal.

Manic Army

Caleb ManicallyDepressed-ModearatelyFunny.

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Moon Walking Trains - Gunman Clive part 3

Today's Gunman Clive update comes from a coffee shop, the coffee shop where I work, not the familiar and safe surroundings I've grown accustomed to, but still I

I'm actually sat in this Costa.

familiar setting non the less, I wonder if people will be able to see the mental strain this game is causing me.

It takes me two failed jumps and a serious being form a wolf to get in the zone, I'm not going to make it far on this run.

I dash way to fast to the left and fall straight into a spiky pit once again. (26)

I make it through the small laid out path and straight into a hobbit cowboy dwelling in a small cowboy hole, I shoot him in the face and walk on by. completely forgetting whats next I start to worry.

Death, hot steaming death is next (27) Death and Bats.

Bunny with a gun. 

Back to bat city, I jump and shoot all over the place like a bunny with a gun. I make the jump, shot a man in the gut and run through into what feels like a wind turbine chamber full of ducks?! Weird. as.
FUCK.

I eat a whole cake, like you do in cowboy times, candle included, run to the another room full of wind turbines and floating platforms, the more I think about this game the less cowboy it seems.

One scary platform ride spent running against the force of the wind and dodging giant circular saws I finish stage 8 in 141 seconds, Did I mention the left side of that room was covered in spikes.

Stage 9

Coming to you live on the trailer of a train dashing through the desert, I'm greeted by a pelican drive by shitting.

'Shit off' I blast at him, shooting him straight in the beak, I kill a man dead, shot a wolf gone and punt a duck in the neck, I decide that mans name was Noah seems as he had so many damn animals following him. (27)

Cartoon Animals!

Noah decided it best to drown me so I had to start again.

I run through the level as fast as I can, Ducking and diving along the way. Thinking very methodically every step of the way I miss judge a jump and get shot in the back by a cowboy hanging out a carriage window joker style. (28) 

I make it to what I think is the end of the level and jump in-between the connecting carriages barrel rolling down the tracks in little Clive chunks. Idiot! (29)

A nice bowl of minced Clive.

As I'm hit in the guts once more I rag doll straight onto the railway track and get turned into minced meat again.(30)

Turns out there was a room full of people after what I thought was the end, Easy work for a master cowboy like Clive, finished in 76 seconds

Stage 10 - Boss battle.

Turns out the train is a giant moon walking robot, Awesome. Terrifying!

I shoot it in its big yellow head and make more progress than I did with Elvis on my first go, Ultimately I die again through trying to figure out his attack pattern, it seems to be shoot a bomb from his chest and dodge his big robotic hands made up off wheels.

Every so often he breaths fire but thats just awesome.

Fire Breathing, Moon Walking giant robotic Train.

The best thing I can suggest is to stand on the boxes and duck the on coming punches and shot in bursts of three at his big yellow head. (31)

Lets do this this time, More positive thinking!

Nope, I die a few times in this process (32) (33) (34) 

Victory, 71 seconds and that giant moon walking mother fucker is dead.

Manic Army!

Caleb - ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny.

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Exercise my right to pick up a gun and fight - Gunman Clive part 2

Today I'm Celebrate America by watching the Super Bowl, I'm betting the Patriots will win for some weird reason, whats more patriotic than having patriot in you name?

Rugby for wimps?

Anyway I decide in my pure chill state to fire up some Gunman Clive in what I'm describing as 'Let's Play meets walk through that adds no help at all, just details of death via cute animal'

Let's do this.

Stage 6 - 19 Retries - 16 Minutes play time.

A pelican hangs around in the air later deciding to shit a bird bomb at me, feeling one with the controls I jump shot him, jumping a cliff in the process and taking out two cowboys exercising my truly bad ass gunman skills.

A saw stares me out, daring me to make the jump, I think nothing of the stupid task only to get rushed by a man on horse back straight away. I worriedly shoot  all over the screen waiting for him to make a second pass, I don't look so good now.

What gap?

I focus so much on this shooting this passing arsehole I completely miss the hole in bridge falling to death number (20) 

I start of with a far more aggressive play style this time and figure it takes between 3 and 6 hits to kill this horsemen, I  smash all four this time with out taking one hit, beast mode engaged.

Bye Bye bridge of death, hello freshly blown holes in the next bridge.

I shoot a large red barrel, blowing what I can only assume are the pieces that are meant to fly away up, I can almost taste stage 7.

Two more terrifying bridges later and multiple explosions I roll through stage 6 in 59 seconds, that's a lie, more pre judged excitement when in fact I'm greeted by two more horsemen.

I jump down a ladder and that's stage 7 in 77 seconds.

Oh fuck it I need to stop guessing and wait until I finally actually do I, Oh I do now, 80 seconds in.

Stage 7

Creepy? Fuck no.

I start this part of my adventure in an abandoned mine shaft, jumping in the only thing I can see,
I wonder if I'll spend my whole time in this mine cart?

Looks like a yes, as I go to jump out the cart as a gap appears, the cart follows me like its welded to my lower cowboy parts, legs that is.

It's almost over as fast as it began, shooting me across a level of pelicans and gunmen in opposing mine carts.

I miss time an awkward short jump and jump straight into the abyss (21) 

Lets tackle that one again shall we!

More high speed chases in mine carts making Battlefield Hardline look like child's play, I high speed my self into the abyss one more time. (22) 

Once this game kills you, it kills you a lot! FUCK IT (23)

Fuck those guys, I fly through the level in 60 seconds flat . ONWARDS!!!

                                                                                    Stage 8

Only work he could get these days.

I climb down a ladder and bitch slap a wolf in the face, I rescale the ladder to notice he's re appeared once again.

I'm more taken by the magic blocks that appear and disappear before my eyes, I wonder what I'm going to have to do with them?

JUMP ACROSS THEM.

They form together into a tedious puzzle, one appears, one is taken away, making you                
                                                                                       memories the order they appear in to get to the       next level.

As I focus on the man in front of me with a gun I lose focus and walk straight into a decent, a decent into spikes, damn times moving blocks! (24)

I manoeuvre the jumps, slap a man in the face a dash over to a tiny killer bat, I finish bats off and jump over some more spike floor finishing another bat and gunman, I'm getting good at this now, I miss judge the jump and eat spike salad once again, No more!

That's a wrap.

Manic Army

Caleb.