Gunman Clive Part 4

I see how annoying that could be now.

STAGE 11

Dick just threw a bottle at me!

Not an actual dick, just this dick cowboy.

I celebrate by catching the bottle and jumping into the abyss, popping the cork in tandem like I'm part of the champagne circus. (35)

Dick just got me again! Again the cowboy, not a dick.

Swinging platforms 'Tarzan' me too safety, away from the PeliCANS and PeliCANTS

These damn Tarzan swinging platforms cause me problems as I fall to my death again, Are these holes just never ending? Are they dug to the centre of the earth?! One weird layed out country if you ask me! (36)

Tarzan, Professional Swinger.

I kill him this time, Learning.

Jumping into the air when a platforms moving. Not learning!

Stupid fucking peliCAN (38) (39) 

I don't wait, I miss time this Tarzan swing, I die once a fucking gain! (40) (41) (42) (43)

Its that PeliCANT that won't let me pass, like some flying feathered Gandalf.

Turns out that bastard last jump was the end of the level, 74 seconds of swinging jumps, I let my anger recede like the ocean and move on to      
stage 12.

Bouncy mushroom or mushroom trip? Ask Clive.

STAGE 12

Is that a bouncy mushroom? That's a bouncy fucking mushroom.

Standard cowboy mushroom, I think Clive's eaten one to many mushrooms today, that would be an interesting turn of events if it was all a mushroom induced trip.

I mushroom bounce into that familiar abyss once fucking more! (44) (45) 

The jump mechanic of this mushroom is actually that stressful I want to stop playing (46)

This can only get worse as I imagine half the level will be awful mushroom jumps. (47)

I do it, only to be denied by a  peliCANT (48) Its okay now, I've figured out the awful mushroom jump mechanic.

Army Ducks. Adorable, Deadly.

Now ducks are flying in back up troops, adorable, but now it adds another layer to the fight, land and air combat, I'm not ready for this!

What did I say, mushroom jumps, God damn. FUCK! I curl my toes in absolute fucking anger.

156 seconds. Thank fuck for that that.

UNLUCKY STAGE 13

I jump onto a platform, a platform that tilts all the way to the left and dumps me into the cold abyss (49) Lets try sprint across it next time.

You rock! rock pun.

Nope. (50)

Looks like I can make it across if I jump it, I successfully jump through but lose two bars of health against some bullet sprinkler.

Hello sprinkler and rock monster, how are you today?

I roll across a gap onto the back of a giant platform and into the final section of stage 13, 1 bar of health left, I'm ready to die.

I have to run on a giant boulder like some kind of Flintstone, I do this as eloquently as a brick (51)
through a glass window, running straight off the boulder and into some spikes below

I'm over this level right now, I just want it to end!

I cruise through with some serious pace, next challenge is a spinning ledge, jumping from one side to the next as it lifts me higher in the air and onto the next platform, I slide down it like a fireman's pole and die once again

(52) (53) (54) (55) (56) (57) (58) (59)

Once may have been an understatement.

When I say I die this much I genuinely mean it, I can't fucking do this today!

(60) (61) (62) (63) (64) (65)

I'm over it today, I choose to put the 3DS down instead of leaving it under a car tyre. fucking Clive.

Manic Army

Caleb ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny.

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Never fear The Order 1886 is here.

My red velvet curtains.

Hello, long time no Blog!

Just spent the best part of a week or two getting over super flu!

Probably the sickest I've been in years in all honesty, it was rubbish. No games were played, no Blogs were written, nothing was done apart from sleeping and trying to sleep, but NEVER fear I'm feeling a little better, so today I write from a moderately tidy room with the curtains open and its not even 8 am.

I must be sick.

Ive been on a mad downward spiral recently and been in and out of doctors and hospitals having heart scans and blood tests to make sure my body can handle the new mood stabilisers i'll be put on soon.

So that's been my week in and out of doctors and hospitals, having meetings and scans, blood tests and speaking to people about my illness, its been pretty shitty being forced to relive all those horrible moments and explain them for the 100th time when all I want to do is move past it.

People draw super saiyan lycan beasts.

I did manage to grab a copy of The Order 1886, I'm enjoying my play through so far, I managed chapter 1-10 in my first sitting before I succumbed to the need for sleep. and my PS4 kept switching off. True Story.

Knowing the game is only 16 chapters long has stopped me from playing it since, as I don't want it to end, once its done the game becomes redundant, no multiplayer, no 'Lycan' mode, just a quick run through to clean up on the last few trophies and then back to Games shelf.

Sad life cycle but the only one it will get, I can imagine by this weekend Game and CEX will be mostly built up of second hand copies of a game every bodies finished, I would mostly be building forts out of all my copies if I could.

Touch my Moustache, no joke. FUCKING TOUCH IT.

Then there's the bundles that will no doubt appear left right and centre trying to sell the game some more to make up for its incredibly average Metacritic score of 65. not that Metacritic should matter, make your own minds up!

Making the game an Amber.

luckily for the guys and gals at Ready At Dawn the game is the most incredible thing my eyes have ever seen on a screen, multiple times I've stopped watching a cut scene and stood for overly long periods of time before I realise the game is in fact in motion.

This and my hunger for moustached characters Im very happy with what I've played so far, I know my journeys about to end but hopefully they do an Assassins Creed 2 and make a sequel thats one of the best titles released on the last generation console.

His blade is taking his spine for a ride.

Hopefully i can find my missing notebook of ideas and drafts and be back on the blog hype as of next week, sorry again for illness but I've been so depressed and out of it I nearly quit my job and become a farmer, true story.

Manic Army

Caleb -ManicallyDepressed-ModeratelyFunny.

Twitter-
https://twitter.com/WinslowBateman

Lets Play Bipolar.

So I'm running out of things to write about at the minute, all the balls are rolling for me to be integrated back into normal day to day life and I'm finding it harder to find the time to sit and have a good write.

Everything's better with a cat picture.

I need some true structure to these blogs and updates. I'm getting somewhat lost with what to cover and what to say. Am I moving backwards?

I think not, after a long, hard 9 year slog of being in and out of the doctors I've finally been diagnosed as Bi Polar, we've all known this for a long time but actually getting to see a psychiatrist and getting that diagnosis has been the hardest part, but finally I can say that I'am Bi Polar, hence the name!

On a different note.

I started talking to a friend about making some let's play videos for YouTube. 

Best Co-op game ever? Maybe!

We have a very methodical way of playing games, no progression until a level is 100% finished, this is wonderful and stressful at the same time, my fondest memory to date was our Ray-man sessions. 

I'd like to think our friendship was forged around this game, it's enough to make or break any couple, it just made us stronger.

What followed this was Smash Bros, in typical fashion the pupil now beats the master in this case.

Fist bumps and high fives, cheering and swearing. A running commentary of everything to come sounds like fun, all we need is a camera and it could go up in one take.

The start of something beautiful, and HD.

Hopefully I'll iron out all the kinks in my armor soon.

I started to invest some money in this venture by purchasing an Elgato HD60. I want to capture all that high definition game play, also a pod-cast microphone to add a running commentary of the stresses I'm feeling.

We also looked at another idea of recording us playing old games, in this case it was the GameCube classic Monkey Ball. we choose a mode, captured the room, no game-play due to static on the screen and us not knowing how too, we described what was happening and everything else feel into place.

Monkey Ball!

It was a very natural process, an 18 minute video was recorded over a tense game of monkey target, the aim being to roll a monkey down a hill and to hit the target, jokes went back and forth about dole's sponsorship of all things banana and how the first ball pit came about.

Hopefully I can chop it together into a shorter video and you can see the basic life of two recluse nerds having a good time reliving childhood games.

Enjoy the bad quality of sound, join my adventure as my knowledge grows and be part of mine and Matt's little adventure into the YouTube space, next time It'll be another classic game with a better microphone so you can watch as it grows into something cheap and beautiful.

Koi Koi

Caleb

Gunman Clive - King for a day

Clive the gunman.

I start this adventure on normal, Gunman Clive's adventure that is, clearly not skilled enough for hard I settle in the middle, I can always start it again and change the difficulty.

Clive, Gunman Clive is my character of choice, why you ask? Because it's his name in the title not Ms. Johnson.

The story is simple, Ms. Johnson has been kidnapped, so I kill everything I see in a testosterone fuelled rampage. Take that stall. Fuck you chair.

The lay outs simple also, 4 checkpoints and a boss battle are shown on my bottom screen, my boy Clive standing above. B is jump and Y is shoot, that's it, It;s go time Clive.

Check these details out, I jump on a box and shoot a man in his cowboy hat. Boo Yah, what follows is probably the single most violent image I have ever seen of a cowboys shin splintering to pieces and blowing apart due to the sheer power of Clive's revolver.

That hardy Duck.

More like a 2D gunman falls over and turns to smoke.

I jump on a duck and it hurts me, now I don't want a reverse Zelda situation so I leave him to his business and cap the 3 o'clock square in the mush.

I can shoot in a straight line and that's that, to kill targets that are above me I need to get to their level, I climb some more handy crates and blow up more shins, more ducks appear.

Not to self: Ducks are harder than cowboys.

I eat bullet and take one square to the gut. Yep, this is like shovel knight. (1)

Four hits and you die, I take 3 trying to rush straight in, the key here is to time to bullets and jump over them, using gaps in firing time to dominate and land that all important hit.

I die in the exact same place again (2)

This cake isn't.

I make quick work of the 3 targets as I know where there situated. Trail and error, It gets to the point where you can run the level with your eyes closed, if you die enough times.

One giant slice of cake and a random wolf attack later I pass a checkpoint and walk into stage 2.

I'm weirdly attracted to this little grey opening, what is it? Why its a cowboy in a hole! Fucker made me jump, if only I could shovel drop people.

I try and jump from roof top to roof top like a ninja cowboy, turns out I just fall to my 2D death. (3) 

I speed on past the roof top, this time landing the jump successfully, a few overly nervous jumps later and I'm safe.

I can see this taking a while as I'm surrounded by killer cowboy ducks.

We killed him instead.

A wolf named Bill jumps into view trying to sell me some moonshine, I decline by lodging a bullet in his wolf head, damn lone wolfs,didn't you know you get nowhere with an attitude like that.

I shoot another duck in the beak bringing up the end of stage 2, 90 seconds, 90 seconds of turtle heading.

Now there's pelicans that drop bombs, they also turn into black smoke when they die, I feel like Mr Echo, this being my western lost timeline.

What follows next is the introduction of 'tilt' platforms, their course is outlined in front of me via dotted line, It's my job to stand on one side  moving the platform and killing any pelican, duck, wolf and cow-person the game can throw at me, I do so like a boss for two of these, three enemies in and I'm starting to worry about my curiously low health bar and the fact I'm only quarter of the way into this stage.

I realise once the platform gets to the end of its designated journey it falls into the nether, it takes me with it this time. (4)

I sail on by. No trouble this time, I get shot in the butt and die again, damn it (5)

Killer circular saws are now in front of me, the forces of evil getting stronger and harder the further I advance into the map.

She has the power of Tits and Saws.

Do they have a sorceress or something because it's floating in mid air all by itself.

Now there's killer Bunny rabbits as well that bounce over large distances of the level and tail drop me, I feel like I've annoyed a farm of highly intelligent farmyard animals.

Twist in the plot, Evil crocodile stole the princess, you heard it from me first.

I flow through the level, one with the controls , bunnies are nothing to me, even when they do come flying across the map at me. I'm so confident ducking, shooting and running on through the map I make a huge mistake when killing a guy. I stand in his bullet trail left after he dies (6)

Falling floors, easy work. Stationary cowgirl, Deadly! (7)

54 seconds it takes me to speed run this part with out dying, I wonder to myself what spooky animal I'll fight as it clearly wont be a human.

Elvis Presley with a mini gun makes exceptionally quick work of me! (8)

Elvis's next hit is called bullets.

And again, Bastard! (9)

What the fucking fuck, this guy is actually crazy hard (10)

I'm getting tired of this. (11)

What follows next is actually painful. (12) (13) (14) (15) (16) (17) (18) (19) 

Should I put this on easy? If I die 30 times I really am!

What, I killed him, 50 second battle. 12 deaths in total from him, Fuck you!

You ain't the king no more.

Koi Koi

Caleb

2015, The year I forgot to post a list of games on the internet for people to read, again.

2015, That's the year.

Witcher 3 hype is very real in my world..

Also the amount of games I'm about to list for your joy and my excitement.

Shall I use numbers, yea why not. Everyone loves the odd list of numbers don't they.

Now I'm excited for a lot of games this year, some I'll re lose the ability to speak over when social life killers like The Witcher 3:Wild Hunt comes out, oh ad that's number 1, do I need to explain why I'm so excited for it. 

Those of you that read my blog might have a slight inkling into why I'm going to lose my brain over this game, A huge fan-boy of Polish author Andrzej Sapkowski story of Geralt of Rivea, follows is all the shit an ultimate monster killing bad ass can get up to, not to mention the amount of nudity, violence, corruption and beheading's!

Like Game of Thrones but not shit, I believe that's settled any argument we could have, also did I mention it's an amazing game franchise and the final piece of Geralt's story? Unlike the Game of Thrones game, which was also SHIT.

The Witcher 3:Wild Hunt - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ_G6XiHoUA

The secret order of moustached men and woman.

Secondly, that's number 2 if you didn't know is The Order:1886. The story following a group of old order knights that keep the world safe from a horrible breed of monsters, Half man, half beast. Like me.

The Humans outnumbering the cool looking beasts, but being on the back foot due to the Monsters brute strength. awesome, with futuristic weapons and huge moustaches, what's not to love in this stylish 3rd person shooter. 

Also I've played it and its sick! Visually next level also.

We love you Kirby.

The Order:1886 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7SbgvtBDCQ

On the more visually colour intense scale we have number 3 my Boy Kirby and the Rainbow Curse, Claymation! That's all you need. just look at this and tell me your not sold.

Kirby and the Rainbow Curse - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_QrlwnHbkc

No list is complete without a Zelda entry, number 4, Link's first journey on the new hardware since 2013'S 3DS release The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds. We love you Wii U

The Legend of Zelda Wii U - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0y4hv62YEw

Try and tell me bad things now, I can tell you know that game will be pure joy, and also controller crushingly puzzling.

Can I just put a bunch of YouTube links in a row and it'll explain it's self?

No , I'll use good old brain and language to communicate my emotions to you over these visual delights, so how many is that? 4, only another 2011 to go. True story. Go time

Coming in at number 5, in no particular order, just what pops to mind is Yoshi's Woolly World.

What is he?

Another game that's just an absolute feast for your eyes, also a cooperative game in that ever popular Mario format, you play as everyone's favourite lizard dinosaur Yoshi, I've been lucky enough to play this with a friend at EGX, he spent half the time eating me, shitting me out and firing me across the map like a knitted mess, wicked cool, here's that link you want.

Yoshi's Woolly World - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vR8EHatIIE

Jesus Christ it's more beautiful than I remember

I'll split this wonderful blog into a two parter, why you ask? that's not cool! Well I'd like to think your checking out the video's and getting as excited as I do over some of the best releases of the year, in my eyes!

So the last one on this short list and number 6 of 2015 is Halo 5: Guardians, now we all love master chief and his adventures across planets, solar systems and time and space it's self, this time introducing another Spartan name Locke his sole purpose is to find Sierra 117 and trade concrete with him, riveting stuff!

Also looking forward to casually playing more than my fair share of Online maps and cooperative multiplayer the way I think every Halo game should be played.

Halo 5: Guardians - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0YkQ4YKOSw

Spartan Locke.

So I hope you enjoyed a brief look at some of my most anticipated games of the next year, obviously there's to many to name so I've chosen a small handful, comment on what your looking forward to and if you think I've missed some important ones!

Remember though there is a part 2 coming soon.

Koi Koi

Caleb

It's one of those blogs

I try and blog most days.

I've stopped my vigorous 7 day blogathon as I was sat at my laptop most of the time writing and posting and not playing games, not that I don't enjoy doing that, I just didn't want to ruin something I'm enjoying so much.

Worst poster ever!

If I have no time to play games then what do I write about?

So I toned it down a little, giving myself weekends to write away and play all day ready for the weekday posts.

Friday has become a kind of overview day for me, what I finished, If anything! What I hope to achieve?! If anything again.

I seem to be averaging around 3 games a week, I'm on target again this week

I said good bye to 'Thatgamecompanys' Colourtastic feelz-fest Flower, Cracking on some Bon Iver and being in a very happy place for a few hours.

Dem Feels.

I finally finished Halo Combat Evolved and move on to the very sexy Halo 2 and last but not least Dust, I say that, I'm on the last boss as I type, hoping to achieve that wonderful Gold Trophy for completion on Tough.

2 days later edit, Infamous Firstlight is another game that I decided to put on my done pile, still the odd trophy I can go back for and get when I want to go on a mindless neon fuelled rampage.

Brought the wonderful Guacamelee and saints row IV re-elected, the pile grows as it get s smaller.damn you cheap digital downloads, Guacamelee being all of £4.00

I made a start on my Bayonetta 2 journey, finishing the first few levels in a 3 hour frenzy of coffee and combo's.

I also continue my travels across Hoenn Region with my  'Now' bedtime game Pokemon Alpha Sapphire

Do you get the title now?

The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds also saw a dungeon quest solved and now moving onto my third sage piece, excited to rekindle my love for that game and cross that title off the shortening list.

My first documented Isaac run was a disaster! Major doubts on weather I can keep my cool with a game that has no checkpoints or saves.

I recently put together a Tumblr account as another social hub, a safe haven blogs and geek related imagery, I like it quiet a lot after a day of surfing around on there, I can see it fast becoming a favourite. Even if it is hard to manage 5 different accounts for posting the blog on!

Also had an amazing day on Wednesday achieving 103 reads in one day, so nice to see if grow from 20 a day to between 50 - 70 and now hitting the triple figures, next stop the world! All in my first month as well.

Cheers Ireland.

24 views coming from Ireland! So thank you Irish people, you made my day and I hope you enjoyed.

Don't be a stranger, leave comments,

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Formats! woop.

Koi Koi

Caleb

Pig Masks and Bitches.

In what direction does a direction less blog go?

I'll go that way.

Do I cover news on a weekly basis and put my thought and spin on the whole situation?

Do I cover certain platforms on certain days?

Some formats I've found are popular, My hands on experience with games being one, The future of things to come and my failings and success's as a budding platformer.

I want this blog to grow but I'm clueless on how to go about it.

Beta's are always fun to review but their never a weekly thing, hence why I try and cover as many as I can, just encase you're not lucky enough to try them. I've also emailed to play some closed Beta's like the Fable Legends Multiplayer Beta but just have to see if I get sent a code. I'm good at the waiting game, Not.

Send me that code so I can mock your game. maybe

Also Xbox's Games with Gold and PlayStation Plus title's are a good way to give a person a look at the game before they kill there download limit for a game they might hate, some games I've downloaded for free only to instantly delete them ten minutes later, Road not closed being one of them.

Still haven't typed up my 'Swapper' review yet but I have till the end of the month to do that, but again that boils down to between 2-4 a month.

I like to think I'm opinionated, I always feel passionately about the subject and try to have a reason behind my every thought process, never one to jump on the bandwagon, I feel I have an honest outlook on the pressing issue be that a good or a bad thing.

I again can't thank the people that have been reading this enough because it really has been a saviour for me when I was in a very dark period of my life.

I remember this 'Meh' Film though.

Going from working all the time to being to sick to talk, to tired to sleep, not eating and not being able to remember 6 weeks of my life, I struggled to watch  films as I couldn't remember what happened. Three months off sick is a lot more boring than it sounds, I feel distant from the outside world and this has been a creative venture I never thought I'd ever pursue.

To have just under 2000 views in my first month, first day I posted was a month ago, is literally an incredible response for me! Even if it is just me and my mum refreshing the page over and over again.

It makes me feel really good, that someone might like my posts and take something away from them.

Be it just a few laughs or an actual purchase of a game I like to think I have a very strange format of reviewing games as I don't go for the numbers approach, That way you don't just scroll to the number with out seeing the process.

My reviews are an A4 page of facts, laughs and game play.

If you have a sense of humour like mine and an open mind I like to think you'll end up at the same place I do.

Just because I like it though doesn't necessary mean you will as well, but if I cover all the bases then I might touch on what you like and go from there.

I might just start condensing pocket sized nuggets of  internet down into more manageable bites

This whole blog coming from some drafts that  never saw the light of day.

Does the title make sense now?

Hotline Miami seemed like a solid idea in my head but in reality it was awful, You die to much, you spend more time writing what just happened and 3 seconds later you die again doing the same thing. The title was awesome though 'Pig masks and bitches'. on the other hand it would make for awesome game play videos.

I need to find a new platformer like Shovel Knight to cover, Like Mega man, pay day purchase.

Please comment and follow and let me know! How does one improve if the problems and ideas are not communicated back to him?

I do think I've found a possible candidate though, whilst surfing the 3DS E store I stumbled across a bunch of Critically acclaimed games to play on 3DS. One was a £1.99 gem called Gunman Clive about a gunman called Clive trying to shoot his way to the mayors daughter, I think.

Clint Eastwood's adaptation coming early 2017

I managed to die once on the first level and you start the whole section again, that's the winning format I love so much.

Koi Koi

Caleb

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Evolve - Beta. Pokemon Edition.

Evolve


Evolve is a cooperative based shooter developed by Turtle Rock Studios, best known for Title Left 4 Dead, a cooperative based shooter in the same vain, this time based around giant monsters that 'Evolve' like Pokemon, you level up by eating wildlife in the surrounding habitat whilst being pursued by a group of 4 hunters.

These hunters come in 4 different classes, all based around different skill sets.

Markov.

Resident meat head Markov the over sized Russian sounding Assault class

Hobo chain smoker Hank in the role of moral Support with guns,

Super moaner Val the Medic and Griffin the griffin, I mean Trapper.

First up this beta is free to anyone that has an Xbox Live Gold account, which I'm going to assume is everyone these days? Secondly and most importantly it's an arse hole to find, not plastered on the home screen I had to Bing search the beast, later finding the 20GB kraken of a download, I'll play Path of Exile while I wait.

Hank.

I enter the beta pretty excited by the idea of giant monsters, hello giant monster foot!

Cue amazing intro video that I'm going to find and link right here as people need to see the awesomeness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-Uhh8SdvOw

As the game starts it shows me a break down of the Goliath class, explaining about how the moves work with a cute little tutorial video, I would find that video but I'm not that skilled at linking in pages.

Certain Hot keys are linked to certain moves, these main keys are X, Y, Lb and Rb, images are also shown next to the moves located at the top of the screen

The game is played in a 3rd person view when your the Goliath as you can hurl giant rocks at your enemies as well as breath fire over a large area of the map hurting more than one enemy in the process.

Grifiin.

The remaining buttons are left to your core move set, A for a long or short monster leap, B for monster sneak because apparently monsters sneak, Rt for monster whack and Lt for monster climb.

Rs also a key button used to sniff out those crafty animals you rely on so heavily to evolve, highlighting the amount and whereabouts of the little creature, similar to Dragon Age and the Witcher series.

Eating wildlife is key to evolving your level 1 Goliath to a level 3 beast and winning the match, the higher your level the more powerful your monster, level 3 kitted out with a mammoth amount of health and armor making you that much harder to kill.

Hitting Lt and Rt at the same time when you've eaten enough food starts the evolution process, My Goliath Buffing up and flexing his muscles for a monster muscles weekly photo shoot.

Now a little details on the wonderful classes, each one having certain strengths and weaknesses.

Hunter - Damages Monster.

Medic- Heals Hunter.

Support - Buffs Hunter.

Trapper - Traps Monster.

Val.

This is where the cooperative part of the game kicks in, if you get stuck with the idiots I did the match will end in two minutes flat, you'll be taunted by a child in the lobby telling you to rage quit because you lost.

Good to see this aspect of douche baggery is still going strong in the internet space

The class it throws me into this time is the Assault class.
The same hot keys apply this time to the character but instead of being at the top of the screen its in the right hand corner, this being down to the fact your now playing in a first person perspective

Lt aiming my meat head weaponry, Rt shooting said weaponry X reloading my weapon and a lot of the manoeuvring solely left down to tapping, double tapping and holding the A button in certain directions.

I decide now it's go time, I boot up solo mode to get a feel for the controls, Instead I get a video of a small ship flying of a bigger ship which is heading in the direction of a creepy looking planet, I wonder if monster's inhabit the surface?

Stop Kraken them bad jokes.

Word on the street is were dealing with more than ordinary wildlife, This made clear to me by a robot I thought was called 'fuck it', turns out he's names Bucket.

It's then made clear to me who each character is and what hobbies they most enjoy, mostly killing giant monsters. A quick decision is then made to not allow me to play the single player mode and then continually loops the character introduction video, Online it is.

Cool feature walks up to me and says,

 'Hey Caleb, sick of playing multiple roles when you just want to focus your grind on the meat head assault class? No worries, now you can prioritise your match matching. Choose your preferred class and we'll try to match you in order of preference with this handy 1-5 rating system, monster included.'

Thanks cool feature, that's a really cool feature.

Bread lover, Wholewheat01.

Meat head it is!

Round 1 - Skirmish

I stand around not moving, the monster on the other hand makes an obvious approach thanks to the badly named 'scare birds'

10 seconds later my meat head is turned into a bot as I'm writing this.

10 seconds later later and I'm crushed by a giant monster.

10 seconds later later later the match is over. Good team work guys!

Its made apparent to me that this game really does rely heavily on cooperative team play and communication, each class complimenting each other in different ways.

Hello trash talking 13 year old on the other side of the microphone, how I've missed you ever so

I name of shame this dick, Wholewheat01. what a stupid fucking name, looks like we have a bread loving Goliath on the other team.

Hamper full of bread rolls.

Round 2 - Bread loving Goliath edition.

He kills the Medic and Support class then scampers off with a hamper full of hot bread rolls, 2 minutes later more support drops in, If your whole team doesn't die, a new bunch of people drop in to the map again via little ship, stretching the match even further, if you all fall to pieces like my first attempt its over just as quick as it started. He makes one more quick assault with a baguette then flees.

His tactic seems to be seems to be bludgeon Medic with stale Tiger loaf, attempt rest of team relying on lack of communication to be there failure, no medic to help them in the process, 3 Ciabatta's later and it's over again.

Tiger bread.

I'm excited at the premise of playing this with 3 friends, I don't have 3 friends but I'm excited all the same, short and fun like Left 4 Dead, Re-run same maps trying out new tactics each time with friends, love it, Shame about the every man for him self vibe I'm getting at the minute.

5th match now and I'm level 2 and my new perk is the ability to cycle weapons 50% faster, bread lovers level 23 no wonder he's fucking us up so much.

That game!

5th lose in a row? Still learning the buttons, I realise Rb gives me a handy little shield and Lb drops mines, great. another tactic I've learnt is when everyone dies don't assault the big doughy bastard until the support has dropped in again. this being are failure every time trying to be the hero and not the team player

So close yet again, he can't heal 9 bars of health and a shield in the 2 minutes you have to hide from this bread lover, force the win should be our tactic!

This time I'm the Hobo with a mini gun Hank.

He has a cloak ability you can use to escape temporarily when things are getting ruff, why hasn't anyone used that before? I may have to try the Medic class next, Meat heads not so fun, Not like Hobo tank Hank.

Koi Koi

Caleb









.

Path of Recluse - P.C Edition

The reason I write so much at the minute is because I've been signed off work, once I'm back at the start of February my posts will probably start to slow down or change to late evening, or maybe even at any point in the day making it a surprise to the few people that read these awful blogs.

Back to work face.

I've been using this blog as a 'Job' away from jobs, keeping deadlines, researching certain things and most importantly to have something to show for everyday I'm not working.

I've also proven to myself that I can do the things I thought I'd never do, It's hard work being your own critic.

Never in my life did I expect I'd be blogging things, mostly down to the fact my English is so bad, but with a little bit of practice I feel like I'm making some sort of progress.

Today I feel I may have stopped all progress thanks to Grinding Gear Games Lootastic RPG epic Path of Exile.

Some game.

Fuck, I'm no P.C Gamer, hell I don't own a powerful tower with dual screens, It's own personal bank account ready to be used whenever the upgrade is needed, because the master race likes every hair to move in the wind, us console peasants, we're lucky if the whole head moves.

I have a tiny net book, which hadn't even been used until I started blogging, It's life before being a 'oversized iPod that never got to travel'

Let's face the facts, P.C gaming is a somewhat expensive hobby to start, I know my console plays every game regardless of specification because they have a guide line they can work to which ensures the game works on that unit, P.C's on the other hand have a open field, no matter how crazy that game looks, you buy the pieces to make it look that good. I'm sure once that upgrades done you don't need to change anything that often......maybe.

Because of my lack of money and space in my bedroom under the stairs P.C gaming is a thing I can only look forward to in the future, maybe. I like the sound of steam sales.

self explanatory.

Enter Player 2 - Path of Exile, I hear the words 'Diablo',I throw money at it.I have a strange addiction to mindlessly smashing endless streams of enemies and mega bosses to death, collecting epic loot then continuously levelling my character up till my eyes burn.True story with the burning eyes. plus this games fucking FREE!

My Diablo experience was a long lived one on Xbox 360, easily taking the coveted 'Time killer' award, what little social life I have took a hit, all I wanted to do was dungeon crawl.

Inferno mode finished, paragon level 5 achieved, I gave up my solo expedition.

The Diablo bug is still very real, Reaper of souls edition on PS4 always on my mind, I wait till its cheap.

Some other game.

No word of a lie I'm an addict, I'm addicted to being addicted to things. World of Warcraft, the one game I'm scared of.

So I get sent an Invite for this game, I boot it up. Giggling to myself that it wont work on tiny net-book, I wait an hour for it to download and update, I make my account, entertaining the thought of it working, knowing in the back of my head it won't.

Fuck me it does.

Meat Head.

I create a character of the meat head variety.

I mindlessly click and bash skulls in,

Options:
Graphics - Medium,
Shadows - Low,
Textures - Low.

Now it's running super smooth and still looks nice, Cale's head moving in the wind.

I lose the whole of 15/01/15 to this game, so I'd like to apologise now if I never post again.

Koi Koi

Caleb

Shovel Knight 11 - The End is Nigh.

Back once again to the Troupple pond for some freebie potions, this shall be my final visit and final battle.

Cheap horror movie.

I enter the castle greeted by walls surrounding me, I shovel drop a brick and everything falls away, I fall with it taking me three floors down onto a very shady looking platform, lava underfoot taunting me with cries for help, the room smells of hot death, I'll be adding to that shortly.

Plus why does my house smell of death? I'm playing a game not in some cheap horror movie, I'd call it 'Nintendo 3.Dead.S', spooky.

Did I speak to soon, the platform just started 'flinging' its self at me, politely pushing me in said lava along the way. (165) (166) (167) 

I jump all the blocks being delicately thrown at my face till a hole appears in the hall, I jump through to what I think is safety when in reality I just fall down another 3 levels of pure darkness onto another sketchy looking platform.

The level seems to be building around me a lot like in bastion, only this time I'm not an angry kid smashing stuff in a beautifully painted world, I'm a shovel Knight in a wonderful 8 bit world, or 16
bit, probably 16 bit now I think about it.

Either way I still feel hugely uncomfortable knowing death is one miss placed shovel foot away, I get uncomfortable in the process of thinking this and fall to death number (168) 

Bastion.

This time I get all comfortable in the lava as I stumble a jump and bash my head on a platform like a complete twat.

I don't think you could die on this part if you fucking tried, ughhhhh. (169)

Mo lava, Mo death. (170) 

Painful to watch timed jumps into nothing appear next as the block appears underfoot after every jump, leaving no room for error, every jump now a shaky nervous one.

I run across a giant platform as it builds around me, floating lamps popping on as I run past them. Hello checkpoint my old friend! does this mean its time for the boss battle?

Fuck yea it does, as I run into the castle readying a bitch slap for this lady its straight to business as she flies away and starts the attack, If I try shovel drop her and land on the platform it falls away from me, could prove tricky as I love that move.

(171) (172) Like I said, I love that move.

I manage to get her down half health before I start to struggle but I'm currently up on health, bet I have to beat her more than once, just to make it that little bit more unbearable.

(173) Falling's peaceful.

2 Orbs left and............she dead!

Large enemy appearig from a wall.

I catch Shield Knight as the ENCHANTRESS dies.

Shovel Knight Claims he would have come sooner had he known.

Shield Knight lays on the sob story as she never gave up, I did though, I remember leaving my 3DS for days, avoiding the 8 boss battle, I want to tell her this part but I can't.

Soon as they claim to both be weak from the battle a large enemy appears from within the walls, I hope we both battle it as I'm rather scared of dying and having to do it all over again.

Also, Called it!

Toast break, Marmite if your wondering.

Marmite on toasted bread, true story.

Luckily when I die straight away the game launches me straight back into this boss battle, thank Shovels for that (174)

I have to tag team her with Shield Knight, using her shield to bounce in the air, Shovel dropping her in the face as I glide through the air like an air devouring sex tornado. Blades of glory, great quote!

I Shovel drop her head into absolute oblivion keeping my cool as I dominate this final boss battle, nothing coming close to the Battle Royale in chapter 10.

Shield Knight states the obvious 'We need to get out'

Staring Shovel Knight and Shield Knight.

The ENCHANTRESS tries one last blow and wounds Shovel Knight, Shield Knight jumps in the way like a bodyguard and saves him from the final blow.

Black Knight appears now?! apparently its a party not an escape, but what's this he drags Shovels to safety! Shield Knight sacrificing herself in the process to save the day.

The newly named Slag Knight cries as she's so happy to see them both, Bitch.

Black Knight promises to save McShovels as the castle falls down and restores good to the world.

He throws me next to a fire and fucks off.

Roll Credits.















Written by Caleb Bateman.
Played by Caleb Bateman.
Toast supplied by Grandma.


194 Deaths

13:33:27 Total play time



Did you stay till the end before clicking away?

Good because turns out Shield Knight escaped and sits next to McShovels, Hero's always get the girl.

Also probably one of my Greatest gaming achievements to date.

This game was hard!

But I had the most fun playing it and want to say congratulations to Yacht Club Games for making this amazing game, hopefully it's got you intrigued, like my friend we shall not mention, also it took him 80 minutes to not finish the 3rd level in the game!

Koi Koi

Caleb.